Only One

I read this great quote last night, which of course I can't quote right now, since my brain is overloaded with fragmented material.  The gist of it was that I am only one person, I can't do everything.  I can do something which is more than doing nothing, and if each of us does one thing everything will get done.  Or something like that.  I have been in a rut of feeling like I am one tiny snowflake at the bottom of the drift being smashed down by all of the other flakes in the drift.  My "one little things" I have been doing don't look like much by the end of the day.

I confess that I am an overcommitter.  If someone asks me to do something I will almost always say yes.  I will say no if there is bodily harm, or physical cause creating impossibility.  It is making my life unmanageable.  I am discovering that this disorder of mine is not only creating chaos for my brain, but chaos for those I have said I would help.  I keep forgetting that I need to be somewhere.  Or I remember I am supposed to be there, but forget what I said I would bring.  This is not helpful for the people I am supposed to be serving.  I need to get over my guilt of knowing that other people are serving my children, or community in ways that I can't.  I need to focus on doing the fundamentals well.

I also need to stop looking at other ladies and wondering why they can do so much more than I can.  I'm not sure what my issue is there.  I keep thinking that if they can do it, I should be able to too.  Here is public admission that I cannot keep up with the Joneses, whoever they are.  I need to keep my eyes on Jesus.  I don't know how many times I have heard the story of Mary and Martha, and thought "Well why didn't Jesus tell Mary to get off her hiney and help Martha out?  Who was supposed to get lunch together for all of those people anyway?"  I would love to be Mary sitting at Jesus feet having my soul filled with His Word.  What I am lacking is balance.  I need to remember to stop and sit at Jesus feet, thank Him for the rest, and get back up and serve with a pure heart.  I keep swerving in dizzying jolts between serving with a Martha attitude, and then sitting at Jesus feet ignoring the bickering children, and phone, and laundry, and groceries, and...  And then I have the nerve to blame my attitude on the bickering children.  If they would just keep track of their boots I would be all smiles and sweetness, right?

Balance, the middle of the road, peace, why is it so elusive?  Where is that still small voice that tells me to just hold it here?  Keep my hands off the radio.  Don't look at the car that just drove by for too long.  Pay attention to the road.  I need to keep my eyes on the one who balances the world by His Word.  I need to keep my ears attuned to His voice.  I need to let go of my need to do things my own self.  I need to realize that there are limits to what I can do, and what I need to do.  I need to let other people step in and help, especially my kids.  I need to trust God that if it needs to be done, He will bring the workers to do it.  If it doesn't need to be done, then okay, let's move on.  I need to quit trying to save the world, until I can have peace in my little world.