Sharing Too Much

In the midst of a little cloudburst of sorts yesterday, Jubilee told me that she was unhappy that I was telling people that she was sad everyday and that she is a bad girl.  It took me a minute, before I realized that her friends had been reading my blog and telling her she needed to stop acting that way.  I realized that I hadn't really considered how she would feel about having all of this shared.  I had to ask her to forgive me for sharing information about her without asking her if it was okay first.  Then I explained to her why I was blogging about all of this.

This blog is a place for me to keep track of what's going on in our lives.  I know that I will forget so much, and this is a place for me to keep a record of what we have been doing, for better or for worse.  It is also a place for me to share with other families that are going through similar experiences.  I told Jubilee that I wanted other families to know that all of these girls go through these times.  Almost everyone I have talked to has had times of crawling into bed and not wanting to come out.  They have all had struggles at school.  They have all missed their friends and shed tears for them.  What I want Jubilee to know is that this is all very normal.  It isn't easy, but it is to be expected.  I told her it was okay to feel that way, and crying because it is hard is okay.

I also wanted to assure her, and everyone else that reads this, that I DO NOT think she is a bad girl.  I think she is an amazing, beautiful, strong, courageous, caring, empathetic, bright, compassionate, young lady.  I told her that I am not sure I could make it a mile in her shoes.  She is made of tougher stuff than I am.  I assured her that she is one of my kids just like all the others, and they all get public humiliation on  my blog.  So, here is my public apology to her.

It is true that any deficit in this process is purely mine.  Our social worker had done her best to warn us about how difficult it can be for older children to transition to new families.  It is one thing to know that, it is another to live it out.  I thought I was a much more mature mom than I have turned out to be.  I will openly admit that several of our bad days have been due to my overzealous parenting.  I really want Jubilee to like me, and sometimes I try too hard.  She needs space and time, and I want her to fit into our family fabric right now.  I am learning what it means to love in a Biblical way.  I am getting a good taste of longsuffering, and I am pretty sure I will be tasting it for some time.  I appreciate the comments other moms have left.  You have pointed out some things that I really need to think about.  I have expected Jubilee to sort of hit the ground running, and not given her enough time to just reflect.  It is a work in progress, and I am hoping that at the end of the journey I will be a better mother than I was at the beginning.  I thank you all for your patience with me on this little ride.  I have been given nine precious gifts in my life, and they are making me a better person one little crisis at a time.