I guess God chose this name for my blog for a reason,so that I could remind myself that this is what my life is about everyday. I confess that I have been growing weary in doing good. I am growing tired of having people sulking around my house everyday, refusing to look at me, screaming that they hate my family, shrugging at every question. I spend hours rubbing backs, breathing deeply, asking God what I need to be doing differently, but still the anger is palpable, and it isn't just Jubilee.
Then I lock my bedroom door sit down with my Bible, and there it is: "let love cover it." I may not see the reward for a very long time, thus God has called us to be longsuffering, just as He is longsuffering. I may be spoken evil of, people wonder why we would adopt an older child, and they always seem so happy for everyone else, maybe it is just me. God is stripping away my worldly lusts. I want to look like I have it all together. I want my kids to be "successful." I want to have a peaceful life, and be a godly older woman. My expectations are being molded by my Lord, and my worldly expectations are being removed.
There is hope. The sun does come out every now and then. I get a flash of a beautiful smile. I am asked for forgiveness. I get hugs that are unsolicited. I get to see my kids succeed in their endeavors. I meet people who have been where I am and are on the other side. I have God's Word, and His Spirit to be my strength. I have a faithful husband that confesses his own sin and reminds me to let go of mine. I just have to keep in mind how long God takes to work in lives. I need to remember Sarah, Moses, Judah, my God is not a God who rushes in with instant gratification. He takes the long road.
I know that there are many moms out there suffering with difficult children. Some are sick, some are rebellious, some have suffered hurts by other people, but God loves them all. He walks with us everyday. Thank God for the Internet. I have met so many courageous ladies that have walked this path ahead of me, and encouraged me to keep persevering. I have learned from them what humility looks like, and how God rebuilds families in His image. I am also very thankful for the ladies that live near me. They are Jesus' hands and feet to me, when I am beginning to wonder if He cares. Truly the Lord is good.
3 comments:
If it helps at all, Signe, I very much think of you as a godly older woman! I don't get too much chance to sit and chat with you, but I love how honest you are on this blog. I am so often encouraged, challenged, exhorted, and blessed here, and already think of you as one of my 'mentors' in this journey of raising lots of little ones - by birth and adoption!
You matter to me more than you'll ever know. Your thoughts and words give me courage (and also scare the crap out of me). :)
Don't forget that your journey has influence outside the walls of your home.
Signe,
I just wanted to comment on how much many of your posts have encouraged me. We are only in the beginning of the process (had our adopted daughter home almost a month), but it has been tough. She is an older child with many medical issues and we also have a large family of bio kids. The feelings and struggles I have had just in this short month have been so difficult and reading through your thoughts and struggles have greatly encouraged me. Thank you.
Kim
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