Transitions

We had a wild night with Jubilee last night.  Today Rick is taking all of the kids to Silverwood for a day of fun in the sun.  Our kids have been talking about it for weeks, and the day as finally arrived.  Right along with it came unreasonable behavior from Jubilee.  Mads made one sarcastic comment at the table, and all her pent up anxiety flew out everywhere.  I had to push her out the door this morning, and if I wasn't sure that she is going to have one of the best days of her life I might have let her get out of it.  No, I wouldn't have.  I know that she needs to face these fears and find out that there are abundant blessings behind these dark clouds of anxiety.

The good news is that this is uncommon enough for us to see a pattern emerging.  When she first got home, these were daily events.  Everything was a transition.  Nothing was comfortable or safe.  We have gotten to the point where I know that she knows we love her and that we want what is best for her.  She isn't fighting us, she is fighting her fear of the new and unknown.  This I can relate to.  I remember being sick to my stomach for a week before I started kindergarten.  BK threw up on her one and only classmate the first day of school.  I remember distinctly fighting with my mom about going to ballet class for the first time.  I remember wondering why she would make me do something I was so obviously terrified of.  I went on to take five years of ballet and loved it.  I get the terror that Jubilee is feeling.  Now, I get to learn how to push someone that I love very much through doors they are terrified of going through.  This week should be a rough one, but I know that we will make it through.  She has Silverwood today, a family reunion this weekend, and school starting the week after that.  Lots of transitions.

As a mom transitions can be just plain exhausting.  It takes me some time to work up the energy just to go to the grocery store, or to the kid's sporting events.  I know that there will be resistance and that it will take energy and grace to keep everyone moving in the forward direction.  Sometimes it is even hard for me to go out to coffee with my friends.  Just getting myself out the door takes more energy than I can muster.  I know the kids will be fine, but they get so anxious when I leave that it drains energy from me.  Frankly I don't go as many places as I could because I just don't want to face the transition to get out of the house.

I'm sure there is a spiritual reason for all of this.  If I'm missing it please enlighten me.  It seems to be a design feature of the world God has created.  Most plane crashes occur during take off and landing.  Cruising through the air is quite easy.  Getting on and off the plane is a frantic affair, followed by the peaceful nap or reading a book.  Getting the kids off to school is quite an event.  Clothes that had been hanging in the closet mysteriously disappear.  Lunch boxes seem to migrate all over the house causing frequent hurried searches.  Getting into the car can be a pel mel event of pushing, fighting over seats, bumping into each other.  Birth is an emotional anxiety ridden event, followed by peaceful cradling and eating.  Death also is mysterious, anxiety producing, and unknown, but followed by peaceful rest.  I guess it is all a test of our faith.  Do we trust God?  Does Jubilee trust me?  Does He really love us and want what's best for us?  Can't He see how anxious new situations make us?  Why do we have to get out of our comfort zones and try new things?  So that we can learn who God is and how much joy He has created us to experience.  The joy of a newborn is worth every labor pain.  The accomplishment of a diploma is worth every sleep deprived night of study.  The joy of seeing a bride and groom off on their honeymoon is worth all of the stress of wedding planning.  If we hunker down on our bed and eat only the two foods we like we will feel safe, but we will get bored.  God has to shake us up a little to get us to experience Him in new ways.

My battles with my children help me to understand God better. When I hide in my comfort zones and don't reach out to the people that He brings to me to minister to I am disappointing Him.  When I help my kids through their struggles I begin to understand how God sees me.  He must stoop so low to help me through my big crisis.  This is all old hat to him.  He has seen it before, it isn't new under the sun.  He really does love me.  He loves me enough to push me out to the edge where I have to trust Him that this really will be fun.  He gives me work to do so that I can learn to do new things that will in turn allow me to be more of what He created me to be.  Even my children's outbursts of wrath are opportunities for me to extend grace.  I can show them how to be patient in affliction.  I can stand firm on the boundaries that I have set because they are for their good.  I can assure them that there is joy at the end of this road trip.  I can show them that where I stop, God is.  The great I AM is with them always, and in that assurance they all can find peace.  God gives us a lifetime to figure out how He works and to trust Him.  I am so thankful that He is in this project with me.  If I didn't have hope in Him I would give it all up as lost.  I know that He has a future and a hope for Jubilee.  She is a smart, beautiful, strong young lady.  When she conquers her fear she will be unstoppable.  I can't wait to see what wonderful stories God has in mind for her.