Voices in my head

Have you ever had a moment when you realize that every time you think of God you see one particular face, or hear God in one particular voice?  When I realize that is happening in my life, I am making a mental note to stop and think about why that is.  It is so easy to find yourself following a man instead of following God.  It is a subtle drift, then you realize that you have lost sight of your real savior and the result is a sickening terror.  Like when you are a child and you realize that the person you thought was your parent isn't and you are lost.

Sometimes the voice we are following is a good voice.  It might be a gifted pastor, a parent, a good friend, but it isn't God.  The person you are following may have no idea that this is happening, and might be mortified if they realized it.  It isn't them, it is me.  I have let someone become the voice in my head instead of making sure God is the only voice.  I have put the created before the creator.

This is one of the ways I get to crazy land.  People are flawed, even the good ones.  God gives us His word, His Spirit, and other people to keep us in check when we start to drift.  I think lately I have let myself go way too long, and it is going to take some time to sort out the truth from the not quite truth.  The truth is that I may have a lot of respect for someone, but I am not going to agree with everything they say or do.  The voice in my head currently has a very different view of grace than I do.  That view is not necessarily wrong, but it makes me feel crazy.  God has a different angle for me, and that is OK.  God has different jobs for different people, so if my job allows me to see something differently I need to trust God.  I need to step back and look for God working in my life.  I need to look back on my life and see the markers He has set for me so that I can get back on track.

It is so much easier to buy into a certain way of thinking.  We want a method that will insure that we are good.  We want to be able to measure ourselves and our performance.  We don't want to be tested and wonder how we did.  We don't like the feeling of walking by faith, especially when people around us start to question why we are doing things a certain way.  Ultimately we don't like messy, but God needs us to get messy so we can clean some things up.  He needs us to be willing to trust Him when He asks us to take risks.  I've been playing a game.  I know the rules of the game.  I know what is expected.  It would be really comfortable to just keep on keeping on, but I know that for me the result is trusting in me, not God.  God wants me to follow Him in things I don't get to control.  I have to trust Him.

I know in my head, and I need to let it sink into my heart that God is good.  His plans for me are to give me something even better than I am hoping for.  I know that my desires are tiny compared to the gifts that He has for me if I will trust Him.  Living large is terrifying.  God has dumped blessings on my head at times so heavy it has knocked me over.  I need to submit myself to that kind of possibility. Faith will drive out the crazy talk in my head.  Faith will make me feel totally out of control, but will bring me more than I can hold on to.  Jesu Juva.

When the Ride gets Bumpy

There will be days when you feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.  You will wake up one morning to the sunshine pouring in to greet you.  You will get up, have your cup of coffee and read your Bible.  All will seem right with the world.  You will get together with a friend and they will start telling you tales that make you wonder if you should pinch yourself.  You are listening and smiling and wondering if an alien has taken over your body, or your friends.  You may sit in a group of ladies and hear about a situation that you are familiar with, but what you are hearing sounds so absurd to you that you start to wonder if it is all a dream.  It's OK.  Life gets really weird sometimes.

I know I have written about this many times, but the same scene can look very different from different angles.  That's why instant replay is so popular.  Twelve different camera angles can make a play even more difficult to call, and in the end some well paid guy in a black and white shirt is still going to get death threats.  So it is with our lives.  A situation which I may think I see so clearly may look completely different to someone from the other side of town.  And usually it is not a fight that we actually have a dog in anyway.  We are hearing one person's perspective, or maybe one person's perspective of one person's perspective and really, who knows what actually happened.  Well, God knows.  He knows and He is not mocked.

What do we do when we are feeling whipped around and close to hurling?  We pray.  We find solace in the Word of God.  We remember that He is our shield and our sword.  His Word is the light to our path.  We remember that we are small and limited, and He is big and wild.  He is not finished with our story, if we are still sitting in the middle of it wondering what in the world is going on.  We must trust Him.  We must not put too much faith in men, no matter how wise or godly we believe them to be.  They are still men.  They see things from their angle.  They may have heard more of the story than we have and we may have to submit to decisions that we really don't agree with.  Keep praying.  Keep looking to God.  Moving to Nebraska or even Italy is not going to make the world seem less topsy turvy.  By the grace of God there are nuts in all countries and all times.  We get to live with the nuts in our own bowl.  I am a nut too, don't think I am looking down on nuts.  Read some good  books.  You will find that this story line is all too familiar.  Love your neighbor.  Don't start trashing your friend.  She sees what she sees, you see what you see, and praise God, He sees what is.

