The last first day of school

Yesterday was an emotional day.  It was a hot day, a sweaty day, a long day, a day I have been looking forward to for the last several weeks.  Yesterday all my kids were finally off to school.  We do school a little differently around here, so I still have kids in and out of the house all day, but they have things they are supposed to be doing for someone else, which is awesome!

One very noticeable thing about yesterday was all the emotional moms I ran into.  I ran into a bunch of them at the store, and I have no idea what exactly they were emotional about, but it was clear from their expressions they were holding things together as best they could.  It reminded me that I need to smile more.  I even tried it, and it seemed to brighten the weary task of food procurement.  I talked to a couple of friends, and I know their struggles.  It was a hard day.  I kind of wanted to hug everyone, and tell them they were doing a great job.

I'm becoming that crazy old lady who smiles at strangers and tries to encourage young moms that I don't know.  I passed one mom with a baby strapped to her chest, two children in the cart and three walking alongside.  Been there, and I don't ever want to go back.  So I chatted with her for a minute, and not once did I ask if all of them were hers.  I'm sure she gets that one all the time, I did.  I try to remember not to intrude, but I do want ladies to know that I see them.  I see that they have hard things and that they are out their killing it.  I want to tell them that I am not judging them, which I know the little voice in my head is always telling me.  I empathize.  I don't know their struggles, but I say a little prayer for them, because I know God knows.  Even all the happy back to school posts on Facebook made me consider the challenges in life.  Lots of kids are standing alone this year, because all of their siblings are off to college.  Life changes, and it is emotional at times.  I know the changes are both good and bad, and I know sometimes you feel it all together and it throws you off. 

Today I am processing the struggles of the women in my life.  Teens struggling to fit in, and manage time, and think about their future, and manage friendships and social media.  It's hard.  College students learning to adult, making decisions that feel like they will change their whole lives, and some of them will.  It's hard too.  Young moms, tired and weary and sleep deprived and happily ever after is looking kind of sketchy, and friends have nicer homes and more family around.  Yep, hard.  Moms with older kids trying to figure out when to step in and when to hush, and how to maintain friendships when the schedule is full of sporting events, conferences, dinners to be made, job responsibilities.  Still hard.  I haven't quite gotten to the grandma stage, but I'm already getting tired faster, sleeping not so great, thinking about how to maintain relationships with kids that live far away, and what does God want me to be focusing on when there are so many needs everywhere.  What I want to say, is that I am not judging you.  I see you.  I know life is hard even when it's good.  You have one judge, our Father in Heaven, and He loves us!  He knows our struggles and He gives us other ladies to walk with, cry with, laugh with, vent with, hold babies with, clean up poop with.  I want to be that lady.  I want to be the lady you can grab downtown and ask me to pray for you.  I want to be the lady that you open the door for even when you are still in your jammies with no make up on at 11 in the morning.  I want to kill those wicked thoughts of censorship when I'm out shopping.  I know better. 

I know that God has taught me compassion, by taking me through hard things so that I understand how complex life is.  He has taught me patience by giving me a house full of beautiful people to disciple, love, and lead into adulthood.  He has taught me love by giving me a faithful husband who loves a hot mess like me.  He has taught me that He has seen it all.  He knows we are going to fail, and hopefully we will learn in the failing.  Hopefully we will help others when they are failing.  He gives us life full and abundant.  Living it out with other  people is challenging for me.  Risking embarrassing someone by hugging them in public is hard.  Even liking someone's post on Facebook is risky these days.  I pray that He gives me wisdom to know where to take risks and where to just pray.  I guess I'll just have to keep learning to walk with Him, to hear Him and to see Him at work all around me.  I guess my school year started yesterday too!