Marriage is difficult. Living with another human is difficult, but I think living alone would be even more difficult. It's easy to think that if I had my own space, all would be peace and harmony. My mind can only deal with so many scenarios, challenges, and perspectives. I have been letting myself think I just need my own space, when really the only space I need to myself is between my ears.
I started using the Calm app to practice meditation. I can see that creating the discipline of focusing my mind on the here and now will allow me to tune out the millions of distractions that make me feel crazy. Why is it so easy to see when other people are allowing themselves to be discontent because they are focused on all that is wrong with the world, but I completely miss that I am doing that as well. I guess I have a plank in my eye that keeps me from seeing clearly. My life is wonderful. My God is wonderful and has created a world that is mind boggling in its beauty and intricacy. When I stop and let the warmth of the sun (70 degrees on December 1) soak into my skin and enjoy the gifts of God, I can't find anything that unsettles me. I know there will be dark times, but today is not one of them and I don't need to look for them.
So how does this relate to my marriage? When I remember that I have things good I can just keep moving forward. Occasionally I convince myself that I have it bad, and I need to change it. Then God gives me the gift of perspective. Today a friend called and shared a really hard thing she is dealing with. All of a sudden my bad things seemed pretty petty. I had forgotten to be grateful for what I have. I lost perspective on what good gifts I have been given and how I should be treating them. Marriage is a constant battle between trusting someone, who isn't you, with your whole life and the urge to think things would be better if I was alone or trusting some other someone who still isn't me. Yes, it's hard at times, but it's also life giving. It means I have to change my habits and hang-ups and deal with my stuff. I can't be lazy and make messes everywhere I go and expect no one else to point it out.
At the end of the day, marriage forces me to be a better person. I have to give of myself. I have to consider others, because they are right there and don't go away. Rick gives me a lot of freedom, too much freedom at times. I'd prefer (I think) someone who would tell me to knock it off a little sooner. I would seriously have to work on my response to that, because I'm pretty sure some fits would be pitched. As it is my tantrums are usually of my own making. Rick just blankly stares at me, like I'm losing my mind, which I may be. I guess that's the blessing of being married. You have a witness to your crazy. Someone can push you back in the direction of socially acceptable. I've lived to fight another day, and besides divorce seriously messes up kids. I don't need to put that on them.
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