All Churned Up

The waiting aspect of adoption is interesting. I find my brain doing all kinds of analysis all day long. I'm not sitting and wondering what N is doing or what he is thinking about. I think mostly about how I can make the world a better place for him. What ministries should I be supporting, should we be ministering in another country, should we be doing more here? I think about other children I may adopt someday, and how and when I might do that. I think about what it will be like to be in Ethiopia. How will I react? Will I be overwhelmed and cry all the time? Will I be edgy and uncomfortable? Will I just feel like I am in a dream? I have no way of knowing how that will all play out. I pray a lot that God will give me grace to be useful to the people that I meet, and that I won't be a total disappointment to N.

Sometimes I wish I was black, so I wouldn't be seen as another white person coming to save the black people. I want to make a positive difference and not be seen as condescending. I pray for humility and a sense of humor. I know I will blow it big time, many times.

I feel like I just got up to the top of the ladder on the high dive and now I am standing looking at the board, and the pool, and all the people in line behind me waiting for me to jump. There are so many unknowns until you just do the dive. The problem is I have to stand there and wait until the judge says go.