There are days when I wonder which Nes needed more a Mom and Dad, or a brother. I know that he needs the unconditional nurturing love of Mom, and the unconditional protecting love of Dad, but I don't think that is always first and foremost in Nes's mind. The person he looks for in the middle of the night, and sheds more tears for is his big brother. He LOVES K-man.
Of course I don't know all of the psychology involved here, but it seems that this little guy needed a big brother. He had a couple of very close friends in the orphanage that he called brother. When I show him pictures or ask about them now he sort of shuts down and says no. I think the loss of those relationships has been hard for him to deal with. They are both relatively close and we can keep their friendships, but it is not the same as it was when they lived together. I am praying that he can redefine their relationships as he gets older and be okay with them being his special friends.
Adoption is an amazing transformation of a family. Introducing a new person into your home shakes things up in ways you can never anticipate. You don't know how your new child will relate to you, you can't anticipate how the siblings will relate to this new member. But it is wonderful to see relationships build, to see love growing between the kids. It has brought new responsibilities to K-man. If he goes to a friend's house we can expect a change in mood for Nes. It can be difficult sometimes, but it is a wonderful thing. We knew going into this that K-man was a great big brother, and that was a status that we didn't want to change. I'm very glad we stuck to that even though there were some great older boys in Ethiopia that I would have loved to raise. God knew that Nes needed a big brother, and that K-man needed another little brother to play catch with.
While I was reading Adopted for Life, I thought a lot about what it means to be a "real" family. Before we brought Nes home, I didn't understand why adoptive families get so touchy when strangers ask them about their adopted child. I mean isn't it obvious that one of these kids doesn't look quite like the rest? While it is certainly obvious, I had not experienced yet how I would feel when someone singled Nes out and asked why he was different. He does not feel different. He spends most of his day pointing out how he is the same. He has the same color shorts as K-man, he has curly hair like BK, he has the same color baseball mitt as Soso. In his mind this makes him one of us. I understand now how people can make him feel different with their innocent questions. I need to protect him by answering in ways that affirm that he is our "real" son. I am surprised at how much he feels just like all of my other kids, like he has been here all along.
Of course I don't know all of the psychology involved here, but it seems that this little guy needed a big brother. He had a couple of very close friends in the orphanage that he called brother. When I show him pictures or ask about them now he sort of shuts down and says no. I think the loss of those relationships has been hard for him to deal with. They are both relatively close and we can keep their friendships, but it is not the same as it was when they lived together. I am praying that he can redefine their relationships as he gets older and be okay with them being his special friends.
Adoption is an amazing transformation of a family. Introducing a new person into your home shakes things up in ways you can never anticipate. You don't know how your new child will relate to you, you can't anticipate how the siblings will relate to this new member. But it is wonderful to see relationships build, to see love growing between the kids. It has brought new responsibilities to K-man. If he goes to a friend's house we can expect a change in mood for Nes. It can be difficult sometimes, but it is a wonderful thing. We knew going into this that K-man was a great big brother, and that was a status that we didn't want to change. I'm very glad we stuck to that even though there were some great older boys in Ethiopia that I would have loved to raise. God knew that Nes needed a big brother, and that K-man needed another little brother to play catch with.
While I was reading Adopted for Life, I thought a lot about what it means to be a "real" family. Before we brought Nes home, I didn't understand why adoptive families get so touchy when strangers ask them about their adopted child. I mean isn't it obvious that one of these kids doesn't look quite like the rest? While it is certainly obvious, I had not experienced yet how I would feel when someone singled Nes out and asked why he was different. He does not feel different. He spends most of his day pointing out how he is the same. He has the same color shorts as K-man, he has curly hair like BK, he has the same color baseball mitt as Soso. In his mind this makes him one of us. I understand now how people can make him feel different with their innocent questions. I need to protect him by answering in ways that affirm that he is our "real" son. I am surprised at how much he feels just like all of my other kids, like he has been here all along.
2 comments:
So nice Nes and K-Man are bonding and have that brotherly love. Your post is so true because no matter how good or bad the kids are you are adopting, things change in your house and family and truly things will never be the same.
Today was so wonderful to read. With our own boys coming home soon I'm glad we decided to take brothers and not split them. We have so much to look forward to!
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