muddled

This post may be a bit of a rambler, this is my warning that you may not want to waste your time reading it.  My blog is my way of untangling my muddled mind, not a polished work of literature meant to edify and encourage others.  If it occasionally does encourage others, praise God, but that is not what I am usually setting out to do, and today especially I just need to figure out where I am in my story.

Friday was a great day, and I need to hold on to that little 24 hour period of hope.  The sun was shining.  I spent the day with a friend I have missed.  We had house showings.  Madie did well at her track meet.  The little guy I thought I had left at school had not needed a ride anyway.  God provided in a myriad of ways all day long.

Saturday blew in with a spring storm, not only outside, but in my soul as well.  I woke up with high hopes, only to be thrown into the chaos of my life quite rudely.  It was one of those days when I wonder how I ended up with all of these kids, with all of my extended family at least 3 hours away, with continual silly illnesses, in the mud, just plain brewing with discontent.  My days are pretty efficient until I have an unexpected schedule change, or two, or someone needs an extra amount of my time.  These little bumps can throw me into a tailspin pretty quickly, and I have lost my ability to pull out of it.  Rick used to be able to get me back on my feet again, but he is getting a little frazzled these days as well.  I really did try to find things that I loved yesterday, but the things that annoy seemed to step right in front of them.

So here I am today.  I am trying very hard not to look too far down the road.  I know that today has sufficient trouble of its own.  I am trying to balance planning for what needs to be done today, with keeping everything in perspective.  I really want to be in church singing with my church family, but I am home with one child with pink eye, and one with an upset stomach.  I know that I need to be comforting and serving them, but I am hungry for soul food.  I keep waiting for the cavalry to come in and save me, but I know that there isn't one.  I need to lower my expectations and let some things go.  There are things in my life that I love, that I don't have the resources for.  I am going to have to sort out what those are and what needs to be left undone, or not done the way that I would like them to be.  I am having trouble remembering what the standard is.  Am I trying to live up to the American Dream, or am I trying to please God?  Is it okay to not expect my children to go to college?  Is it okay to recognize that they have talents in some areas, that I just cannot develop?  I have to disentangle regrets of my own from what is best for my children.  There are many of them, and only one of me.  God has set limits on what I can provide for them, for which in many ways, I am very glad.  I know that I would tend to give them way too much.

There it is, I keep losing sight of the main thing, to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.  He doesn't demand very much of me at all; belief, joy at the end of the tether, singing, food, nothing fancy, just simple food, bread and wine, prayer, rest, fellowship.  I tend to avoid fellowship when I am sinking into despair.  Who wants to sit with friends and mope about their lack?  The biggest obstacle for me is that I have more than enough fellowship during breakfast.  I'm not sure I have it all untangled, but I know who to ask for help.

#258-269

The sound of the wind blowing through leafy trees.

Sleepy children slowly wandering out of their bedrooms, to find food and Mom.

Teenagers that say thank you randomly for little things.

My daughter asking me if I know of any good Bible studies that she could read.

Watching my girls run, even when they come in last, knowing that they stuck it out and finished strong.

Boys asking how to make crepes.

Rick making breakfast every morning.

Grandparents watching the Mariners.

My grandma telling my grandpa that she loves him after 60 some years of marriage.

Watching white puffy clouds roll across blue sky, especially when laying in the grass, but sitting by a window isn't so bad.

Helping my daughter get her protocol outfit together.  She looks so pretty when she finally wears something other than sweats.