Slowing Down

I've been feeling like an early stage Alzheimer's patient. I keep forgetting what I am doing in the middle of doing it. I keep leaving things in the oven, long past dinnertime. I have one poor child that is sure that her name is Whatshername. I find myself wandering around the house wondering where I was going. I have not forgotten any children at any events yet, but things seem to be increasingly out of control. I have never been a super in control kind of person, but things are getting even farther down the road than I usually am okay with. Rick seems to think the kids are all doing okay, but I seem to be losing it.

One thing I constantly struggle with is getting everything done in the set amount of time. I am very time conscious, and I hate to be late. It gives me a lot of anxiety when I need to be somewhere and I know the potential for getting side tracked is huge. I start getting ready to go two hours before I need to be out the door. I am discovering that my brain works much more slowly than most people's. Not that there isn't anything in there, it just takes a while to get the information. I used to tell people I didn't have enough RAM. Now that I am trying to get tasks accomplished while instructing several children at once, and answer questions simultaneously my brain has moments of complete shut down. How in the world do I get things to slow down?

I know that I have expectations that trip me up. I want my kids to reach their full potential. I don't want to be the reason my husband or my children don't live up to what God has given them. God has blessed my kids with so many things, and I want them to do a better job than I have. Sometimes I just have to laugh at myself. God gave me, the quintessential introvert, nine children to love, support, educate, feed, encourage, nurture, instruct, listen to, and be accountable for. What was He thinking? I confess I am a Calvinist, I do believe that God is sovereign over ALL of my life. I know that this is His will, because here we are. I just wish He would send a housekeeper that loves to cook.

I had to tell two of my kids this week that they can't do something that they really wanted to do. It was just going to require too much of my time. I feel terribe when I have to do that. I start trying to figure out how I can make it work for them, but it just doesn't work. It's times like this I wish there was another one of me, or that I had more energy. But is that what God wants? Do we have to do everything that comes along? My children are much better at rolling with these disappointments then I am. K-man shrugged off the news that baseball wasn't going to happen, but wanted to know if that meant he could do LAX? Probably, so off he goes happy. Bronster just had to run for a different class office, one that required her to do most of the work without me. Soso even took the news that he may repeat first grade jumping for joy at the boys that will be in his class. So, maybe my kids are already doing better than I am.

I need to remember to keep the main thing, the main thing. Am I glorifying God and enjoying Him in my life? Some days yes, and some days no. I am learning to repent sooner, and ask my kids and husband to forgive me. Some days I am the biggest grumbler and complainer and foot stomper in the bunch. I am learning that I need to take breaks. I do need to make some time for me to recharge. Some things are just going to have slip by me, and I am going to have to be happy to watch them go. By God's grace so far, most of those things have been so minor no one noticed but me. Tomorrow is another day, and very thankfully it is the sabbath.