Grace is hard

I am a peacemaker at heart.  I dread conflict and try very hard to avoid it all costs.  With a house full of children who are moving into the phase of life where they get to make many of their own decisions, conflict abounds.  I love my children.  I love their friends.  I really do, all of them.  Sure, they are a motley lot, and I fit right in.  I am being told daily that I am not being fair.  I am being told that I expect people to be perfect.  Really, I am being told that I am a crappy God and they really don't appreciate my standards.  I'm not in any way claiming to be God, but I am getting a good dose of the false accusations that are leveled against Him.  The difference is that I really am a crappy God, and He really is good and Holy.

As I review the events of yesterday, and start to question most of what I did, I realize how short I fall.  God is full of grace, and I am struggling to sprinkle some out of my plugged up nozzle.  I know people are imperfect, but I wish they would go work on that and then come back and talk to me like someone who is sane.  Oh wait, is it them or is it me?  Jesus is so much wider and deeper than I am.  Why does He give me so many opportunities to extend grace in so many different directions all at the same time?  I'm not omni-anything.  I have limits, man, slow it down!  If each day has sufficient trouble of it's own, I'm spending this morning hiding from them.  I stunk it up yesterday and this afternoon is looking ripe with trouble too.

Grace is really hard to do.  It goes against every gut instinct I have.  It isn't fair at all.  It requires me to look beyond my limits and jump with all my might into Jesus' territory and forget that I exist.  It requires me to leave fear behind.  I can't bring along my anger.  I need to trust the one who made the universe.  Why is that so stinking hard?  Do I really think my worry, anger, indignation, sarcasm, and scoffing are helping anything?  I am insane!  Grace requires me to ignore my limits and to live on God's Words.  All the imperfections around me will be made right by Him.  He doesn't require me to be perfect, He is perfection for me when I live in Him.

Hey kids, I'm not fair.  Neither is God.  He is grace, sufficient for us all.  Now let's put aside all the crazy expectations and be quick to listen and slow to anger.  I've failed you all many times over, but I'm not done.  I see it.  He died for all of us so that our imperfection, which we all have no matter how good we can make ourselves look, can be made right by Him alone.  We are all human.  We all want the best for us.  We are all in this together for better and for worse.  When Mom seems to be in crazy land, turn to God.  Pray for me.  Prayer is powerful, I do it a lot, things would be worse if I didn't.  I trust in God.  His faithfulness is forever.  I know that His grace has covered a multitude of my sins, and yours.  Our lives will never be easy or peaceful for long, struggle is part of the deal.  I love you with a very imperfect love.  I let fear creep in way too often, and I am praying about that too.  We have the same Father and He will see us through this crazy life together.

Some very imperfect thoughts on race

Issues of race relations have come up frequently at the Schumaker house lately.  I have two girls living in Mississippi, who are on a track team in which they are the minority.  My son chose a piece for his school's speech meet that was an excerpt from a book about two boys, one white and one black, who become friends by playing basketball together.  I had some friends over for the weekend, who started counting black people the minute we stepped into the mall.  All of our black friends start counting up the number of black people at the mall.  It has never been more than 10 and that usually includes at least two that we brought with us.

My perspective is obviously from a white person in a predominately white part of the world.  I understand that I have had the benefit of years of being in the power position and that I have not even noticed it most of the time.  I don't count up the numbers of racial minorities while shopping as a rule.  It makes me very uncomfortable to talk about race relations, mostly because I know that I'm in the class that has been the oppressors most of the time.  I know that I am oblivious to the struggle that others deal with every single day.  I know that it isn't fair, and ultimately I'm in the class that God is going to hold accountable for all the times we ignored the struggles of those around us, because we assumed they had all the same experiences we have.  I admit my own lack of awareness, even when I think I am paying attention.

One thing that really brought me up short is when my nine year old son told me that it makes him really angry when we read about how minorities have been treated in Europe and the United States throughout our history.  I told him that it made me angry too, and it does, but my anger will not be viewed the same way his will.  I will not be seen as a threat in my anger, he will.  That scares me and makes me feel very sad.  How many young black men are righteously angry about the way they and their ancestors have been treated only to be met with the same fear that has kept them captive for generations?  They have every reason to be angry.  What is my response?  Does my response even matter?  These are questions I don't even know the answer to.  What do I tell my son?  I really can't relate to the position that he is in.  I can empathize, but is that powerful enough to change anything?  I feel a little hypocritical to tell him that anger doesn't help, but that being the best person God made you to be will.  If I had grown up black in this hometown and dealt with the attitudes he has deal with then I might have the clout to give him some really good advice, but my advice is very hypothetical.  I know that people will treat him differently when I am around than when I am not.  That makes me angry and it makes me feel powerless.

