I grew up with a telephone attached to a wall. I shared one phone line with the three other people in my house and the four people in the house down the road. We talked into this device. We wrote notes in class, on paper, with a pen, to communicate with friends at school. After school we talked, in groups, face to face. Apparently is is primitive behavior that is out dated and needs to be seen as such.
The twelve year old in question has managed to get into situations where we have been required to talk to law officers and counselors, both of which have looked my husband in the eye and said that he needs to allow him to earn a device and learn to use it with set limits, and that we should help him do this. Nice. Really? My oldest child did not get a cell phone until she was 16, able to drive, and working. My twelve year old spends his time at school, with me, or at practice. He does not NEED to communicate with his friends by text. He has the opportunity all day long to communicate with his friends by speech or by the primitive art of note writing. Teaching children how to set healthy limits with the internet, as far as I can tell is nearly impossible. How many adults do I know that are good with setting reasonable boundaries on their internet use? I haven't even seen any good definitions of what a reasonable boundary is. Is two hours a day of snap chat reasonable? This is a hot topic of debate at my dining room table (where cell phones are not allowed). The whole idea of social media is to create a need to be connected (are we really connected?) so that we are compelled to constantly be checking to see if people are responding to us. My kids act like drug addicts with their cell phones, and I see no reason why giving my twelve year old, who has an obvious lack of self control, a device is going to make either of our lives better. I'm sorry officer whoever, I disagree with you. I could rant for quite some time on the fact that this is child number 8, so not my first rodeo, and none of them so far has ended up in jail. I think I have some idea of when my children have need of a cell phone.
I believe the problem is a need for control. But this is where I get all kinds of confused. He wants to control his life, as all twelve year olds do. I want to control the boundaries I allow him to have. At times I want to control the counselors and ask them to do their job and let me do mine. When I feel like the twelve year old is controlling me the battle lines get drawn really quickly. This is when I lose all sense of proportion and pull the mamma bear with an attitude and no one does anything productive. What I want is to help my son understand his need for control and deal with his lack of control in healthy ways. I was hoping the counselor would have the skills to address this, and maybe he does we just haven't given it enough time (but time is money people, and this counseling stuff isn't cheap). By the way, if you are considering adoption, add years of counseling at $125/hour times at least 24 visits per year to your estimated costs, seriously. The big question is which one of us needs counseling? According to the officer and the counselor I do. I cannot accept this. Well, actually I can accept this, I do agree I need counseling but like I said it is expensive. I am confused about how my changing my attitude towards technology is going to help my son deal with his control needs. I am certain that if I hand him the iPhone X today he will not be satisfied and the need for control will pop up in some other area. This I know. What I don't know is how to kindly, gently, respectfully lead my son in giving up the need for control and walk in trust with his God. Maybe God needs me to practice my walk with Him. Maybe this struggle is more about my need to control my son than it is about his need to have access to technology, which is probably what officer what's his name and the counselor think is going on. I'll take that up with God. Meanwhile back on the home front I need to walk in an accepting way. I need to treat my son with kindness and compassion. I need to walk in truth and love. That sounds really nice and neat on this screen, but it is really messy in my kitchen. I just sent him out the door to school. I had to apologize for being too harsh this morning the third time I went in to tell him to get out of bed. I had to remind him that I love him and that I accept him as he is. I know he's not a morning person, and I need to be patient with that.
He is my kid that pushes every possible button of mine. He is super competitive and a showman. Not qualities I necessarily admire. I have seen these qualities shine in him. I know they can bring great things out of him and others. He rocks the football field, and his teammates love it. He brings life to any group and has a wonderful laugh. He is also a very deep thinker, which makes me nervous sometimes. He needs someone to share those big thoughts with and work them out. He needs someone wise to listen to him and help him deal with the depth of loss he has had in his life. Sometimes being a mom is so hard because you see the need, but you aren't the one to meet it. Thank God I have a God who I can cry out to, who knows the deeper need and can call the person up to meet it. God had this little guy in Ethiopia. He took care of him for four years there before he brought him to us. We brought him to the guest house with his pants full of watches from the orphanage office. Which is one of the reasons I am not convinced that his issues stem from my control issues. I trust God with both of our stories. I know God has big plans for my son. He has brought him long distances and provided wonderful people in him life. I need to be able to own my story. I can't control my son. I can't control any of my children's internet use, no matter how many parental controls and filters I have. I can't control anyone's heart but my own. I know that at the end of the day this is a heart issue. Only God knows what's in our hearts. We think we do, but we so easily deceive ourselves. Lord give me eyes to see what you need me to see, take my hand and walk with me through this valley.
I am thankful for:
11. Good counselors, who really are worth every penny.
12. Sunshine on snowy mountains.
13. Forgiveness, the great setting free.
14. Warm slippers.
15. Lemons, the smell of a fresh cut lemon in the winter brings all kinds of sunshine.
16. Sore muscles, which means I got to the gym and actually did something productive.
17. The internet, the bane of my existence which also lets me talk face to face with kids in other states.
18. Candles
19. Ferdinand, my cat.
20. Oatmeal, warm, filling, low calorie sweetness on a cold morning.
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