Good bye February

February is notoriously an odd month for me.  There are days that convince me spring is here, followed immediately by cold, windy, wet days.  Basketball has wrapped up, and track is just gearing up.  Easter is on the horizon, with Lent heavy upon us.  We are in a really thought-provoking sermon series on Hebrews, which incidentally is the book my Bible study group is working through this year.  Funerals seem to be more frequent than usual.  It is a month of lingering dark and cold with bursts of light and hope.

I've been spending a lot of time in God's Word.  I've tried to turn off as many distractions as possible, and tried to focus on feeding my brain.  I want to know God better.  I desire to live my life with God, instead of living for Him, as I have for far too long.  I'm recognizing sins that I need to deal with.  I'm seeking to invest in relationships, and I have A LOT of relationships that I can invest in.  It is a very humbling season for me.  I find myself wishing that I could have had this season much sooner in my life, for my children's sake.  I have to trust that God will be with them as well, making right the many things that I presented to them all wrong.

Getting to the gym on a regular basis has been a big attitude booster.  My workout buddy is pretty great too.  After some great reading, sweat, laughter and tired muscles I'm ready to take on whatever else the day brings.  A house full of teenagers, ALL DAY LONG, brings a lot of opportunities to question my life decisions.  Remembering to look to Jesus for wisdom, instead of popping off with my wealth of snarky comments takes some serious keeping my head in the game.  They keep me humble.  They have learned my snarkiness well, and can use it against me with skill that is impressive.  God help us.  I had Brook write "kind words, tender hearts, smile" on a chalk board in my living room to remind me.  It really does help.  Kindness is not my native tone, so I have to remember to practice it.

I think the theme we have been working on these last few months is grace.  I was saved by grace, big grace that covered a multitude of sins.  I then set off to prove myself to the world.  I learned the laws and tried to make sure I and all my household stuck to it.  It looked plausible for a few years, until God showed my that my life really is unmanageable, and that I can trust Him with it.  I've been trying to keep control of the mess, and hold God accountable for the last few years.  Today, what I'm hearing is that God is good.  I can trust Him.  I am not my children's savior.  We are all God's children in need of grace.  I need it every bit as much as they do.  My priority relationship is with God.  He will lead me where I need to be, and equip me for whatever it is he gives me.  I can trust Him to do the same for my kids, if they will have faith in Him.  I can't give them faith, I can only walk in it before them.  They might hear some of what I tell them, but they will walk the way I walk.  They will snark the way I snark if I don't learn to keep the law of kindness on my tongue.  By God's grace I will overcome my sin, and my kids will see it, or maybe my grand-kids.  Wrestling with grace is what I am doing.

I am looking forward to Easter, spring, track, fourth quarters, and a house full of people.  I know spring will have trials of its own, but it is always full of promise and more grace.  I have been keeping my thankful list as well, which always makes me smile:

~ girls making cookies in my kitchen
~kids playing foursquare in my driveway until 10:00.  Sorry neighbors, but they are staying out of trouble so I'm ok with it.
~siblings twinning at church, oh the horror!
~fantastic sermons
~friends showing up at church even though it is really hard to get there sometimes
~Sunday brunch
~girls getting up at the crack of dawn (literally) to watch the sun rise
~a day of rest, so that my muscles are ready for spinning tomorrow
~Sunday afternoon hikes on Moscow Mountain
~birds returning to Idahome