Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Confessions of a mean mom

Instead of fighting about labels, I'm just going to go ahead and accept this one.  Ok, so I am a mean mom.  Whatever.  I am the first to admit that I am direct.  I am not comfortable talking about my feelings, or yours.  I have a lot to get done every day and a lot of people that want me to get things done, so I don't have time to make conversation or ask how you feel about things or get into your business when all I really need is to let you know what time I will be there to pick you up.  Texting has saved my life in so many ways.  Here is the deal though.  I do care.  I do have feelings.  I do think about people all day long.  I shed tears for the sorrows in the lives of people around me, especially for my kids.

When I was growing up I was told that no one is looking out for me.  If I want things, I need to be aggressive.  Tears will get you no where, don't waste your energy with those.  Be polite, but firm.  Then I found Jesus, and He gave me a new life and a new way to live.  The thing about Jesus is that He gives guidelines, not rules.  I became involved in a church which taught me that the Jesus way is meekness.  I am to be soft spoken, and gentle.  I am supposed to win people without a word.  I am supposed to be feminine and love beautiful things.  I'm a simple girl.  I like clear, concise, easy to follow instructions.  Let's just say, I find myself in a land of confusion on the daily.  I'm trying to do the right thing, and it comes out all wrong.  It's sort of like my attempts at doing Pinterest projects.  My intentions are lovely, but my executions gets all kinds of whacked.

I've spent the last two weeks single parenting.  Let's just say you all better be praying that Rick has a long and healthy life.  My kids are very ready to have the better half return and soon!  I know that I love my family.  I love them so very much.  It breaks my heart that they don't experience that love.  I am honestly trying to express to them that they are my life.  I just have no clue how to do that.  I try to give them a lovely place to live, but they don't recognize that as an act of love.  I pray for them every single day.  I pray that God will change my heart and show me how He sees them and the situations that they are in so that I can help them be the best that God has for them.  They don't experience that either.  I am not good at nurturing.  I am good at being efficient.  I'm not soft spoken.  I sound ridiculous when I try to say things sweetly, just ask the kids, they think it's creepy.  I have a really hard time keeping my opinion guarded and trying to sound neutral when I think they are doing things that are foolish.   I want good things for them, so when they are choosing not so great things, it is really hard for me to let that go.

My biggest fear is that I will drive all the people in my life away.  There it is, the big black hole in my heart.  I love people.  I hate to see them hurting.  I want to protect them from the things in life that cause them pain, unfortunately sometimes they really love those things.  I don't know how to live with that.  I see my people pulling away from me.  I know that your kids are supposed to grow up and leave, but it is really scary.  I find myself sitting alone more and more.  It isn't comfortable at all.  I am trying to sit with loneliness and make peace with it.  There may come a day when all I have is Jesus, and I want to be ok with that.  I have to be able to give my people freedom.  They have to choose who they want to be close to.  God gave us that freedom, and He wants us to give it to others.  It makes you feel pretty naked and vulnerable to ponder who might choose to sit at my table.  I am praying that the Lord fills my table with those that He chooses for me.  I am praying that I will be able to express my love for people in a way that feels good to them.  I am trying people!  I really am.  I know that I am known and I am loved and even mean people like me have a place in the Kingdom.


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