It is is all too easy to start attributing motives to people.  It is easy to let fear take hold, causing you to distrust everybody.  Don't get off the ride you are on, just to get on a bigger harder ride.  Run to your Father.  Cry out to Him.  Sing psalms.  Go for a bike ride with your kids.  Remember that God takes time.  He lets the wicked build their own gallows to hang themselves on.  He is long-suffering, and he calls us to join him in that.  Sometimes this story line will come back to you in waves.  You will think it was dealt with, and it will roll in years later.  Buckle up, look to the Lord and love the people around you.  I am so very grateful for people who see things I don't see.  I am grateful for answered prayers, and unanswered prayers.  I am grateful for hard times that cause us to cling to the Lord and to cling to one another.  Father forgive me for forgetting how frail I am and for not trusting you to protect the weak.

The Haunting Fear

I spend a lot of time laying in bed in breathtaking fear that I am ruining my children.  The knowledge that I have these little beings made in the image of God joyfully singing, eating, talking, playing, watching tv, eating, reading, building things, and eating some more, all under my watch is terrifying.  I am responsible for not only feeding them and keeping them clean and clothed, I am responsible for all of the education they get.  They learn way too much by watching me, listening to me, and following me around all day long.  Now that I am responsible to teach them everything it makes me kind of sick most of the time.

The thing that scares me the most is that they are so impressionable.  I am looking at them through the lens of my own weakness, shortcomings and sin.  They have so much potential.  Most of them are smarter than I am and more spiritually aware than I am.  I am painfully aware that I am not capable of giving them all that they need to be the people God created them to be.  I am afraid that I will limit them by trying to keep my life manageable.  Mostly I am afraid that I will steal their joy by living in my own constant fear of ruining their lives.  They don't understand my bizarre behavior because my burden is invisible to them.  I think they just think I am a crazy lady that had way too many children.  They love being in a large family, but they are not at all interested in managing one of their own.  That right there starts the fear talk chattering in my head.

A very wise women told me recently that I can't be a fantastic mom and housekeeper and a amazing teacher at the same time.  She has tried to take the middle ground in all spheres and be satisfied with that.  Now if I tried to compare my middle ground to her middle ground it would become pretty laughable.  Her oldest is in residency in some specialty I can't even spell, and she has done some incredibly intense parenting of children from hard places, on top of the fact that I have helped her clean her house before events a couple of times and am well aware that her regular cleaning schedule includes things I have never done at my house.  I love her dearly and appreciate her advice.  I hope God is as generous with my middle ground as he has been with hers.  We did both agree that technology has played a big part in wrecking a lot of great educational opportunities to get lost in some great books, and killed a lot of joy of parenting due to the amount of time it requires to monitor.  But alas, God has brought this wilderness to our lives to be conquered for his glory.

I have been wrestling all day with how to conquer this debilitating fear.  Prayer and faith are all that come to mind.  That and repentance, repentance, repentance and getting up and trying again to stop doing it my own self.  Keeping an eternal perspective helps, although if I start to look too far down the road that is when the fear gets really dark and scary.  Maybe just having enough faith to make today the best day that it can be, and letting God spoon feed me for a while in that way.  Most nights it just looks like a pathetic woman on her knees gasping for breath hoping that God will cover all the dumb things I did in front of my kids all day.  I wake up in the morning, chow down on God's word, ask my kids for forgiveness and assure them that God is a lot more gracious than I am.  I know that he is, he chose me, and I am less pathetic than I was when he covered me with his love. 

I am thankful for Costco, trees that turn into flower gardens in the spring, cloudscapes that make you want to pull over and sing, neighbors that keep me humble in a multitude of ways, children dancing, fun music, pretty dresses, the fellowship of moms that encourage one another not to give up, wind that bites my ears and makes me walk faster than I meant to, letters of intent for my daughters to run track I didn't believe that day would ever come, sisters having lunch together like grown ups.

