Adopting Older Children

I wanted to clarify some of my thoughts on adoption from my previous post.  I don't want anyone to think that I am in any opposed to adoption, I am not.  I think adoption is new life.  It is a resurrection from the dead.  But it involves death, which is not a fun thing to deal with.

When we were first researching adoption, I read a lot of books on the subject.  There were many beautiful stories of children being brought into loving homes, and thriving.  There were also many beautiful stories of children brought into loving homes and flailing.  I read everything, the good, the bad and the ugly.  At the end of all the reading I laid my heart out before the Lord and was willing to walk whatever road He led me to.

In His kindness He gave us two beautiful, sensitive, bright, loving children.  I love them both beyond words.  I would lay my life down for each of them, and do every day.  Some of the "tough stuff" of adoption was easy to overlook with Nesradine.  He was young, and wanted very much to please us.  He had been in the orphanage since he was a toddler.  His orphanage was run by European Nuns, so his cultural experience was very different than Martha's.  With Martha things have been more obviously complicated.  She is older, so education is really a struggle.  She is a very smart girl, which is wonderful, but also frustrating.  She has a lot of ground to make up in reading skill.  She is still working through the mechanics of reading which makes comprehension very difficult.  She is not practiced at listening to stories being read, or lectures being given.  This has been a weakness in learning generally.  But she is acutely aware how much she needs to learn, and that her time is limited.  We are working through all of this, and it is not easy.  It is not insurmountable by any means, but it is a challenge.

I have talked with many Ethiopians since we have adopted the kids.  There are many, many opinions on keeping their Ethiopian culture.  Some are adamant that they must keep their language, and their culture.  Others think you need to embrace the culture you are in.  I have to say that keeping her Amharic is much more difficult than I had thought it would be.  I am quite sure that if we were to go back to Ethiopia it would come back to her very quickly, but since she hears it so rarely here it is slipping away from her.  She doesn't like to talk on the phone, which has hindered her from speaking with her friends as much as I had hoped she would.  I had heard that from many mothers, so I know that it is common, it just surprised me.  I have tried to make sure she gets to visit her close friends at least 4 times a year.  She needs that time to feel completely at home and accepted by people.  Being bi-cultural is a lot more work than it looks like from the outside.

In all of this transition and learning, Martha has shown amazing grace and resilience.  She gets overwhelmed at times and pulls back, but for the most part she plugs away at learning the new normal.  She is feeling safer and safer at home and at school.  She is making friends, or at least getting more comfortable with the people she is around each day.  She has learned an amazing amount of English in the last year.  She is healing.  She is learning to let the mole hills be mole hills and just step over them.  I am constantly amazed at her strength, and ability to know people.  I am so grateful to have her as my daughter.  I think she is thankful to have a Mom and a Dad.  Most of the time she is even thankful for all of her siblings.  Sometimes I'm not sure if she loves us, or is just resigned to us being the new normal for her.  Either way, we are still in the early chapters of this story.

Bringing older children into your home is not an easy task.  It is a complicated dance.  But when you master the steps, and have a partner working with you on it, it is beautiful.  Even when your partner falls, or you step on their toes, you just keep working on the steps.  Both partners, are learning and building skills they didn't have before.  The end result will be spectacular, I have every faith in that.

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Wads of gauzy snow descending from the sky into my muddy back yard.

Teenage children holding my little one's hands and guiding them through school.

Teachers that love my children and have laid down their lives to see them succeed.

First track meets of the season, always a humbling experience.

Running with the Jr. High girls even when they beat me.

Messy situations, and the challenge to find the grace to untangle all of the knots.  Letting love cover a multitude of sins.

Jewelry and its ability to make the plain beautiful.

The sound of my children huddled around the heating vent in the morning discussing their lives.  Some of my most precious memories are from these winter morning gatherings.