I've been wrestling with friendships lately. I know that I am very introverted and self protective. I think I put myself out there, but then I realize that I haven't, it is all in my head. In my head I am very vulnerable, but in action I think I am either non-expressive or intimidating. I should have someone take a video sometime, but the thought of that is horrifying.
I really want to be authentic. I want to be able to be humble and quick to listen. I really want to be a better friend. I think maybe I want that so much that I am chasing away the people I really want to draw in. I am sure that is what I am doing with my kids and it breaks my heart. Sometimes my reactions are laughable in their honesty and I suck at trying to mask what I think. Meeting potential significant others is not for sissy's. I seriously need to work on a pleasant demeanor while processing things in my head.
I'm not sure if I'm projecting my feelings on to other people or if I am completely misreading situations. I feel like the harder I try to form friendships, the harder it is to do. Then I think maybe I should just stop trying and just do my thing. I just don't know what my thing is. Life is so much easier when friends just drag me out of my little world (thanks Darin and LeeAnne).
Then, I live in this little community where a lot of people think they have all the right answers to almost everything. At least, that is how it feels to me. The longer I live as a Christian in this world the more I realize that God is bigger than I can comprehend. I am small, broken, and very limited. God is huge, gracious, good and wants me to be more than I can even hope for most of the time. I really want to walk with God. I know that He wants me to walk with Him and with people. I know I don't have all the answers, not even a small percentage of the answers. Most of the time I don't even understand the questions. I have pretty much given up on trying to figure out my theology and turned my attention on how to live my life out of love for God and love for my neighbors. This gets some really interesting responses. Most of the time people assume I am doing things to get something from them or to manipulate them. Which, being a student of human nature, is usually true of many people. I know that it is hard to accept good gifts from people without having anything to give in return. Giving freely is awesome, and it is really hard to receive. I am learning a lot about where my flesh really doesn't want to do things God's way. True freedom for example is really scary. It brings incredible joy that is really hard to explain to others. So many of God's truths are hard to comprehend unless you let go of fear and trust. It's all very risky, we all have been hurt thousands of times by people, so trusting God is really hard. Living in the faith that God is good, he provides good things for me, even when they don't feel good is both hard and rewarding. Taking the easy looking path is so tempting, and I do take it regularly and pay for it every time. I trust that the things I am wrestling with today are not impossible with God. I know He is with me. I know He is good. I know He knows my heart and knows where I need to grow. I choose faith in Him. Having all the right answers felt so much safer but ultimately they didn't lead me to love others. I loved the answers and I felt secure in them until someone I loved was hurt by them and they didn't give God enough space to be God. Let's just say that learning humility is not comfortable but it brings incredible peace. I am not a big deal, and a few people love me anyway. That truth is awesome.
I am thankful for:
41. pink clouds on the horizon
42. a million safe road trips which are a gift
43. hard conversations with teens
44. kids who return to conversations after a few years of experience and admit that I was right
45. opportunities for my kids to travel and experience life in other cultures
46. friends who are in different places, physically and emotionally than I am
47. the scent of evergreen trees
48. stars
49. nachos
50. good books
Life in a small town with a large family. Trying to put God on display.
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