Letting Go of Mr. Right

I'm working through trying to identify my idols.  When I find my angry buttons being pushed, or my fear creeping in, I'm trying to stop and breathe and identify what is being jostled in my heart.  I started reading The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas which has prompted some fear to creep up in my heart.  I had one particular sleepless night worrying about what if... my girls marry really bad men?

What I am finding is that I had a plan.  I knew pretty clearly how my girls would meet Mr. Right (I even had suggestions, which they did not appreciate).  We weren't about dating, we were going to do courtship.  They understood (I imagined) that Dad was going to meet the young, brilliant, handsome, man and talk him through a few months of how to do everything the Schumaker way and then we would all smile, shake hands and start planning a wedding.  Unrealistic, ridiculous, self-righteous and truly destructive expectations.  As you can imagine the poor boy who stumbled into that trap did not come out smiling.  Bless his heart, God is good and we hope that he doesn't need any counseling.  That plan has since been scrapped and we are in a sort of free fall at the moment.  Funny how God can let your grand plans explode right before your eyes, and while your ears are still ringing the next opportunity gets underway.  I need a little time to process please.

Seeing my children walk down the aisle with a perfect partner for life is an idol of mine.  I am searching for God in this.  I know He wants my children to live lives that glorify Him.  The longer I live the more I see that those lives don't look like I had planned.  Patience in suffering glorifies God.  Living faithfully with husbands and wives that are less than perfect glorifies God.  Rick walked down the aisle with me, which was a really bad idea on his part.  He has been one of the most profound examples to me of living out a selfless love.  He has had plenty of reasons to walk out that door and never come back, but he came back anyway.  I hope my kids see that and look for a guy like him.  He is exactly what I need to keep me grounded and faithful and out of crazy land.  I know he has weaknesses too, but one of the things I did have the wisdom to do at the ripe age of 22 was to write down where he was weak and where I was strong, and vice versa.  It has been a point I can hang on to.  I know that I am better with him than without him because he bolsters all the areas that I would crumble on.  If God can make a successful marriage out of the mess we started with, then I need to have more faith and give these potential partners a lot of grace.

I do know that I need to be humble with my children and their friends.  I need to listen and bite my tongue.  They need to process things, and it is very helpful to hear them think out loud.  If I correct every thought for them, they keep them to themselves.  I need to be open to different ideas about dating, courtship, family backgrounds, cultural differences, not in an accept everything way, but in a thoughtful loving way.  We have blind spots which become apparent when I make assumptions that I have no business making.  I have had much more interaction with the guys my girls are dating in Mississippi than I did with guys they were interested in my hometown.  Possibly because I can't show up on their doorstep and get in their face.  I have changed my attitude from being adversarial to being genuinely interested in getting to know these guys (most of the time).  The danger there is that dating means a lot of loss for all of us when things don't work out.  It's a risk I am willing to take to walk with my children in this process.

Thinking about our children's marriages has caused both Rick and I to think about our own marriage.  Our dating experience was less than ideal.  We caused ourselves a lot of problems by just following what everyone else was doing without thinking about where God was in all of it.  I wasn't a Christian when we started dating so, really God was very kind to me.  I need to remember that as I watch my own children date.  We have strengths and weakness that are easy to project onto other people which isn't appropriate.  I have to be careful when I compare young men to Rick so that I don't make him feel like I regret who he is.  We have both been reading a lot about marriage and realize that where you start can make your entire life a battle or a blessing.  The very good news is that even if it starts out rocky, and ours did, God is big enough to nurture it back to new life if you will seek Him.

It's a tricky business, and I am praying a lot.  I'm a lot less judgmental of other people walking this road.  It's easy to think you see other people's situations clearly, when really only God does.  This is such a huge relationship for our children to enter into, and of course they don't quite get it, so it is really easy to be a Mrs. Bennet and start trying to manipulate.  That is a big cue to me that I am stepping into God's shoes and my idol needs to be taken down, again.  It is always His story.  He wants good things for my children and I need to encourage them first and foremost to be seeking Him and His kingdom.  If they have their eyes there they will be able to discern good and bad.  If they don't have their eyes there, I need to pray for that.  God found me.  He has patched up all my wounds.  I still have to battle idols in my heart, just like my children do.  My faith is in Him not in Mr. Right.