While I am waiting

January is dragging by. December is always such a blur, so many parties, things to decorate, snow to shovel, programs to attend, school work to wrap up. January is just sort of here. It is the regular routine, the snow has let up, the mud has set in. The kids can't play outside much. There isn't enough snow to play in, but it is too cold to walk around, or ride bikes or anything like that.

It doesn't help that I am waiting for Feb. 5 to roll around. I'm still trying not to be too hopeful, but it could happen, N could become ours. I picked up a copy of Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child, by Patty Cogen. It is very good. It is very specific and detailed. To be quite honest it is scaring me to death. How do you parent a child that is frightened, grief stricken, feels totally out of control, and doesn't know you? Right now it is talking about telling the adoption story from the child's perspective. All of the things that I am excited about are terrifying to him. It is really good stuff, but really hard.

I knew going into this that it would be turning my life upside down. I wasn't expecting some sweet Kodak moment. As it gets closer, I find that I have to fight my own fears. It is mostly fear for N. Fear that I won't be able to reach him. Fear that love won't conquer all of the grief and fear that will be filling him. Fear that he won't fit into our family. I pray about it a lot. God called us to reach out to this little boy. He brought him into our hearts and into our lives. I have prayed for him for months, and now I pray for his mother as well. I know that I have friends that will walk through this with me no matter what happens. I know that they will understand because they have been down this road ahead of me. I know that my biggest obstacle is my own expectations. This is my opportunity to lay my life down for someone else and really not expect anything in return. I will have to pour myself out and realize that I will bear the brunt of his anger at a situation that neither of us caused, but that we have to get through. I can read all I can, but nothing can prepare me for getting to know this little person. He is his own package, and I have the privilege of being his mom, for better or for worse.