So soon?

What do you say on a day like this?  So many people have said so many amazingly eloquent things that I have been very hesitant to let my words flow.  I have let them flow to God along with my tears.

Here I am alone in my house, except for my grief stricken daughter who just wants to curl up in front of the t.v. and eat Guinness cake.  She has cried, and talked, and written.  My girl who always wants her friends around, just wants to be alone today.  How do I comfort my thirteen year old daughter who has lost her best friend, again, but this time until death reunites them.  I know God will grow her heart even bigger through this, but right now it just hurts.

I admit that I have no idea what to do.  I came home early to be here for my friend.  She is surrounded by the people that she loves, and I know she is well cared for.  I sat with her last night and cried, and talked, and cleaned up her house and hugged her kids.  What else can you do?  I called our friends and cried some more.  That's a great thing about friendships, the real ones let you call them at midnight and share all your disappointments in life and leave you feeling like you aren't alone.  We all grieve differently, so I'm not going to judge anyone through this.  Some people organize like crazy, some people bring cinnamon rolls, some people write beautiful words, some people pray, it all seems to help.  We all have to walk this bumpy path as individuals, but also as a body that is injured and hurting.  My friend and I decided last night we would rather show up and be awkward than to stay away and leave our friends feeling alone.  Maybe we were wrong, but I was glad I was there, and if I'm ever in their shoes I hope my friends show up with cinnamon rolls and coffee.

Life is messy.  Today I'm trying to clean up my mess, so that when people start coming I can welcome their mess in.  I'm praying a lot because I don't know how to do this.  I know life will involve many more deaths.  I also know it will never get easier.  That is the bad news folks, life doesn't get easier.  We get wiser, and stop trying to give so much advice because we know in the end it is a faithful bumping around and learning to clean up your messes.  I honestly think that once upon a time I thought life was about learning to do everything right.  Today I'm more interested in figuring out how to repent and ask for forgiveness well, extending forgiveness is right up there too.  Living with this bunch of sinners I've raised gives me countless opportunities to practice.  Maybe I'm just the worlds worst parent, but I've read enough good books to know that people just don't turn out the way we all had hoped.  And then God takes one of our imperfect little ones away all of a sudden, and we crumple to our knees and ask Him why.  He has cleaned up her mess perfectly, and we are all shattered.  I am so glad to know that Kalkidan is in the arms of the one who heals.  She is at peace.  I put my hope in that promise.

Jesus came to bear all of our sins away, and believe me they just keep getting piled on.  I can't wrap my mind around that gift.  I can't imagine walking this path without him helping me with the big rocks and heavy pack.  I trip, I fall, I give myself a black eye now and then, sometimes I give the person next to me the black eye.  I have found myself longing for Easter this Christmas.  Yes, Jesus was born to bring peace on earth, but it took him a lifetime of sorrow to accomplish it.  He left the glory of heaven to enter our darkness, WOW!  Our darkness is real, but so is His light and it cannot be overcome.  I am looking forward to celebrating new life, but that is not the season we are in.  I will be patient.  I will look to the one who knows this path and follow Him.