Thank You Jesus

For as long as I have claimed to walk with Jesus I have wondered if I would ever be good enough to be accepted in His community.  When I started dating Rick I knew I wasn't good enough for him.  I knew his parents were disappointed.  I knew everyone was hoping he would date one of the girls from his church.  I also know that they were completely justified in thinking everything they thought.  I wasn't good.  I'm still that girl in so many ways, but then I'm not.  Jesus keeps reminding me that He died for all of that.  I died with him, and I am free of all of my many, big, ugly mistakes.

I don't know why God lets us make such huge messes before He gets our attention and calls us out of them.  I do know life is messy.  I do know how that mess feels.  I do know that I don't have to sit in them and figure it out anymore.  I can cry for help and He is faithful to walk with me out of the mess.  He isn't even embarrassed to be seen with me.  Oh, that I can be that graceful.

Living in a house full of semi-adults is extremely humbling.  For me it involves learning to nod sympathetically and give hugs instead of staring in amazement and blasting them with "how can you be so stupid?!"  They occasionally know they are stupid, and when they don't I just need to wait a little bit longer.  Usually, while I'm waiting, I see where I have lead them in this particular stupid behavior.  I can see my sin in their lives, and I know what it brings.  I try to warn them, but more often than not they want to see for themselves.  For some reason they think I enjoy telling them that I knew that was coming.  I really don't, I would much rather have them trust me on that one and turn away from the stupidness.  Trying to keep grace and truth together in my comments is my new math problem.  Math was never my strong suit.

God is good.  He does work in areas I can't manage.  We get hopeful texts and phone calls and we cry out, "thanks, God!"  Sometimes we get an opportunity to walk into someone else's mess that reminds us that we have much to be thankful for.  I need to resist the urge to hide.  When the kids start to really struggle I want to pull in and despair.   I need to reach out to those who have walked this road ahead of me.  Even if they don't have the answer I need, they have the ability to give me a hug and tell me they still love me.  They can remind me that someday all of these kids will live elsewhere and we can wear funky clothes without their comments and laugh as they walk this bumpy road.  Friends are the greatest ally in the war against teenage insanity.  I am very grateful for the friends that the teens have brought into my life.  I am sure we have years of laughter ahead of us.  Right now it is laughing through tears, but I'm hoping this is only a season.

The good news is that I have figured out that all of the parenting I thought I had mastered five years ago is being re-vamped and made better.  Teaching children to drive is not for weenies.  Dating is a marathon that I'm hoping I will be glad that I finished someday.  It has it's glorious miles, and the ones that make you wish you were dead.  I'm still early in the race, so pray for me to finish strong.  Education is not a linear, neat package.  Figuring out what your kids are good at and how to encourage them to persevere in the hard stuff takes some skill.  Dealing with the hurts of childhood is also a sanctifying work.  I do recommend a good therapist.  Sometimes it is more than mom and dad can deal with.  Don't underestimate how deeply very young children can be hurt.  They learn how to live with painful wounds, but they need to be healed.  Life is tough.  Don't try to live it alone.  ;