Depression Sucks

People frequently ask how Jubilee is doing.  In all honesty, all things considered, she is an amazing young woman. She is not a little girl, which makes things that much more challenging, but she has been blessed with a resilient spirit.  That said, every day is a workout.

Today for example we had church.  Church is always tough.  It is a lot of talking, and it is all in English.  Trying to make sense of it is exhausting for her.  There are also a lot of people, and they all want to smile at her and try to make contact with her.  This is terrifying for her.  I let her step out for the passing of the peace, because it stresses her out way too much.  After church we had a picnic with a group of families that have adopted children from Ethiopia.  She didn't want to go, which is very typical.  She prefers to camp out on her bed and not move if at all possible.  I decided she just needed to go and maybe it would be wonderful.  It wasn't.  She avoided everyone and would not talk, AT ALL.

On the way home I was praying.  I know that I cannot give her hope, only God can do that.  I was praying for wisdom to know how much to push, and how much to let go.  I decided to call Gretchen and see if she had left town yet.  Gretchen is a wonderful young lady that Jubilee adores.  She said she was still around and would be happy to stop by on her way out.  For some reason Jubilee feels safe with Gretchen and can tell her anything.  Gretchen went down and chatted with her, and then came up and gave me the scoop.  Jubilee doesn't feel safe with us.  She was scared at the picnic, even though we were all there and were right next to her the whole time.  Her perception is that she is alone and there is no one to protect her.  She only feels safe, and even then it is only relatively so, on her bed in her room.  She does not see us a safety net.  She is terrified wherever she goes.

Depression and fear rule her life most of the time.  It makes me feels so completely helpless.  She doesn't trust me, and I don't comfort her.  There are brief periods when I do, but they are brief, and it feels like we start over every single day.  I am hoping to get some help, but finding a good therapist is not easy.  The good ones are busy, and don't return phone calls quickly.  Friday we had gone for a walk and she was having a meltdown on the sidewalk in the middle of a neighborhood a few blocks from our house.  I kept thinking the police were going to show up at any moment, and I was trying to figure out how I was going to explain this.  The upside would have been that the therapist just might have taken me seriously at that point.  We got through it, and she actually asked me to forgive her for the unkind things she said about me.  Asking forgiveness is NOT something she does easily.  It was actually very encouraging.  So there are moments of hope in the midst of long stretches of fear and sadness.

Life has been very scary for Jubilee for many years.  I am so hopeful that someday she will be a healthy, strong, beautiful young woman that will live in faith.  I keep hoping that she will begin to believe that she is as strong as I keep telling her she is.  The mountain she has to climb is very high, and very steep, but she has many guides to walk with her, and for that I am profoundly thankful.  Helping her to believe that God has a plan for her life and that it is good takes more power than I have by myself.  We have been blessed with a community of people that pray for her, talk to her, teach her, and rally around her day in and day out.  If only this stupid depression would let her see the light that surrounds her.  I know she has glimpsed it, and I know that the light in her will become stronger.