So Many Lessons Learned

A friend asked me what was the biggest lesson I learned through adoption. I am having trouble narrowing it down. There are so many things I learned. Before we brought our children home I did a ton of reading. I learned all about HIV, childhood trauma, immigration policy, poverty in third world countries, attachment, intestinal parasites and adoption in general. While we gathered paperwork, signed referrals and began waiting I learned about waitingand preparing for a new child that is a child and not an infant. I learned about expecting the unexpected and being cheerful through the many ups and downs. I learned that families can look very different and be "real families." When we went to pick up our children I learned about meeting the new love of my life and getting to know them. I learned about Ethiopian culture. When we arrived home I learned how to let love cover a multitude of sins in a new way. I learned to not worry so much about what other people might be thinking about me and my family. I learned that education is a lot tougher than I thought. I just keep learning everyday.

I have learned that being a family is much more complicated than I thought it was before I started this process. We had seven children that looked like us, acted in many ways like us, spoke the same language, had the same quirks. Our newest members came to us through a different route, but they are every bit my children. I love them just as much. I give them the same amount of time and energy, more at this stage since they are still at the getting to know us phase. The emotions and preparation are very similar even though the children look very different at the entrance phase.

I think maybe, the biggest lesson I have learned is that love is costly. Our family had been very even keeled. We were busy just because we have so many people, but they were all moving along nicely. When we started considering adoption many people wanted to know why would consider taking on such a risky business. It is a very valid question, and I would ask other families the same thing. We felt like this is the best thing we had to offer the poor and afflicted. We felt like God had brought us to this point, and that He would provide for us and the children He gave us. We acknowledged that our life could get very ugly by many people's standards including our own, but that was a risk we were willing to deal with. In God's providence He gave us two beautiful, sweet, peaceful, loving children. That doesn't always happen. Sometimes God chooses children that are very hurt, and only know how to hurt in return. Parents don't find that out until that child enters their home. There are ways to deal with those children, and to love them, but it is HARD stuff.

I have met many families that have been given children that are very hard. I have learned to give them a lot of grace. God has called them to a challenging life. Would I say they shouldn't have taken that child? Never. That child is just as great a gift as my very easy little guy. I have seen the fruit of love in those families. I have seen people become even more amazing parents. I have seen people that have more compassion, more peace, more perseverance, more insight, than they had before they had their children. I have seen them grow more and more like Christ. They may not have homes that look like Martha Stewart's, they may not drive fancy cars, but their lives have a deeper beauty. They are the kind of people that I want to be like, and that I want my children to know. I have learned not to judge someone in the midst of an ugly moment. God uses those ugly moments to strip away our pride, vanity and self-righteousness. He just may be working beauty into the life of that Mom whose child is screaming at her in Wal-Mart. I cannot possibly know all the circumstances that surround an ugly scene I may witness. Those are the times I need to let love cover it. If I can't be helpful to that mom and child, the least I can do is not judge them, and plead to God on their behalf. Adoption has taught me that God does indeed bring beauty out of ugliness.