Monday, June 19, 2017

My people

Back when I was younger, had fewer grey hairs, an easier time losing that last five pounds, and all my kids could fit comfortably in my house I wanted to remember that when I got older I needed to be looking for other young moms to help out.  I think I was really wallowing in self pity and just wanted my mom to live closer and be more available to help with my herd.  I wish I would have done more reckoning with myself back then, but frankly I didn't have time.  I was an idiot and was busy trying to make my life impossibly difficult  so that I could prove what an awesome follower of God I was.  God is very kind.  He does not give us what we deserve, but he does allow us the freedom to learn lessons the hard way.  He has been very kind to my kids, because I definitely do not deserve the way they have turned out.

As I get older I realize that I need to be much gentler on everyone around me, which is not an easy task for me.  My motto is: "suck it up buttercup, life is hard."  Life is hard, and I need to walk along side people better.  I need to allow my kids and my parents to make decisions that may make some things harder for them or for me or for both.  I need to accept that I don't have any control over what they do.  I need to think more about how my decisions affect those around me.  I like to be independent, but there is no room for that in my life.  I have too many people living in close proximity to me to believe that anything I say, buy, do, believe has no affect on someone else.

I have struggled for most of my adult life with individualistic thinking.  I deeply desire to be part of a people.  That probably explains my insane choice of raising 9 of them.  I think my secret hope is that at least one of them might end up in the same town as me.  Things aren't looking good at the moment, but there is some hope.  I live in the constant tension of wanting to be my own person, and wanting to be committed to others.  I was honestly heartbroken when my brother and his family moved away from us.  I haven't really dealt with that completely.  We had gotten into some very fun grooves, and I miss the balance they brought to my life.  I just really miss them, all of them.  Loud, rowdy, smart-asses that they are, 200 miles away is too far.  When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in the same town as my grand-parents.  Ironically they live in the town my brother lives in now.  I'm trying not to question God on this, but I struggle.  It's not easy to develop close friendships (at least it is not easy for me) with people that aren't committed to you for better or for worse.

My FIL has recently started dating someone he is very excited about.  The rest of the family is trying to deal with our happiness for him, and heartbreak over the loss of my MIL.  Of course we are happy that he has someone to keep him from being lonely, at the same time we feel like we are dishonoring my MIL's memory.  I also know, although my husband doesn't yet, that it will alter all of our relationships with his dad.  Falling in love with someone new changes all of your other close relationships in ways that no one can predict.  It makes me a little bit anxious, even though I know it is likely what is best for him.  Another occasion to let my selfishness die.  My daughter has discussed her struggle with it as well.  The humorous part of that is that she has her own love interest that has altered all of our relationships, but she hasn't made the connection yet.  Letting the people you love love others and bring them into your family is quite the ride.  I guess I should be more thankful that they don't really know what a bunch of loonies they are getting involved with.  I try to focus on the many, many happily married people I know and trust that God will work it all out.

I'm trying to be very honest with myself.  I have a lot of close relationships in my life.  At this particular season most of them don't feel very good.  The majority of my children are at an age where they need to start moving away from mom and dad.  This is what should happen, but it doesn't feel great in the process.  I also have so many, so close in age, that it just feels like no one likes me very much.  Everyone has an opinion.  No one wants to share their plans, or their interests, because they don't want too much advice or a less than enthusiastic response.  I am grateful that my parents are filling in some of those conversations for me.  I know it is easier to talk to someone who is not your mom most of the time.  It just leaves me feeling very left out and unwanted.  I'm trusting that this will change eventually.  I'm also realizing that I need a support network of people that do like me, or at least can make me feel like they do.  I don't think my husband understands, and it is a lot to burden him with.  I know this too shall pass, and I'm trying to be thankful that they are still around even if they would rather not be.  This is not at all what I imagined my late 40's to be like.  I was hoping it would be more joyous and less insecure.  I really should have thought about that more when I was younger and just hoping things would get easier.  News flash girls, they don't get easier.  Teens don't puke as much as toddlers (usually) but they can be very unkind with their words and they don't go to bed at 8 pm.  My best piece of advice is to keep your girl friends close.  Don't let some petty thing come between you when your kids are little, you are going to need those ladies down the road.  No one is going to care who started walking first, or whose couch is cuter.  If she is a safe person who can make you laugh when you feel like crying, keep her at all costs!  Life is hard, but it is also beautiful.  Seasons are constantly changing, and new lessons are being learned.  Thank you Jesus for walking with me through this life, when it feels like everyone is distant, you are always near.

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