Needing a Refill

I'm hitting the point in the summer when I start to question why God thought I should be the mother of 9 children.  I felt like I had some semblance of control when I had 4, but after Ed arrived things have been teetering on chaotic most of the time.  I had commented to a friend, who also has many children, that I am not organized.  She told me I am very organized, I have just reached the point when my kids out weigh my organizational ability.  I know in my heart that I am right where God needs me to be.  If I had some control in my life I would waste my time on my own pleasures.  As it is, I have someone needing something every minute of every day.  When I ask God for my daily bread, I mean it.  I need everything He can give me to get through the day, and I will need a refill tomorrow.

I find it strange that when the daily going gets tough, I start questioning God's will in my life.  I was so sure I knew what He wanted for me before I got into this situation, why am I looking at my life now thinking I messed it up.  God's will is being done on earth, in my house, as it is in Heaven.  He doesn't tell me how it is going to work out, but He has done it so far, so why do I doubt?  Why do I doubt what He has already done?  Do I think He will come and take a couple of my children back?  I have to believe that He has called me to this work, and He will see me through it.  There are not too many arguments for me to mediate.  I will find enough food to keep them fed for the summer.  He will provide the supplies they need for the first day of school.  As sure as the sun will rise in the morning, He will meet my needs.

My needs, what are those?  I need to lay my life down and serve the people in my home.  Summer is a good time for me to see how I am doing in that area.  My husband keeps pointing out to me that my kids are all doing very well, it is me that feels fried.  Maybe that is a good thing.  It will be good, if I will take my emptiness to Jesus.  I need to let Him fill me up, so that I may pour myself out tomorrow.  It is exhausting to serve people all day, but isn't that what Christ did for us, and continues to do?  I need to give up my idol of "quiet time" and embrace the neediness around me.  Obviously I don't need more "me time"  I need to be available to listen, support, read, comfort, rebuke, affirm, love.  I need to be thankful for all of the people in my house that bump into each other, and bump into me.  It gives us many, many opportunities to extend grace.  I guess I should laugh at myself, that it took all these people to wear down my selfishness.  Well, bring on the thunderstorms, I will have faith in the one that controls the wind and the waves.  Some day I will miss all this chaos, at least that is what people keep telling me.