My daughters were talking about their weekend plans, and I burst in with warning them that they probably shouldn't go certain places with their friends.  Even as I said it I realized how hypocritical it was.  They had taken these same friends with them to meet their friends for the weekend, and those moms probably weren't very excited about those plans either.  I realized that I have to let my girls be willing to be in tough situations to know how it feels to be in the minority and to have to deal with anger that isn't necessarily at you, but is still causing the problem.  These kids have to test their friendships and realize that being from different racial backgrounds will bring tension in certain situations.  We have kids that deal with it every single day living in our house.  I can't let fear cause me to tell my kids they can't spend time with their friends on their friend's turf.  They may face some ugliness, but that is the reality of life.  I know this may make some people cringe, but I think that being overprotective in this situation only perpetuates the problem.  Part of growing up is facing down ugliness wherever it meets you.  I know that God is with them and He has been dealing with ugliness for a lot longer than I have.

My son chose his speech meet piece from a book that I had not read, but that his sister recommended to him.  When he brought it home from school it had been edited.  I hadn't read it, so I asked him why.  He told me that the parts about the white kids had been cut out.  I sat down and read it and wondered if this was appropriate.  (*As a side note, we asked why that section had been cut out.  The piece was on the long side for the assignment.  They did allow him to read the whole piece.)  I read it to all of my kids and asked them how they felt about it.  Most of them were okay with it, but Martha wasn't.  It made her angry.  Of course I don't want to be provocative to people of other races at school.  I am grateful for the diversity that our school has and for the variety of nationalities that I regularly have around my table.  I don't want to be poking my finger in people's eyes just to make a point.  My question was, "is it right to just cross out some realities in our history?"  The inequalities in our country are real.  To just not talk about them seems like we, as white people, are trying to just overlook things that really are happening.  Are we really trying not to make someone else angry, or are we trying to cover up our own sin?  Do we even realize what we are doing?  Does talking about it help?  How do we move beyond talking about it and do something about it?

I hope this post doesn't anger people.  I don't want to be poking people in places that are tender.  What I want is to be able to hang out with my friends of deeper pigment and not feel like I am always saying something offensive.  I know that my general way of life presupposes things that theirs doesn't, which is fundamentally unfair and to my advantage.  I am aware that I need to be humble with folks from other backgrounds and be willing to be uncomfortable myself.  I have to be willing to speak up when I hear ignorant statements being made about people based on their background.  I need to be willing to identify with them when I am given the opportunity.  I need to learn to laugh at myself and my ignorance when others point it out and seek forgiveness when I give offense.  I need to remind my children that they are all equal here in our house.  We don't discriminate by color, or gender, or gpa.  We need to have each other's back and stand by our friends even if it means we get a bloody nose, or worse.  We need to remember that in God's economy the first will be last and the last will be first.  When I let myself marinate in that concept it scares me.  Taking the long view, means rethinking who is in the power  position, and who God favors.  I don't have any answers, I just have a lot of imperfect thoughts.  I think we are a long way from Martin Luther King Jr.'s dream, but I am hopeful that we are closer today than we were even then.  My kids give me hope for that.  They don't seem to factor skin color into much of their thinking, which may get them into some tight spots, but with good hearts.  This is one of those things I wish I could make right, but I hope in things unseen to work out to overthrow that which we see.

Living with sinners

I have been wrestling with God lately on the issue of how to protect the innocent from sinners in the church.  I know how to forgive, but then how do you worship with abusers?  Then I came across this paragraph in a book called,  With: Reimagining the way you relate to God.

He discovered that most people had not abandoned their faith, and they had not left the church because of some doctrinal issue or change in their beliefs.  Rather, most of these church dropouts were struggling with something they could not hide - abuse, sex addictions, eating disorders, gambling - any number of chronic issues  The story he heard was usually the same.  They went to church, participated in the activities, got involved in a group, even confessed their sins.  But over time they felt judged or unaccepted by others, so they left.  The hope and dignity they were longing for never came, and in most cases neither did recovery.

As I meditate on this paragraph and continue to seek God in His Word I find that my faith in God is big enough to trust Him to protect the innocent.  I live in a real world.  I have seen the innocent abused.  I have also seen the innocent protected, healed, and restored by Him.  A big part of that restoration is their forgiving their abusers (in time).  They are not bitter or afraid.  That is the true restoration that is only found in Christ.  I earnestly desire true recovery for every sinner.

