Internal struggles

I've been wrestling with friendships lately.  I know that I am very introverted and self protective.  I think I put myself out there, but then I realize that I haven't, it is all in my head.  In my head I am very vulnerable, but in action I think I am either non-expressive or intimidating.  I should have someone take a video sometime, but the thought of that is horrifying.

I really want to be authentic.  I want to be able to be humble and quick to listen.  I really want to be a better friend.  I think maybe I want that so much that I am chasing away the people I really want to draw in.  I am sure that is what I am doing with my kids and it breaks my heart.  Sometimes my reactions are laughable in their honesty and I suck at trying to mask what I think.  Meeting potential significant others is not for sissy's.  I seriously need to work on a pleasant demeanor while processing things in my head.

I'm not sure if I'm projecting my feelings on to other people or if I am completely misreading situations.  I feel like the harder I try to form friendships, the harder it is to do.  Then I think maybe I should just stop trying and just do my thing.  I just don't know what my thing is.  Life is so much easier when friends just drag me out of my little world (thanks Darin and LeeAnne).

Then, I live in this little community where a lot of people think they have all the right answers to almost everything.  At least, that is how it feels to me.  The longer I live as a Christian in this world the more I realize that God is bigger than I can comprehend.  I am small, broken, and very limited.  God is huge, gracious, good and wants me to be more than I can even hope for most of the time.  I really want to walk with God.  I know that He wants me to walk with Him and with people.  I know I don't have all the answers, not even a small percentage of the answers.  Most of the time I don't even understand the questions.  I have pretty much given up on trying to figure out my theology and turned my attention on how to live my life out of love for God and love for my neighbors.  This gets some really interesting responses.  Most of the time people assume I am doing things to get something from them or to manipulate them.  Which, being a student of human nature, is usually true of many people.  I know that it is hard to accept good gifts from people without having anything to give in return.  Giving freely is awesome, and it is really hard to receive.  I am learning a lot about where my flesh really doesn't want to do things God's way.  True freedom for example is really scary.  It brings incredible joy that is really hard to explain to others.  So many of God's truths are hard to comprehend unless you let go of fear and trust.  It's all very risky, we all have been hurt thousands of times by people, so trusting God is really hard.  Living in the faith that God is good, he provides good things for me, even when they don't feel good is both hard and rewarding.  Taking the easy looking path is so tempting, and I do take it regularly and pay for it every time.  I trust that the things I am wrestling with today are not impossible with God.  I know He is with me.  I know He is good.  I know He knows my heart and knows where I need to grow.  I choose faith in Him.  Having all the right answers felt so much safer but ultimately they didn't lead me to love others.  I loved the answers and I felt secure in them until someone I loved was hurt by them and they didn't give God enough space to be God.  Let's just say that learning humility is not comfortable but it brings incredible peace.  I am not a big deal, and a few people love me anyway.  That truth is awesome.

I am thankful for:
41.  pink clouds on the horizon
42.  a million safe road trips which are a gift
43.  hard conversations with teens
44.  kids who return to conversations after a few years of experience and admit that I was right
45.  opportunities for my kids to travel and experience life in other cultures
46.  friends who are in different places, physically and emotionally than I am
47.  the scent of evergreen trees
48.  stars
49.  nachos
50.  good books

Just Me

It's taken me 47 years to figure out that God made me this way for a reason.  This is not a Lady Gaga take on the world, I am fully aware that I have things that I need to work on.  I hope I will get better, not stuck in my selfishness.  What I am coming to terms with is that I am different than other people.  I have friends that I really admire and they have character traits that I would like to have more of, but I don't have to be just like them to glorify God.  He has made me unique and has good work for me to do.  My work is different than my friend's work most of the time.  There are times when we are working on the same thing, which is fun, but it isn't all the time.  The only person who I really need to be working with everyday is Rick.  That is an area that I need to grow in.  I'm called to make sure my path and his are going the same direction and are providing room for both of us to grow together.  Hopefully I will be working on that this year.

