Not Afraid of 2015

What will this new year bring?  I hesitate to even speculate.  I have resolved to not expect too much of myself this coming year.  I want to give myself plenty of time to grieve with those around me.  I know that this coming year will be one of feeling like someone is missing, because they are.  I don't want to push that aside with activity.  I want to honor those that I miss by remembering them and letting myself slow down and deal with the loss.

As I walked behind Lisa yesterday afternoon, I told her our walks are going to be a lot slower this year.  She recognized that they will be for a while.  I know her, she's tough and she isn't going to let this slow her down for long.  She also told me we need to get our bodies in better shape, to be able to handle this whole getting old thing.  I'm not going to resolve to lose ten pounds or run a marathon this year.  I'm pretty sure if I resolve to walk with Lisa she will get me in better shape than I have been since the kids started cutting into my workout time.  I am resolving to walk with her, physically and spiritually this year.  We have walked together for many years, and this last week has brought home to me how much impact her family has had in my life.

This year I want to be present with my people.  I want to stop trying to manage the future and just live in the present well.  The worries of each day truly are sufficient.  I don't need to add to it by trying to figure out what God is doing next year.  Our lives can change drastically in an instant, and do more often than we care to admit.  This life is not mine to manage, it is just to be lived.  I want to watch the sunset more often.  I want to hold hands with my husband and my kids more often.  I want to sing and dance more.  I want to be thankful for the little things.

The one thing I have learned this week is that the really wonderful things in life hurt like hell.  Having children is crazy painful.  Marriage is crushing sometimes.  Loving anyone means heartache and loss right along with joy and laughter.  Yesterday we sobbed, touched, sang, prayed, sniffed, laughed, and said goodbye.  It gave me a headache and wore me out, but I wouldn't have missed it for the world.  I realized how much I love these people and how strong they are.  I realized how much of the Holy Spirit I see around me everyday just living in each of us.  I resolve this year not to be afraid. Life is painful, but the joy that comes in the midst of the pain is the gift of God.  Kalkidan lived life to the fullest of her ability in so many ways.  She has new life, and no more fear.  This year we will remember her smile and her laugh and her dance moves and her crazy hair and it will make us cry but it will fill us with joy because we had her for a moment.

I am thankful for the adventure of 2014, and I am hopeful for even more in 2015.  Happy New Year!