Thursday, October 16, 2014

Good Friends

I participated in a panel discussion on mentoring at our church last night.  Mentoring is apparently a technical term for friendships with people outside of your own demographic.  We were a room full of ladies, so our discussion was specifically women mentoring other women.  I had wanted to write about this before the discussion, but computer time is at a premium around here, and blogging on an iPad is beyond my skill set.  This isn't notes on what I talked about, but more of a summary of some things that we talked over with added contemplation thrown in.  So if you were there and wonder where I got all of this that is my caveat.

I have learned to value the wisdom that older people have just through years of experience living life on this crazy planet.  God has given me a broad range of friends with a lot of different life experiences.  My adoptive friends have some incredibly rich stories of life with challenging children.  My older lady friends that have more than three children have incredible insight in child psychology.  No two kids are the same no matter how close their DNA is.  You learn over time that some things you thought were "the answer" flop in a different set of circumstances.  Different family cultures produce different perspective on family life, dating, marriage, child birth, discipline, aging, health issues, and every other subject under the sun.  Getting out of my head and listening to what other people have walked through is a healthy thing.  We even realized as a group that as a community everyone is feeling a little down around February-April, just knowing that can make that stretch a source of growth.

Some things that were generally considered successful in mentoring friendships were humility, prayer, an ability to listen attentively, availability, and a realization that you are not there to fix anything, you are just there to walk alongside.  Sometimes you are just there to help teach a skill, and have someone in your house.  Whatever you are doing, being together and being willing to share yourself were the most important things.  A lot can be learned from books, blogs, and seminars, but those things are very scripted and tidy.  I can say all kinds of great sounding things here, but if you see me picking up my kids after school you might have a different view of my life.  I can fill in a lot of details over breakfast, or coffee, and if I have you over you can see what kind of housekeeper I am and if any of this stuff is true.  I think the temptation with media over relationships is that you compare yourself to an unrealistic standard.  The media view is the ideal, and reality is much more gritty.  Even gritty bloggers I know don't share the dark corners of their closet, it would not be healthy to do that on the internet.  Living out our lives in each other's presence gives us a better picture of how we live and move and have our being in Christ and in our community.

I do not consider myself to be a woman of great wisdom, unless admitting that you really have no idea how things happen you just trust God to do His thing while you try not to mess it up, is possibly the wisdom that we need.  I don't have a lot of answers, and I have found that "it depends" is the most common answer, which is why I think relationships trump books and blogs.  I have read some great articles that cover a subject broadly, but we don't live in broad circumstances.  We are trying to deal with this child on this day and those principles can be helpful but they are also easy to get lost in at times.  More often than not, what is needed is someone to look at the situation from two steps back and give some directions to get you out of it.  I think the biggest problem we have in those moments is thinking that we can figure it out on our own, or that the person we want to ask for help is too busy.  I usually call my husband, who almost never answers the phone in the moment of need.  I will try to remember to call Carol next even though she is across the country.  What those moments require is someone who we trust to step into the mess and pull us out, which honestly is not as bad as we tend to think it is from our vantage point.  It's sort of like the toddler who accidentally dumps the box of cereal out on the floor and bursts into tears.  You just need to pick them up, set them on the couch and grab a broom.  It's not a big deal, unless of course the younger siblings are downstairs unloading a dresser, or helping to potty train another sibling, which is most often the case, but I digress.  Sometimes wisdom is different perspective rather than new information, and all of us have that.

The things we decided were relationship killers were expectations.  If we go into a relationship thinking we have all the answers, that is generally not good.  Especially if those answers tend to force someone else into a mold we have created for them, which usually looks like us.  Trying to talk over someone instead of listening to them tends to be unsuccessful.  Going into a relationship in order to fix someone does not make them happy, and leaves us frustrated.  Sometimes our great advice is not heeded, which may because it wasn't great, or it wasn't wanted, in either case the results don't come from us, and we need to remember that.

As I think about the friends that God has brought into my life I am incredibly thankful.  We may disagree on many things but those disagreements have caused much growth.  Those friends who I trust to tell me when I am acting like a fool I value more than all the compliments in the world.  I have cried over several of their departures to far flung places, only to find that God had sent them away so that my kids would have someone they loved close to them.  When I am feeling like a wreck, I can call someone to walk with me and share their life which often makes my problems seem petty.  I have learned to be compassionate with people who do things I wouldn't do, but I believe they are doing it for the right reasons.  I have learned to forgive because I have been forgiven.  I have learned that my friendships are complicated and that families can add to those complications, but at the end of the day I need those women in my life.  As the years go by and we walk together longer we learn to laugh more, judge less, pray without ceasing, have an extra plate at the table at all times, let go of any petty pride, and don't be shocked by anyone's laundry room.  Thank you friends!

1 comment:

Abra said...

"Sometimes wisdom is different perspective rather than new information, and all of us have that."

Amen!! So thankful for you and your different perspective!