His Strength, My Weakness

Hi, my name is Signe and I am powerless over: sunrises, food, sleep, children, my husband, my neighbors, my weight, my emotions, pretty much you name it and fill it in.  I have known that for many years, although anytime that God allows something great to come my way I do let myself think that I might just be getting somewhere.  I am even powerless over all the good things in my life.  I didn't earn them.  I didn't work so hard, I didn't perfect any skills, I didn't do anything good on my own.  It is all God.

I'm one of those people who spends a lot of time wondering if I am really one of God's children.  I know that there are people out there that don't get this at all, and I am happy for you!  If this is not your struggle then you can either read this as a curious peek into other people's freakish issues, or not waste your time and read someone else's blog.  I know that God created the universe, I don't doubt that at all.  I do doubt that He has filled me with His Holy Spirit.  Here is my problem:  If I am filled with the Holy Spirit why do I do dumb things, fear dumb things, hang onto dumb things, say dumb things, spend a lot of time with dumb things?  Why am I not free from all this dumbness?

I live in a broken world.  It is being worked on, but it's still broken.  Children still go missing.  Husbands leave their families.  Pastors abuse their flocks.  Presidents abuse their people.  Christians abuse each other.  We are all hoping in a future where every tear is wiped away, but we are usually looking for it through tears.  I struggle with that.  Is the great glory that we can't see worth all of this abuse, forgiveness, pain, loss, grief, repentance, denying oneself?

What evidence do I have that there is joy set before me?  What strength is being shown through weakness all around me?  I could get very personal because I live among some amazing saints.  They don't look like the saints you see in books.  They are very ordinary looking people.  What I have discovered is that there is great power in their stories.  They are people who have lost things.  They may have very broken lives, but God has mended them in incredible ways.  They aren't my stories to tell, but I keep hoping some of them will become books.  I have discovered that the most powerful thing I have is my story.  God is the author of my story, and He gets all the glory for how it rolls out.  I have found that when I was searching for the right answers, and the right way to do things I became miserable.  All my answers to life's questions didn't solve anyone's problems or even make them want to be around me.  When I am willing to be weak, to sit with someone else who is weak and to put all our hope in God, then I am getting somewhere.  I have found joy in being with others.  Being with them in good things, like weddings, and births, and parties as well as the hard things, like funerals, or deep disappointments, or broken relationships.  There is great joy in not being alone.  That is what I am hoping for.  My eternal life is to be in the presence of my Father and my savior and to enjoy them forever.

I know this.  I can write this down and seems to make reasonable sense.  But then the phone rings, or I check Facebook and I get hit in the face with more brokenness I flinch, I feel too small.  I watch my kids dive head first into very shallow pools and try to be God for a moment.  He is their father too.  They are also broken.  I have caused some of their dings and scratches.  God will show His strength in their weakness as well, and so this broken world will keep turning.  The sun will keep it's steady pace from horizon to horizon until well after my children bury me in the ground.  I am powerless to save them.  That is really really hard for any Christian mom to say.  We all want to believe that if we train them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, they will be good little Christians and make us proud!  Proverbs 22:6 says Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.  There will be a lot of bumps in the way from child to being old.  There will be many ways for God to reveal Himself to us.  That is what this life is all about getting to know who God is and how we relate to Him.  I have to let other people into my children's lives.  These people are made in God's image too.  Some of them will hurt my kids.  God will be there.  He will walk with them, and He will heal them.

Life is hard.  I am weak.  I can't save myself or my children.  I trust in God.  I tried to live life without  Him and it was unbearable.  He rescued me from me.  Life is still hard, but I have someone who understands.  He is always with me.  He is so much bigger than I am that I can hide myself in Him.  He knows I'm broken and He fixes me so that I can tell others about Him and they can be fixed.  My hope is that one day the sun will rise and never set.  He will be the sun and I will always be in His presence.  Everything will be made right.  Until then I see Him in others.  I see Him in children who trust in all things.  I see Him in friends who endure incredible loss and can laugh through their tears.  I see Him in weddings when the bride and groom dance together.  I see Him in homes when wives help husbands eat because they can't feed themselves anymore.  I see Him in friends who love me when I tell them what an awful fit I pitched in front of my kids that morning and how imperfect my apology was, and they smile and nod and say, "me too."  My hope is that someday we will all be set free from our anger and fear and grief and we will be beautiful and full of joy and will stand together before our Father.  I do see glimpses of that here and it gives me the strength to go on.