The Beauty of Adoption, It's Complicated.

Adoption is a complicated issue.  My feelings about it are mixed and unresolved.  Now that we have two children by adoption I have had time to live it out and see it from the inside.  I love my children.  They have taught me many things about myself, and about people in general.  They are a blessing to our family, and I believe that God placed them specifically right here for this time, they complete our family unit.  Their lives have been complicated, and they have suffered many traumas in coming to our home.  I wish they could have stayed with their parents, and had peaceful, secure childhoods.  God is telling a different story with them. 

My advice to anyone considering adoption is to deal with your own pride first.  This is not a time to be high and mighty, ready to save the world.  This is a time to be humble and ready to serve in a situation where all your love and service may very well be thrown right back in your face time and time again.  Find a community of people that you are very comfortable sharing your life with.  You need people you can call at a moments notice to watch your kids, come over to talk, and who will not judge you in the midst of very ugly situations.  Most of all be ready to accept that your life will be a glorious mess of God's making. 

We have been very blessed by the two children we adopted.  They have very different stories, and personalities.  Nesradine continues to be one of the sweetest, most tenderhearted children I have ever met.  I know that I cannot take any credit for how wonderful this little guy is. He tries hard to please the people around him, and seems to be very comfortable in his new home.  His mother is still living, and has no other children that we know of.  Martha is also a very sweet person.  She works hard to do what she is asked to do.  She loves to be around people, and is very sensitive to how people are feeling.  She has had a much harder time adjusting to American culture.  She loves all the bling, and comforts that surround her, but she is uncomfortable most of the time.  She feels more out of place.  She has a harder time feeling like she fits into our family and the social life of our small town.  Her parents had both died, but she has an older brother and two sisters that she misses very much.  They couldn't take care of her, so she had been living at the orphanage for many years.  She had developed a family of sorts at AHOPE, and losing those friends has also been very traumatic for her.


I knew that we would face many difficult issues with our adopted kids.  I knew that there was potential for some of the issues to change our family life in drastic ways.  I naively thought that a safe home, and opportunities galore would make their lives better.  I didn't realize that trauma would lock them in a place where they are captive no matter what their external circumstances are.  Martha still has a dazzling smile, but I know now that it is a mask.  She doesn't smile like that because she is happy, she smiles like that to make other people think she is happy so they will leave her alone.  In her mind her world is still dark and frightening.  She doesn't trust people.  She is defensive.  She seeks the easy path even if she knows it is the dangerous one.  She still thinks death may be preferred to life.  I cannot reach her.  Sometimes she hears me, but she doubts.  I pray for her constantly and do my best to protect her, but I know that she will tend to make bad decisions that will bring difficult times for us all. Nesradine is a people pleaser.  He loves to make people laugh.  Right now it is endearing, and I pray that it stays that way, but who knows what the teen years will bring?

Culture does make a difference. Especially if you are adopting older children.  Changing everything in your world is hard, even for kids who do it with their families.  Don't dismiss the challenges that being bi-cultural will bring.  For people considering international adoption I think it is wise to consider if we are doing justice to the country we are adopting  from.  In many parts of the world children are orphaned not because their parents are dead, but because their parents are hoping to provide a better opportunity for their kids.  They either want them to be in a wealthy family, or be able to get better education.  While these things may be good for the child in the immediate situation, what does it mean for the culture at large.  Are we ultimately oppressing the countries by taking their children away?  It is not an easy question to answer.  It is especially difficult for us as Americans because we can't wrap our mind around the kind of poverty that we are talking about.  I think it is worth asking if there are other ways that we can help children and families stay together and provide opportunities for them in their own culture.

Adoption is a beautiful, messy, difficult, rewarding acceptance of responsibility for someone that needs to be protected.  It is putting your own life at risk to help someone else improve theirs.  I think that we should be looking first, for ways to support mothers so that they can keep their children.  I know that this is one big messy business, but taking a child away from one family and placing them in another does not cut cleanly either.  Broken families of all kinds scramble children.  These children are damaged by the lack of basic needs, disruption of relationships, violence, neglect, sudden unpredictable changes that they encounter.  When children can't live in their birth families, adopting families should be ready to take them in.  These families will also need support, and lots of it.  They are taking in children who are damaged.  Some kids can handle that much more resiliently than others, but they all need extra care.  There are no easy adoptions.  Adoption should be a community event.  Parents will need encouragement, and rest from the constant needs.  Siblings may need breaks.  Everyone will need emotional support, especially when things get difficult, and they will get difficult.  Parents need to know that they are not alone in this.  They need to know that the difficulties are not due to their bad parenting, they need to know it is all part of the deal.

I know that I have become a better parent of all my children through our adoptions.  I have a greater appreciation for how powerful the simple everyday love is in a home.  I know how important it is to take time to just be with your children.  I am more aware of how my words can squash a tender soul.  I am learning more and more everyday about living with people of different cultures, and how to appreciate what they have to offer me.  I wish I could heal all of the scars that my children have acquired in their lives, but that job is God's alone.  He wounds, and then He binds up.  I don't always understand why, but I trust Him.  I am thankful for our gloriously messy home, and all of the crazy people that live here.  I would encourage those who can tolerate the wild life to join in.