Oh yeah, Joy

I've been torn about blogging lately.  On the one hand writing out what is swirling in my head is extremely helpful to me.  It helps me to put things in order and throw away the junk.  On the other hand the swirling in my head involves other people at times and blogging is public.  I do journal, which is also helpful, but not quite the same.  I'm getting to a place where I need to sort things out thoughtfully and respectfully and honestly.  I need to leave some things in God's hands and do what I need to do for me.

I was searching for joy in my life a few months ago, before I was blindsided by a blast from the past.  It has sucked a lot of joy out of my life, but also revealed some of the reasons I was having such a hard time finding joy in the first place.  My first taste of true joy was when Jesus finally got my attention and I began to see that there were other ways to live my life.  It was simple joy, like when you first meet someone you think you might love and just being near them is joyful.  Life keeps moving along however and you need to learn to do things together and apart while keeping joy and getting to know one another better.  You change and grow and things can get confusing at times.  There are days when you need to mentally go back to the beginning of the relationship and remind yourself why you fell in love with this person in the first place.  Hard times come, always, and I learn more about how faithful Jesus, my true friends, my husband and my family are in my life.  These times help me to learn the deep lessons of life.  I need to write these things down lest I forget and lose my way.

I am discovering that the people that I can be authentic with are the people that I love.  The kind of love that hits hard times and gets stronger.  They are the people who don't judge me in the middle of a rant because they know this is a weak moment and it will pass.  They know I won't judge them in their weak moments either.  The people that can't take me in all my broken glory aren't my people.  I can still love them and serve them, but they aren't the ones that I will look to when I need help getting out of crazy land.  I spend time in crazy land every now and then and I need others to help me get out.  If this makes you queezy you probably aren't one of the ones I will look to.  If this makes you smile, you know who you are and I am very thankful for you.  There are lovely people in the world who do not get me, and I am completely okay with that.  Don't feel bad about it, I can probably recommend some other people for you to hang out with.  We all need a squad and not everyone can be on our squad, but Jesus can be on all of our squads, which is awesome!  He is much bigger than all of us and our limitations.

I need to thank a whole lot of people who have been praying for me.  You have made meals for my family, taken my kids out to do fun things, made amazing videos for me, brought me Strarbucks mugs from beautiful places, prayed for me faithfully, sent me encouraging texts, laughed with me, listened patiently to my crazy ranting, hugged me awkwardly in public, a thousand little everyday acts of love that keep me from sinking.  These are the things that bring joy into my life.  Sometimes it is joy with tears, but it is truly joy. 

The things that make me feel crazy I need to let go of.  Those seem to be things that I have let other people tell me I need to be or do that aren't true.  When I feel like I need to be someone that I am not, or I need to hide some part of me to make this person accept me, I need to let that relationship go.  Sometimes those people are in positions that I feel like I can't get away from, which makes life really complicated, but I think God will give me a way out of them.  I am realizing that those are good indicators that I need to really seek where God wants me to be.  Does he want me to get out of the situations which bring me under people who don't get people like me, or do I need to draw closer to Him and learn to do the hard work of being who I am and making them uncomfortable?  I know God is big enough for the variety He has created.  He has battles for me to fight, and battles for me to walk away from.  I need to seek Him and His wisdom for me.

Life is beautifully complicated.  People are wonderfully flawed.  Sometimes the crazy people have a lot of wisdom to share.  Sometimes the sane people need to lighten up.  Find the people who you can be real with.  If you can't be real, it isn't a healthy relationship.  If it isolates you and makes you angry, it definitely needs to be gotten away from.  We all need love.  We all need people.  We all need to practice grace with those who we don't necessarily agree with.  Seek joy in Jesus, in people, in rainy days, it is there.