Choosing Battles

We learned many years ago that with children it is important to choose your battles wisely.  Don't make authoritative decisions that you aren't ready to back up.  Our adoption training, stressed this point as well.  Don't get into unnecessary power struggles, and if you do, be sure that you win.

Over the years the battles have changed.  It used to be important to me that my kids eat what I put on their plates.  It is still important to me that my kids not be rude, and refuse to eat when we are at other people's homes, but I am also aware that sometimes they will.  It has just become something I would rather instruct in, than battle over.  Maybe it is because I have more battles to fight that I try to conserve my energy for the really big ones.  I also know that some of my warriors are harder fighters than others, so I try to be sure I can still win those over.

For the most part the older kids have become less adversarial and more questioning.  Questioning in a good way.  We are not locking heads and trying to wear each other down, we are asking and answering questions.  We are working out what the best decision is together.  I actually enjoy these discussions.  It makes me think through why I am setting a standard, and what the important heart issue is.  For example, we are heading into swimwear season which is always a good time for discussion with teenage daughters.  I am very happy to say that so far we have been able to find swimwear we are all comfortable in.  The tables turned considerably in my favor when I asked them if it would be appropriate for me to wear the suit they were lobbying for.  They got horrified looks and said "no", so I asked them to explain why.  They got the picture, and a scary one at that.

With some of the kids we are still learning where the battlegrounds lie.  They are new to our family and sometimes the battles come upon us quickly and ferociously.  I tend to steer clear of big battles at all cost, but sometimes it just can't be helped.  They really can become very teachable moments, and definitely show our kids that we care enough about them to ride through the fiery darts until we have weathered the worst assault they can throw at us.  The battles can be long and exhausting, but in the end we are able to find peace.  We learn that we may have disagreements, but Mom and Dad are still in charge of this little band of warriors, and in the end we are all on the same side.  It is all part of making our family story.  Some of our battles become family lore, some are quickly forgotten because of their commonness.

What I have tried to remember before making some silly authoritative statement, is that I have to be ready to follow it up.  Am I making this demand because I am loving my child, or am I trying to prove my point?  Is it worth battling this child over this issue?  Is the battle going to bring glory to God, or is it just going to feed my ego?  I know that I have chosen some foolish battles because I wanted to show them who was boss.  It was so, not worth it.  I have also learned to repent quickly when I get into those situations.  My kids respect me much more when I am willing to acknowledge my mistakes, then when I persevere in them for the sake of being right.  God is on the side of the humble, and resists the proud.  I need to be sure when I choose battles with my kids that God is on my side.