Still Don't Know

We have been thinking through how to give back to AHOPE.  Mads is interested in running a half marathon to raise funds to meet some needs for the AHOPE kids in Ethiopia.  We were hoping we could meet some specific needs, so we have been trying to determine what those might be.  I asked Jubilee if she could think of  any.  She told me they needed another stove so that dinner wouldn't take so long.  I will have to check on that one.  Then she thought they needed a big party with lots of candy.  I guess I will have to define need and want next time.  I asked both girls what they thought about doing a fund for helping a family interested in adopting one of the older children at big AHOPE.  They both hesitated at this idea, and honestly I had trouble getting excited about it too.  I've been trying to reconcile what the misgiving is.

I think it stems from knowing first hand how very difficult the transition is for older kids to come to the US.  They love their culture, their extended families, their friends, their foods, the fact that everyone looks like them and talks like them.  When they come here they are not instantly happy and thankful, they are angry and distraught.  I met a young Ethiopian woman downtown a few weeks ago.  She ended up telling us that she was adopted from Ethiopia when she was twelve.  She told me how terribly hard it was for her to adjust to leaving Ethiopia.  She is thankful now for the opportunities that she has, but it has been a process of many years to get to this point.  She also said that she had friends that just couldn't adjust.  I was so grateful for her insight, but also terrified for Jubilee.  The struggle ahead of her is long and difficult.  I know that the biggest blessings in life come from hard places, and that they don't come easy.  But I can't help but wonder if this is what is best for these kids.

The young woman  I met kept telling the girls that they were so lucky to be here.  She also told them that she knew how much she hated hearing that when she was at the beginning of her journey.  There is so much for them to learn when they come here as adolescents or teenagers.  This week we have been struggling with swimming.  It is easy to learn to swim when you are a toddler.  When you are starting at twelve it just doesn't come very naturally.  Which is the case with many sports, making them just a little bit harder to do.  Learning English is of course still a sore spot.  When she found out she had to not only learn to print, but then learn cursive she almost gave up.  We keep running into little cultural differences as well.  We got Kiki neutered which sent Jubilee into tears.  I guess that is just not done in Ethiopia.  There are just so many things that are very natural to most children that are so very odd to someone from another culture.  When you add all of that to a new set of people that are your new "family" that you did not choose it can just be depressing.

When Jubilee gets tired and crabby she lets everything go.  That is when I find out what is really going on behind her quiet demeanor.  She is sure that white people are bad and that we all want to kill her.  I'm sure this is highly exaggerated, but still I know it is in her thoughts at some level.  She didn't get to choose her family, and we aren't to her liking.  I keep pointing out to her that no one gets to choose their family and they are almost never to our liking.  She is very much afraid, which just breaks my heart.  No matter how much I try, I am not a comfort to her.  I think that bothers me the most, and causes me to take things she says way too personally.  I need to keep her comments at arms length and remember that they aren't about me personally, they are about the whole situation.

Adoption is not a perfect thing.  It is making the most of a truly awful situation, no matter how or when it comes about.  It means that something has died.  If not a parent or caregiver, the hope of being able to provide for this child.  It means that this child, even if they are an infant has lost something very precious.  The family that is adopting this child is assuming the responsibility to raise this child, that they really know very little about.  It is imperfect strangers becoming family.  It is very messy business. 

Last night in the midst of an ugly scene, Mads said she wasn't sure she still wanted to adopt children.  I had to chuckle, it is a little bit early to be making these kinds of decisions. I looked at her and asked if the smiles and times that Jubilee does love us are worth it.  She shrugged and said she didn't know.  All children are a whole lot of unattractive work, and what do we get for it?  Another person that thinks they are somebody, and that I am here to serve them.  Quite a reward isn't it?  For all of those sleepless nights I get some snuggles in the morning.  For all of the hours of food preparation, on a good day I get a thank you and some help with the dishes.  On a bad day I get a lot of grumbling, and to throw it all away.  For all of the paperwork, prayer, large checks, and waiting, I get a daughter who claims to hate me.  But sometimes she smiles and says she loves me too.  Sometimes when we are walking together she will hold my hand and want to sit with me.  Is that worth all of the struggles?  I guess it is too soon to tell.  I look at my oldest daughter and know that watching her grow into a beautiful lady is better work than anything else I could do.  The reward may seem small in comparison to the price, but I know that it isn't.  Raising godly, compassionate, bright, talented, people makes the world a better place.  Can our family help Jubilee overcome all of the disappointment and neglect that she has suffered for the past twelve years?  I hope so.  I'm betting my life, and the life of my family on it.  Does it make me pause when others bet their families on the same thing?  Yes, it does.  It is a risky bet, but someone needs to take it sometimes.  These kids need homes.  They need communities of teachers, pastors, friends, and grandparents that will love them and show them what a healthy community looks like. 

In then end I think we need them even more than they need us.  We need someone to remind us that there is more to life then our convenience.  We need someone to remind us that we are all broken and need love to fill in the rough spots.  We need to be reminded to keep our problems in perspective.  We need to remember not to take ourselves so seriously.  We need to remember that we have been given much, and that much will be required of us.  Is adoption the best thing for Jubilee? I still have hope.  Is adoption the best thing for me?  I cannot tell you all of the ways she and Nes have made me much richer than I was before.  I still struggle with the idea of taking older children from their native lands.  There is much there that is hard to answer for.  I can say that those children that do make that transition are the bravest, strongest, most resilient people that I have ever met, and that I have much to learn from them.