Living with HIV in Zambia

"Yes, I have lived positively with HIV for a dozen years.
Yes, I have given hope, I hope, to some people.
Yes, I try not to be weepy most of the time.
And yes, I am glad to be here.

But the fact remains that I will have a far shorter life than if I had stayed away from HIV. Morbidity and mortality are a permanent feature of my daily agenda.

I know what fear is. Fear of losing weight until you have no more lips to cover your teeth. Fear of being rejected by those who are closest to you. Fear of being cold and dead.

Alone in that coffin. Fear of leaving your children, your wife, your parents, friends-Lusaka. Oh yes, I love this city and I will surely miss it.

I know what anxiety is. The uncertainty of what will befall me tomorrow. Tuberculosis, herpes zoster, pneumonia, Kaposi's sarcoma, oral thrush, fungal rash, viral rash, bacterial rash, diarrhea, meningitis, cytomegalovirus, loss of weight until everyone can tell.

I know what anger is. Anger at myself for getting myself into this mess. Anger at God for not protecting me from this pestilence. Anger a the scientific world for not discovering a cure within my lifetime. Anger for still being alive.

I know what discrimination is. Being pushed off a bus by ignorant people who thought I was infectious by merely touching them. Being denied a chance to study in Russia, the USA, Canada, or Australia. No red meat, alcohol, sugar, Coca-Cola, sex. Having special laws made for me. Being denied employment, promotion, insurance, God's blessing when marrying. Written off." ~ Winstone Zulu, 28 Stories of AIDS in Africa, p. 222