The Dragging Chapters

I am continually haunted by the question, "What is my story?"  I read many stories, and can identify with many characters.  When I think about my life I don't really like the story, and I can't figure out where it is going.  I am desperately afraid that it is going in a direction that will break my heart.

I'm reading Jayber Crow, by Wendell Berry.  I can identify with many of the struggles Jayber has.  Having grown up in a small town I can identify with his belonging to his community.  I have enough farmer genes to identify with his struggle watching small farms being run over in the race to be most efficient.  It is a very good book.  Although somewhat depressing.  Jayber sees what is happening around him, and is fully aware that there is much that he cannot change.  He lives his life resigned to who and where he is.

I want to be purposeful in my life.  I don't want to just live each day as it comes and not think about where I am going.  It is not easy to do.  God in His wisdom doesn't allow us to see what is up ahead.  He gives us wise counselors, His Word, His Spirit, those who are older and wiser, to guide us along.  He also lets us reap what we sow.  I think I have sown a lot of foolishness.  I have tried to do things that I thought were good works.  I think I have missed the point.  In my thickheadedness I have created a lot of hard work for myself.  I don't think that is what I would have reaped had I been more thoughtful, and spent more time seeking God.  The bad news is that I am not exactly sure how to change my course.  I feel like I am in a plot line that I can't get out of, and I am having a hard time resigning myself to my story.

Maybe that should tell me something about my character.  I am one of those people who imagines that they should be in a different story, a better story.   Those are always pathetic characters.  I wish I could look out at the reader and ask how I am doing.  What happens next?  My author will not tell me that.  He just promises that it is for my good and His glory.  I guess I should be happy that I can't read the last few pages and see how it all turns out (I do that sometimes).  I will just have to accept that I am in that middle section that drags for a few chapters.  I trust that my author writes great stories, even for those with small parts.  Mine is not a bestseller, but maybe it will set the scene for something really wonderful.