I spent a lot of years trying to look like some model family that I thought was doing everything right.  They may have been doing everything right for them, but it wasn't for me.  I have a good friend whose family is lovely and there are times I wonder if mine is completely messed up because we don't look like them.  Then I remember that she is doing what God has called her and her husband to, and Rick and I are called to something else.  We both are married and have many kids, but our kids have different interests.  Our husbands have different gifts and talents.  We have different strengths and weaknesses.  We have similarities too, which make for a lovely friendship, but I don't have to try to imitate her life.  I really wish I would have figured this out fifteen years ago.  It would have saved my family a lot of anxiety about how they should be behave.  Sanctification is slow and there are mistakes that we all will make along the way.  I trust God and his story telling ability.

There is a lot of peace in trusting God with our story.  I don't have to worry about what other people think about my family or decisions that we make.  I am part of a community of people who I care about.  It's not that I want to be in other people's faces with my life, quite the opposite.  I want to be the best we can be.  I need other people to ask questions so that I can talk through why we have done certain things.  That doesn't mean they have to do the same things we did, it just means that I know why I am doing what I am doing and if those reasons help someone else, great.  I don't worry anymore that my family doesn't measure up to some standard that is unrealistic or just not appropriate for who we are.  We are a quirky bunch of folks that are doing our best to walk with Jesus and bring some heaven on earth.  We get tripped up by our own selfishness.  We try to fix things that aren't ours to fix.  We try to help people that don't necessarily want our help.  We forget to check in on people that we should be trying to help.  We are very human.  I have had to let go of some crazy standards that I thought would make my kids better people.  They just made me an angry mom, and my kids insecure.  That doesn't mean those standards are flawed, but my use of them sure was.  I have great kids.  They do some dumb things sometimes, but not nearly as dumb as the things I did at their age.  They are funny.  They are sarcastic, which is something we definitely need to tone down if for no one else to keep Helen from blowing a brain cell.  I am very thankful that God gave me this ridiculous number of people.  I wanted a lot of children for some really dumb reasons, but God let me have them.  I am thankful for his faithfulness to them.  I need them to make me a better person.

What I need to do with this is to remember that those behind me on the road need encouragement, not eye rolling.  They need me to be honest.  They need to know that we all are working on our flaws and that they are doing great given what they have to work with.  I need to remember that I need people farther down the road to encourage me.  I need their perspective other wise I think life is either hopeless or that I have it all figured out.  I need a community around me that is honest with me, and will love me flaws and all.  I need them to remind me that God has things for me to do, so get up out of my head and start doing them.  Left to myself I would go to the gym early, come home and read all day, interrupting myself only to make food.  I'd be totally cool only interacting with the people who live here, and I would love it if some of them would like to start  their own households.  I need to push myself to walk with other people.  I love it when I do, but it takes a lot of energy for me to seek out people.  This is why I get involved in the activities my kids are participating in.  There is a built in motivation to be there, which is what I need.

Today I am thankful that all my kids are alive and well.  K-man fell asleep driving home from a training weekend in Boise.  I think it scared us both terribly and also made us incredibly thankful that God has him in his hand always.  Saturday was not his day, he still has more to do.  I am thankful for all my kids doing well in their respective school situations.  We have struggled to find a happy place for our kids educationally, so having a smooth year is pretty great.  I am thankful for a sunny day if only for a few hours.  I am thankful for a gym partner who makes me laugh.  I need exercise and I need laughter.  I am thankful for dinner with friends who know me well enough to say "hey, we need to eat together!"  They knew that they didn't need to clean for me, or I for them.  We were all cool with simple food and good conversation.  I am thankful for a restful Sunday and a sweet friend with a quiet home to watch good movies with.  Life is truly good.

The Joys of Budgets

Interesting side note: since my post on safety, my dear son who is currently in China, sent me a video of him bungee jumping.  He survived, praise Jesus!

I hate budgeting.  That is probably a terrible attitude coming from the mother of 9, but it is true.  I have many, many, many times written out a budget for my finances.  It almost always makes me go into a several day depression/moody beyond all reason season which makes it wholly not worth it.  My experience has been that God always provides.  If I write out my budget, it makes no sense and any reasonable person would conclude that we are headed for bankruptcy at any moment.  Somehow we always have enough.  No matter what our budget has been, or how many people we have budgeted for.  Our needs are met in strange and wonderful ways which have been monuments of my faith since I gave my life to Christ.  It looks crazy on paper and Dave Ramsey would have a cow, but it works for me so I'm going with it.  That being true, I am learning that awareness of limits and bad habits is a very healthy thing.