I used to sit in a room with recovering alcoholics on a regular basis.  We would go around the room and admit that we were alcoholics and share our stories.  I knew from the beginning that my higher power was the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.  I sought out a church and boldly (stupidly) told the pastor all about my sin and weakness.  He assured me that his church was full of alcoholics and that they had already shared the "Big Book" with him and met regularly with him.  The power of that conversation has stayed with me to this day.  It wasn't an easy road to recovery, but it was true recovery.  It didn't take me long to be able to identify the people in the circle who were truly in recovery and those that weren't ready to give up booze as their higher power.  Those were the folks that I had to pray for and confront when they fell off the wagon.  It wasn't pretty or fun, but it reminded me every single time that, but for the grace of God was me.  It humbled me and kept me seeking God.

If we say we want to be a church that reaches out to the lost, the hurting, the unlovely and the sinners of the world, then we better be ready to rub shoulder to shoulder with them in our lives.  This means that we will worship with prostitutes, abusers, addicts, cons, and all kinds of folks that we tend to avoid.  Our call is to love them.  Love them in a way that gives them dignity.  They will only truly recover if we will follow Jesus and love them.  He also calls them to sin no more, just like He calls us to sin no more.  It's really easy to think our sin is not that bad when we compare ourselves to someone else, especially when they may have sinned against us.  We may justify ourselves by thinking we are protecting others.  Yes, we may need to protect the abused as they recover, and as the abuser recovers.  I don't think forgiveness requires us to interact with an abuser before God has had time to heal on both sides.  Yet, what I think I am seeing in my walk with Jesus is that the best way to protect the innocent is to walk with the sinners.  Love the sinners.  Confront them in love when they sin, the way we would want to be confronted.  If we try to push them out of church or community or any other healthy group we are leaving them without dignity and without hope.  God loves them and has called them into our midst.  We will be known by our love.  Love one another by confronting sin when we see it, forgive as we are forgiven, and have faith that God will protect those who need protection.

I know this sounds like a tall order.  If it doesn't sound like a tall order, you probably haven't been on the receiving end of this situation.  I don't always walk this out the way I know Jesus has called me to; in fact lately, I have had it pretty much bass ackward.  My Momma Bear emotions get going, and I want to kick someone's butt to the glory of God.  I want to see that someone is truly understanding how much they have hurt someone I love and myself, but that is not the path to true recovery.  In order to recover from chronic sin you do need to confront the sin and own what you have done.  You need to make restitution wherever you can.  It is hard, and God in His kindness doesn't show us how badly we have hurt people all at once.  We can't handle the ugliness of our sin all in one sitting. It takes time.  We can help in this by allowing dignity to the sinner wherever possible.  Sometimes that means that the we put our arm around a sinner and walk them out of a situation that we know is dangerous for them. It means grabbing that beer in front of them and offering them a ride home.  It means getting into the mess with them and having faith in God.  God will sort out the mess.  He will restore health and heal all of our hurts.  Sometimes it means diligently praying for other people to be willing to get into the mess and walk with someone who has seriously hurt us.  It means taking our pain to God and remembering that God has forgiven us for much.  It means being humbled by the fact that we struggle daily with sin as well.  It means seeking forgiveness for ourselves when we realize we have been unforgiving.

Walking with God will take you into dark places at times.  Remember that He is the light, and He is in us.  Be thankful for whatever you can find in a dark place, because there is always something to be thankful for.  Seek godly friends and counsel if you are in a situation where you are vulnerable or need help.  Help those who are walking along with you by being an encouragement.  Sometimes encouragement is removing a temptation.  Get someone you know is weak in an area away from things that prey on their weakness.  Sometimes they just need to know someone who cares about them is watching out for them.  Don't give in to fear!  God does not give us a spirit of fear, and when we let fear get ahold of us we are falling into our own sin.  He gives us a community of people if we will look for them.  They may be all around us and we need to pray for eyes to see who God has on our team.  They may not look like the kind of people we would recruit, but God has a way of bringing precious gifts in odd looking packaging.  When you feel faint, rest in God.  Our God calls us to impossible tasks, but He has done the impossible.  He loved us before we loved Him and He died for all of our sins so that we would have new life.  Don't deny new life to a brother or sister that has hurt you.  In order for them to walk in newness of life, they need to know that they are loved.  Their sin is killing them, and they need those who are living to love them out of it.