I remember a time in my life when I really envied the older women around me. They got to stay for the entire Bible study, and then have lunch together. They didn't have to find babysitters. They could go to the store without worrying about losing someone or being asked seven times seventy-seven times if they could get something. They didn't have spit up on their shirts. They must not have had a care in the world. If only. I will admit that I miss none of those aspects of my younger years, but I had no idea how much heavier my load was going to get.
It's true I don't have to find babysitters anymore. I do have to give babysitters rides to their jobs. I have to coordinate their schedules with mine. Often I'm the one babysitting and not getting paid. It isn't care free, but it is slightly more in my control. I have also learned to be compassionate to those who are walking behind me, because I know how discouraging it can be sometimes.
I think the thing that has surprised me the most is the conversations older ladies have. I really thought we would be more Martha Stewart and less Erma Bombeck. This summer I have talked more about cancer than politics, which for this year is saying something. I had dreamed of watching my girls meet the men of their dreams and be swept up in the joy of it all. Way too much Disney in my life apparently. Watching my daughter struggle with her boyfriend's declining health, on top of figuring out what she wants to do with her life, finishing up college, and trying to keep her car insurance paid is tough stuff. The conversations are hard. They involve a lot of tears. There is more awkward silence than I had imagined. Godly women suffer hard knocks in life. Cancer hits us, our friends, our spouses, our kids, our dogs, anyone at anytime. Our kids make really bad decisions from time to time. Yes, we did warn them, but some kids just need to make sure we know what we are talking about. Sometimes it takes a while for them to get it. I had no idea how many people would not be cool with that. They tend to be very busy when you want to have lunch. Actually when I think about it, I did know that. I was one of those people back when I knew everything about raising teenagers. I was one you know. I know how they think. I still do, and I know they don't want to hear my good advice. Watching them suffer for making decisions, good and bad, knowing that God is in this, is still hard. I want the easy road. I want the pretty house and quiet evenings. My life doesn't look like that. Me and my friends cry a lot. We get angry and know we want to control things we can't. We get impatient with our husbands and love them to death for putting up with our shenanigans, because we know we sound crazy. I thought life would become more manageable. Nope.
I don't wait for things to get better anymore. I pretty much assume this may be as good as it's going to get. Actually I'm probably well past prime and getting ready to continually lose things I have treasured. This seems to be the way life goes. At the end, all I will have is Jesus. He is all I have ever needed. As I get older the more real that gets. I hope for some beautiful moments, but I expect them to come with sadness mixed in. Someday one of my girls may get married. It will be beautiful and then she will really be her own family. She won't come home to stay and leave her shoes all over my house. She won't make a mess in my kitchen and leave it for me to complain about. She will be doing her own complaining in her own house. Maybe. Today I am going to enjoy the chaos. I will be hopeful that these boys that are around will be good men. I will pray hard and often. I will remember that Jesus is all I really need and these are the treasures he has given me in earthen vessels.
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