That moment when you realize...

God delights in us even when we are knuckleheads, which is most of the time.  One of the really comfortable things about having all my kids at home last school year, was that I had the illusion that I had some control over what they were up to.  I didn't of course, but it felt like I did., which is actually one of the downsides of homeschooling.  There is a temptation to think your kids are doing better than they really are because they don't have the opportunity to go out and be knuckleheads on a daily basis.  I knew this intellectually, and it makes me very thankful for a community of people to watch my kids and let me know when they need a kick in the fanny.  Just to be fair, I also have people who will kick me in the fanny, because I need it on a regular basis as well.  The kids had the joy of doing this when they were home, and now it is up to my friends to jump in and take their job.

I remember a conversation back in yesteryear when my kids were hitting middle school age.  It was time to give them a little more freedom than we mothers were comfortable with, but it needed to be done.  I remember saying somthing about needing to have faith, my friend's question was, "in what?"  The answer to that is always in God.  Year after year my faith gets deeper when I realize that these are His kids, not mine.  He called me to be faithful in the little things while they were young.  Faithful in feeding them, keeping them reasonably clean, disciplining them with love and consistency, taking notes on their besetting sins so they can still be addressed when they get good at hiding them, encouraging them to walk with God, and generally showing them that they were delighted in.  I was being called to be faithful in the work of parenting, but the results have always been in God's hand.  He is the author of their story, and mine, and I don't get to control how things go.

Looking back I failed a lot.  I got too caught up in whether or not my life had meaning.  I was preoccupied with whether or not I was doing the right thing with school, or food, or discipline, or decorations, or matching outfits, or a thousand other ridiculous distractions, but at the end of the years God is very kind.  He has let my love that is very imperfect cover a multitude of sins.  He lets us forget a lot of our little years.  My kids have very odd memories of their pre-school years, and over all they remember that they were happy.  I find this shocking, and more than a little bit encouraging.

Now as I sit and ponder whether or not I should call my college students more than once a week, I am working on a deepening faith.  I don't know who they are hanging around with.  I haven't met the people they are talking about.  They don't tell me funny stories about what happened in class, or who the annoying kid is in the front row.  I get an occasional text asking me to send something, or a screen shot of a conversation they thought I might like.  I pray for them a lot.  I know that God has them in His hand, and that they have to go off on this adventure without me.  I know that I can't change the past and do a better job preparing them.  I have to trust that God is faithful to them and to me.  I have faith that He is big enough to get all of us through the valleys and the mountains that lie ahead.  Any illusion I had of controlling their life is all gone.  Now I wait, and watch, and pray and trust that their Father is walking them down the path He has for them.

I have to keep reminding myself of these things.  Just because I have two that are out on their own, does not mean that the job is done.  I need to find ways to communicate that I still love them and care about what they are doing, while still meeting the needs at home.  I still have third graders that need to be quizzed in Latin, that I still can't pronounce correctly.  I have kids that still need to learn to drive.  I am still searching for wisdom in balancing how much screen time is too much, and how to monitor the millions of texts coming in and out of my home.  I need to be faithful in all the little things while remembering that God is control of how it all shakes out.  My tendency is to let God have the whole thing and just lock myself in my room and pray, but He needs me to keep on feeding them and clothing them and trying to keep them on the narrow path.  Finding the joy in the work is really the trick.  Trusting God to walk with me when I know what I am doing doesn't look good to those on the other side, or when I am pretty sure my child has it all wrong.  Deep faith will get me through those long days.  He loved me and snatched me out of my own pit, I am confident that He can do this for my band of knuckleheads as well.

I am thankful for:
-leaves turning colors
-parents that laugh at my foolishness, now
-the smell of zucchini bread baking
-bicycle rides with sweaty kids
-teens learning to find their wings
-Instagram
-friends who have been down this road who can walk with me
-fresh vegetables coming out of the dirt