Honest Doubts

Do you ever have those days that you are just sure you are not a Christian?  The middle of the sermon this morning had me right there.  If I can't let Jesus fill me up then I must not be a Christian.  You know, those moments when you know the truth, but you don't see it happening in your life.  My battle is with joy.  I can sacrifice all day long, but with joy?

We live in an age, or maybe it is just this world, that loves to critique.  People seem to have no problem letting me know what I could be doing better, or what I really am not so great at.  (Like finishing a sentence with a preposition.)  Yep, I see the flaws too folks, at least a lot of them, I'm sure I have missed a few.  Does anyone ever stop themselves mid-critique and wonder if this is really what the world needs?  One more person to touch up some point someone else made, but we clearly didn't really take home.  Why do the well dones taste like vinegar in our mouths?   I know I am just as much to blame here as anyone.  I listen to myself talk to my kids and cringe.  Why don't I just shut up?  They don't need to be told, again, that they could study more, or come home earlier, or speak up, or smile more.  I know it as I say it, but I don't know what else to say.

So there I sit, empty.  I am a sinner.  I criticize and complain and want the world to be a better place.  I even want to be a better person in it.  But in my want I am empty again.  How do I find joy?  Working for it doesn't work.  Trying to muster it up doesn't work.  Listening to fantastic sermons doesn't work.  Listening to Christmas music with vanilla candles lit doesn't work.  Lecturing your kids at the table doesn't work.  Reading blogs makes it a thousand times worse.  Then what?

I will wait for the Lord.  I will look for things to be thankful for, and there are literally thousands everyday.  I will keep reading His word and lifting up my prayers.  I will keep hunting for joy.  I know there is no other answer besides Jesus.  He is a great savior. 

Thanksgiving:
~ the perfect law of liberty
~days of rest, still not easy
~people around me who are different than I am, and wonderful
~honest prayers of those who hurt
~writing that allows me to say what I can't get out of my mouth
~chocolate chex, I don't know why but they are awesom
~teenagers, fruit beginning to ripen into something amazing
~the smell of fresh evergreens
~family, even when you wish you could drive them out to the middle of nowhere and leave them for dead
~Christmas cards!