Just Me

It's taken me 47 years to figure out that God made me this way for a reason.  This is not a Lady Gaga take on the world, I am fully aware that I have things that I need to work on.  I hope I will get better, not stuck in my selfishness.  What I am coming to terms with is that I am different than other people.  I have friends that I really admire and they have character traits that I would like to have more of, but I don't have to be just like them to glorify God.  He has made me unique and has good work for me to do.  My work is different than my friend's work most of the time.  There are times when we are working on the same thing, which is fun, but it isn't all the time.  The only person who I really need to be working with everyday is Rick.  That is an area that I need to grow in.  I'm called to make sure my path and his are going the same direction and are providing room for both of us to grow together.  Hopefully I will be working on that this year.

I spent a lot of years trying to look like some model family that I thought was doing everything right.  They may have been doing everything right for them, but it wasn't for me.  I have a good friend whose family is lovely and there are times I wonder if mine is completely messed up because we don't look like them.  Then I remember that she is doing what God has called her and her husband to, and Rick and I are called to something else.  We both are married and have many kids, but our kids have different interests.  Our husbands have different gifts and talents.  We have different strengths and weaknesses.  We have similarities too, which make for a lovely friendship, but I don't have to try to imitate her life.  I really wish I would have figured this out fifteen years ago.  It would have saved my family a lot of anxiety about how they should be behave.  Sanctification is slow and there are mistakes that we all will make along the way.  I trust God and his story telling ability.

There is a lot of peace in trusting God with our story.  I don't have to worry about what other people think about my family or decisions that we make.  I am part of a community of people who I care about.  It's not that I want to be in other people's faces with my life, quite the opposite.  I want to be the best we can be.  I need other people to ask questions so that I can talk through why we have done certain things.  That doesn't mean they have to do the same things we did, it just means that I know why I am doing what I am doing and if those reasons help someone else, great.  I don't worry anymore that my family doesn't measure up to some standard that is unrealistic or just not appropriate for who we are.  We are a quirky bunch of folks that are doing our best to walk with Jesus and bring some heaven on earth.  We get tripped up by our own selfishness.  We try to fix things that aren't ours to fix.  We try to help people that don't necessarily want our help.  We forget to check in on people that we should be trying to help.  We are very human.  I have had to let go of some crazy standards that I thought would make my kids better people.  They just made me an angry mom, and my kids insecure.  That doesn't mean those standards are flawed, but my use of them sure was.  I have great kids.  They do some dumb things sometimes, but not nearly as dumb as the things I did at their age.  They are funny.  They are sarcastic, which is something we definitely need to tone down if for no one else to keep Helen from blowing a brain cell.  I am very thankful that God gave me this ridiculous number of people.  I wanted a lot of children for some really dumb reasons, but God let me have them.  I am thankful for his faithfulness to them.  I need them to make me a better person.

What I need to do with this is to remember that those behind me on the road need encouragement, not eye rolling.  They need me to be honest.  They need to know that we all are working on our flaws and that they are doing great given what they have to work with.  I need to remember that I need people farther down the road to encourage me.  I need their perspective other wise I think life is either hopeless or that I have it all figured out.  I need a community around me that is honest with me, and will love me flaws and all.  I need them to remind me that God has things for me to do, so get up out of my head and start doing them.  Left to myself I would go to the gym early, come home and read all day, interrupting myself only to make food.  I'd be totally cool only interacting with the people who live here, and I would love it if some of them would like to start  their own households.  I need to push myself to walk with other people.  I love it when I do, but it takes a lot of energy for me to seek out people.  This is why I get involved in the activities my kids are participating in.  There is a built in motivation to be there, which is what I need.

Today I am thankful that all my kids are alive and well.  K-man fell asleep driving home from a training weekend in Boise.  I think it scared us both terribly and also made us incredibly thankful that God has him in his hand always.  Saturday was not his day, he still has more to do.  I am thankful for all my kids doing well in their respective school situations.  We have struggled to find a happy place for our kids educationally, so having a smooth year is pretty great.  I am thankful for a sunny day if only for a few hours.  I am thankful for a gym partner who makes me laugh.  I need exercise and I need laughter.  I am thankful for dinner with friends who know me well enough to say "hey, we need to eat together!"  They knew that they didn't need to clean for me, or I for them.  We were all cool with simple food and good conversation.  I am thankful for a restful Sunday and a sweet friend with a quiet home to watch good movies with.  Life is truly good.