Sundae's, Gifts, Educational Fun

I have not been faithful to my blog lately for a plethora of reasons.  I have a very short attention span and a house full of interruptions.  I have been struggling lately with an urge to rant about things that are beyond my control, and really, no one needs to read about that.  I don't have enough time to sit down and write anything worthwhile.  The downside of this is that life is speeding by, and I will forget what we have been doing if I don't stop and put something down  in writing.

Here is my week in review: 
We started a Sunday tradition of having a waffle breakfast after church, thank you Zasadney family for the brilliant idea.  On Sunday evening we have sundae's, thank you Hoffman family for the brilliant idea.  I have discovered that little traditions like this make my children happy, and are simple ways for me to bring in some fun, which is not something that I am naturally inclined to.

Monday I decided that I needed my Bible study group even if it meant my kids blew off school on Monday mornings.  Much to my surprise, all the children were up, with their beds made, and working on their school work when I returned.  I was very tempted to just stay out of the house all of the time and see if they became more diligent when I am absent.  I will not push my luck here, and will hope that this coming week goes as well.

Tuesday was fairly uneventful.  Chemistry lab went well, no explosions to date.  I even had a few extra little people which was actually quite nice.  They played with toys that hadn't been played with in a while, and I discovered that their little destructive habits are much less annoying when they only happen occasionally instead of every.single.day over and over.

Wednesday was a typical hump day.  We had a head cold enter into our realm which kept several of us subdued.

Thursday I made some Iraqi lamb dish for Karsten's geography class.  It smelled delicious, but took a chunk out of my morning that I hadn't planned out very well.  We had art in the afternoon which was a very, messy, good time.

Friday we did a little bit of reading and math in the morning followed by a field trip in the afternoon.  It all started as a trip to Scarywood with some friends from Spokane.  Most of our trips tend to grow in number of people and events and this was no exception.  I wanted to give my younger kids something fun and educational to do, so our friend Max, who works at KHQ in Spokane, gave us a tour of the station.  We got to watch the 5:00 news film, and Nes got to sit under the desk while they gave a live update.  You never know what might be sitting behind that desk besides a very composed journalist.  It will make for a good option the next time he plays "I never."  We went from there to Coeur d'Alene, where my friend Deaun made us all dinner.  We counted heads and it had grown to 30 people for dinner.  We were shockingly well behaved and didn't break anything.  From there 17 people went north to Scarywood, and 7 people went south to Moscow, and the rest went to bed.  This is another tradition in the making.  Scarywood in October and the bonus trip to Silverwood with our free tickets in May.

Saturday has been a day of cooking and cleaning and planning for the week ahead.  We have a few kids still in Coeur d'Alene, one extra kid here with us for a week, and the rest of the too live crew.

Things I learned this week that I don't want to forget:
Bite my tongue when I am tempted to criticise anyone for anything.  Think of a way to make my point in the positive.  No one likes to hear about everything they are doing wrong, and they will strive for more positive comments if I can get myself to make them.

Point out my children's God given gifts.  Sometimes it is obvious to me, but it isn't obvious to them.  They need to know what God has given them that He wants them to use to bless others.  They don't tend to think in those terms, but once they feel like they have a gift to bless with, they really want to share it.

As and older mom, I need to be more aware of what is happening with the younger moms.  It is very easy for me to get caught up in my own life and worries and forget that I can be very helpful to a younger mom with very little effort.  I need to be available to listen to things that they are concerned about and encourage them that this too shall pass.  I can offer to watch little ones pretty easily.  My older kids like to play with younger kids and that can be a huge blessing to someone else, and really to my family as well.  It is good for us to have toddlers in the house so we can appreciate how much energy they have.

Plan some fun things into each week.  The break in the routine is good for us all.  An afternoon covered in paint, or doing an obstacle course can really recharge some of my kids.  It also makes for some really fun memories.

No matter how well I think I have prepared for an art project, it will always be messy.  Don't get stressed out by paint on the table, and always wear something you don't care about getting splattered.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

I decided to embrace the digital age and let my technology work for me this Advent season.  I sent the troops out to the mall with their iDevices and a goal.  They were to take pictures of things they would like to find under the tree on Christmas morning.  I thought this would fun, and helpful.

