If They Have Families...

I was talking to my Mom, and she asked me why our kids were given up for adoption if they have families. There is no short answer to this question. I am sure that it is as different and personal, as is every mother that has had to make the decision to let someone else care for her child. It is hard for us to wrap our minds around how desperate people are in other parts of the world. For a little well written perspective you can read this post by Tara Livesay in Haiti.

Both of my children are HIV+. Nes's mother is also positive. She lives alone in a room off of her neighbor's house. She called herself a "lodger" in their home. When we picked Nes up in March last year, she was working cleaning and making injera for a family in Jimma. When we asked about her job on this trip she said that she had lost her job, and is now selling things at the Mercado. She has nothing visible to sell, so whatever it is that she is selling, cannot be making enough to cover food and rent. The neighbor that she lodges with offered to let us take her two teenage daughters to adopt. We were horrified, but they were pleased to have children in America. It just doesn't make any sense to us. She lives every day with a disease that she believes will kill her at a young age. She barely makes enough to feed herself. Should I have asked her why she gave up her son?

Jubilee's parents both died when she was young. She must have been a toddler when her father died. Her mother died four years later. Her older brother tried to take care of her for a time. She was positive and became very sick. She has had TB, chicken pox, pneumonia, all diseases that could have killed her. A neighbor brought her to the local police for help. At that time ARV's were just becoming available at AHOPE. I am sure that the neighbor thought she was doing what was best. Why did her aunts and uncles not take her in? I don't know.

Stephanie Nolan wrote a wonderful book called 28 Stories of AIDS in Africa. It tells the story of 28 people living with HIV in Africa. She tells their stories in a very personal way, while weaving in the story of how HIV spread in Africa, and how the world handled the crisis. It is a very enlightening book. It helps you appreciate the stigma that those that have "the virus" live with.

While we were in Ethiopia I often thought about how sad it is that these families felt that they couldn't care for these children. They obviously loved them. I guess that is what love does when it is faced with death, it does what it thinks is best for the children. Sadly many mothers believe that mother's in the west can provide for their children better than they can.

The other complication is that adopting families usually do not know the family situation these children are coming from. We were told that Nes's mother had died. We had no idea he had a mother until my friend Andrea sent me pictures of her with Nes after she came to his court hearing. This is very common. If you are getting into foreign adoption because you want to save "orphans." You had better be sure that you have a flexible definition of orphan. You may think they have no parents until you are legally the child's parent. AAI will do family investigations after the adoption is final for families that want more information about their child's family. They do this because the families are more likely to be honest after the child is safely settled with their new family. It is very sad but true that families will lie to have their children placed in a situation that they feel is better for the child, and may save the children they have chosen not to give up. Adoption is a very messy business. It is complicated, sad, heartbreaking, and glorious all at the same time.

In the end a child that had a hard situation still has a hard situation. They are still malnourished, traumatized, hurt, sad, sick, but they have a family. Sometimes they have two families. Our children now have an American family and an Ethiopian family. We are all part of their story. They also have hope, health care, healing, education, and a world of opportunities that they didn't have previously. You may believe that adoption is oppression of other cultures. Believe me, I have had my moments of doubt. Today I believe that adoption is messy, but so is parenthood, marriage, the economy, and many other things in life. For the two children I have adopted I am very thankful, and their Ethiopian families are in our prayers every day. Our prayer is that our adoption of their children will be a blessing to them more than it is for us.