I'm reading a book, A Church Called TOV, Forming a Goodness Culture that resists abuses of Power and Promotes Healing by Scot McKnight. The first section is on identifying toxic church cultures, it's not fun reading. It was all too familiar, and unsettling to read. I really wanted our family's story to be uncommon, not as in exceptional, but as in I hope this isn't happening to other people. Apparently we are as common as dirt.
I started into the next section, hoping maybe I would feel a bit more light coming in. I started reading about empathy. I remembered that Doug had written something about how awful empathy is, so I thought I'd look it up and see where he was coming from. Why, why, why, do I do that? Fifteen minutes into the hour plus podcast I felt all the old feelings creeping up on me. I hear his words. I want to believe that he understands the grace in the words he is repeating from the Bible. His presentation just makes me want to scream. Why does he think that every relational issue has a true and false side? We are fully orbed human beings. We aren't good or evil, we are a healthy mix of both. When we interact with others there are not right and wrong interactions. There are human interactions. There are emotions, and hormones, and perspectives and the Holy Spirit working in all of it. This world is not black and white. He is not the judge of every interaction of every person who steps in his office. I suddenly started thinking about the way he interacted with me as I sat in his office. The entire time I was being analyzed for the accuracy of my statements. I was not being ministered to, I was being analyzed and catagorized. Wow. Just wow.
It has been really hard to get comfortable in our new church body. The people seem very genuine. The pastors are very smart, and seem very humble. I have appreciated the room they have given us to settle in and figure out our place. I have not made much effort at really getting to know people. I have had a few interactions, where I realized I could have explained myself better, but decided not to. I'm completely fine with being Brant's sister, who seems a little aloof, or slow, or maybe a little mean. Not mean in an attacking way, mean in a "I don't care if you like me" way. I tried so hard to fit in at other churches, and I don't actually care anymore. I know God loves me as I am. I am not what people expect a godly older woman to be, and I am fine with it. I love kids. I love dogs. I love people, especially people who are quirky. I do not love huge sterile houses. I do not love loud gatherings where people wander around talking about nothing. I do not love hiking in the woods with people I don't know. I do love reading books and discussing them. I'm strange.
The Bible is full of strange characters, so I feel like I might be ok. Most of the books I read tend to have strange characters that see things other people don't. Or they experience things in life that give them insight into things that make them not so fun to be around. I'm not fun. I'm sarcastic, dry, thoughtful, opinionated and often dead wrong. I find David's character comforting. I'm sure he wasn't easy to talk to all the time. The women he seemed to like were not like the women Nancy Wilson recommends we all imitate. They were shrewd and fiery. They got shit done. I love to meditate on God's Word. The Bible is such a great book. I think it's funny when we preach on certain passages that aren't appropriate for kids. Really? Have you watched cartoons lately. I think we better teach them the Bible in all its fullness or we are leaving those innocent kids in a very dark place. Especially in the churches that I have been a part of. Christians that are clean cut, plaid shirt wearing, blond, blue eyed, kids all shiny and clean, make me nervous. There is something very overdone in those people. Piety was never my cup of tea, but it is terrifying to me these days. If I am the strange one, then heaven help us all.
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