I got this little beauty texted to me about an hour into our job.  Rick had the boys with him.  Apparently Soren spotted this (Rick insists that he was not actually shopping in this department, they were just passing through) and suggested that I might like this for Christmas.  While Rick was dutifully snapping a picture for our list, a good friend of mine walked by.  Karsten at this point was turning eight shades of Crimson, 'tis the season, right?  Rick quickly explained that this was Soren's gift idea, not his, necessarily.  She chuckled and headed on with her shopping.

Soren thought it would be lovely, and I would like it.  Thank goodness he is still in the stage where mom looks good in everything.  He did walk to the rear view and had second thoughts.  He pointed out that you could see through this side which might not be a good idea at the beach.  Rick realized that Soren thought this was swim wear, not under wear.  When he pointed out that this is meant to go under your clothes he began to see the world in a whole new light.

Discussing this whole scene at the dinner table was hilarious.  Karsten wanted nothing to do with this conversation.  He was out looking at ties, just for the record, not ladies intimates.  I found the whole affair completely funny, especially the part about my friend walking by.  My older girls where horrified.  Soren was still trying to make sense out of when and where this kind of thing is appropriate.  All the while I had scenes of National  Lampoon's Christmas Vacation running through my head.  Laughter is good medicine, so I thought I'd share the moment.

Working hard, getting nowhere

I should be folding laundry, but then again I should always be folding laundry.  Today I will let it wait.  My children are all occupied at school, finally, and this is a good thing.  A summer of hanging out, gets to be a bit much for all of us.  I have had several people ask me what I am going to do with all my time now that the kids are all at school.  Well, I am going to teach a couple of PE classes, help my daughter strengthen her reading skills, take a few turns at playground duty, keep the food coming at a regular pace, and try not to lose what's left of my memory.

My biggest brain teaser currently is how to get Martha up to speed in school.  There are several challenges in this realm, and it quite frankly is not my area of expertise.  God may be stretching me in new directions on this one, and I am extremely doubtful of my capability.  Yes, I could homeschool her, but with everyone else in school that presents several issues.  I could send her to a public school, but that also has its own set of issues.  I can continue to try to help her where she is and see what kind of progress we can make.  It is just very up in the air, in my head.  She is doing fine with her school schedule and her friends, and as long as she is making forward motion I'm not going to mess with it until I have a good solid alternative.  Indecision is one of my pet peeves, so this may seem like a silly thing, I get that.

The other personal issue I am wrestling with is my own set of unrealistic expectations.  While I can listen, smile and nod along with people telling me I can't do it all, for some reason I keep trying to do it all.  I want my house to be reasonably clean and organized.  I want to have dinner on the table with everyone smiling around it, telling me how wonderful it is.  I want my kids to be able to play sports.  I want to be able to help everyone with their homework.  I want to be able to do music lessons,  I want Madison to be able to work during the school year.  I want them all to get straight A's.  I want them all to go to college, marry beautiful people and live happily ever after, preferably within walking distance of me.  What?  Am I asking too much?

Somehow I find myself chasing rainbows.  They are so pretty after all.  I am trying very hard to remember that those rainbows are a gift from God.  I cannot work my way to grasping one.  I can drive, and plan, and sweat, and worry, but it won't get me all the things I want.  I did actually drop to my knees this morning and admit to God that I can't do it.  I know it, really I do.  I guess in the end all of my scurrying is just showing everyone that I don't trust God to do what He promises.  He promises to give us rest.  His expectations are actually pretty low, much lower than mine.  If I know this, why don't I let it come out my fingertips?  Honestly, I don't know.  Somehow there is a sick comfort in knowing that I worked my butt off.  All that busyness got me no where, but I was working the whole time :)

I'm hoping that if I tell myself this enough times it will sink in.  I may have to endure sweaty socks building up in the children's rooms.  I may have to live with pouty teenagers telling me that EVERYONE else gets to do all of this stuff.  I may have to live with B's, or the knowledge that some other mom had to do lunch duty.  God's yoke is light, mine is not.  When will I put mine down and take His up?

#996-1005

Lunch duty teachers

Phone calls from concerned family, I love you all!

Bearing one another's burdens

Lunch with friends

Hot August afternoons

After-school snacks

Children making music

Dog curled up at my feet

Moments alone

Completing lists, or at least making it to 1000 on a list that is never complete!