Staggering

 One of the unexpected blessings of moving to my parent's hometown is hearing stories of my life that I had forgotten.  I am one of the younger cousins on my dad's side of the family.  We lived in Wenatchee when I was a toddler, which of course I don't remember, but my cousins do.  Sometimes they will tell me little things that seem insignificant, but they are little glimpses of me that are very insightful.  Little things like my dad taking me over to my aunt and uncle's to cut wood.  I preferred being outside watching them work to staying at home with mom and my baby brother.  Good choice little girl.  I love my brother, now.

My mind has been swimming the last couple of days processing my childhood, my children's childhood, how much damage life does to children.  I'm trying to sort out what is good, what is evil and what just is.  There were definitely things that happened that were evil.  Those things triggered responses: parents responded, children responded, communities responded, friends responded, pastors responded, sometimes law enforcement responded.  I'm really trying to focus on my responses.  Where do I need to make amends?  Where do I need to accept that some things cannot be changed?  I know that children look to their moms for so many things.  It took me a lot of years to accept that my mom did the best she could and that she was in no way responsible for my behavior.  My response to life is mine.  

Having nine children was probably a really stupid decision on my part.  I have a deep need to work hard, and at the same time I am fundamentally lazy.  If something is easy I just keep piling it on until I stagger.  Well nine kids will make you stagger.  Having 3 kids no more than 18 months apart will make you stagger.  Being an introvert that really likes things orderly with any kids will make you stagger.  I have created a pretty good little disaster of a family.  Yes, me and my kids all need therapy.  There are so many bad decisions that have gotten me to where I am now, but I will not give up hope.  All this is true, but God.

This morning I was reading my Bible, which is always a good decision.  I was reminded that God sees us, hears us, and has mercy on us.  We are his children, my children are his children.  Some of my children would like to deny this, but I know it is truth.  I know that God has used hard things in my life to make new and lovely things.  He will not leave me wallowing in the mire.  I trust his process.  Even though there are days when I'm so incredibly disappointed that my vision of life is not at all coming to pass, I trust that whatever he is working out will be infinitely better.  I am grateful for my aunts and uncles who have been walking this life longer than I have.  They give me a better perspective and remind me where I have come from.  I will continue staggering through with the people I call family.  Who knows what God will do with these people?  I know it will be a better story than the one I had envisioned.