I started going to the gym sometime in November.  I don't exactly know why the sudden push, but Rick and I harassed my friend Keely until she agreed to go with me (I think she is thankful for this, but maybe not).  Two things I know about me and working out: 1. I need someone there to make me feel obligated to go.  2. Once I establish a routine I will love it.  I made it through the holiday season and established enough of a routine that I was starting to feel the love.  I decided that I should probably start keeping a food journal to see where my eating was out of whack.  I stumbled on an app called Lose it.  I wasn't necessarily trying to lose weight.  I tend to be a scale scoffer, just feel good in your body, skip the scale, it's a hater.  But when I put in my profile information and it said I needed to lose 16 pounds I was shocked.  Then I had a flash back to the moment I was sitting in the salon in front of the full length mirror thinking, "whoa, that mirror makes me look huge."  It was clearly a defective mirror, or maybe my denial was getting the best of me.  I compromised.  Losing 10 pounds certainly couldn't hurt.  So I started living with a calorie budget.  My kids really appreciate it when I point out that their birthday cake is 640 calories per slice, or one half of their daily calorie need.  Happy running girls!  It hasn't been a joy ride, but I can say that I learned a lot about where I can shave off unneeded calories in my day.  I know what my limits are and I can make a reasoned choice if I want dessert, wine, or a full entree.  I also know how many minutes of spinning I need to do to make up for that three minute taste of glory.  It definitely affects how I think about meals.

It's interesting to me how much my budgets overlap.  Dutch Bros does not help my calorie budget or my financial budget.  Easy choice there, sorry Dutch Bros, Diet Coke is cheaper.  (Don't gag, I have a nutrition degree I realized Diet Coke has it's own issues but I get to choose).  When I am standing at the counter with my Lose It app open trying to decide what to order my family rolls their eyes.  I don't care, this is what wise decision making looks like right now.  God is kind and is showing me where my idols are tripping me up in my accounting systems.  It truly is a heart issue.  Prayer costs me nothing, doesn't add weight to my body and frees me in so many ways.  God is all I need.  He has provided abundantly for me.  He has provided enough for me to be generous if I will stop exceeding the limits he has set.  I really just need to change my view of budgeting.  Instead of making it a rigid system that binds me, I need to see it as healthy limits that free me.  I need to be aware of where I am splurging consistently and selfishly.  I need to put in more in places that maybe I don't want to, but I know that there are needs there.  Vegetables aren't all bad, really!  I guess even this old dog can learn some new tricks.

I am thankful for:

Bungee jumping kids, and their friends who video it.
Dr. Pickard's pool partys.
Roses blooming in my back yard.
Quiet mornings to read and write.
21 Pilots concerts that give my children a reason to live, no issues there.
Logos School.
Moscow Charter School.
Moscow High School.
High calorie birthday cakes, that I can cut into at least 50 pieces.

The Death of Safety

"We want autonomy for ourselves and safety for the ones we love." ~ Karen Wilson

I ran across this quote while I was reading Being Mortal by Atul Gawande.  It was in application to our aging population, but I find it working just as well with my teenage kids.  It is very humorous when it works in both at the same time.  My mom lives in a condo on the Washington coast.  We used to visit her on the fourth of July.  She wouldn't let us go out to the beach to watch the fireworks because it was too dangerous.  My thirty something self found this ridiculous, but I grudgingly kept her rules.  I was talking with her last week about the pros and cons of living at the beach at this stage in her life.  She has three flights of stairs to negotiate which is "dangerous".  She very proudly informed me that the stairs are getting easier and that she thinks they are helping her stay in shape.  You know, she has a point.  Yes, she could trip and fall down the stairs anytime, so could I.  If she wants to live at the beach with stairs and that makes her feel like she is living life to the fullest, who am I to tell her it isn't safe?

It has come home to me in many different ways lately that safety sucks the life out of us.  I don't know how many times my kids have gone to stay with friends and then texted pictures of themselves jumping off of rocks, white water rafting, climbing cliffs, skiing the trees, surfing, and a million other things that I probably wouldn't have been excited about letting them do.  They did it.  They loved it.  They lived to take cool pictures to show me.  It makes them feel alive.  They would be "safer" sitting on the couch at home, but what kind of life is that?  No one wants to be safe all the time.  How many times do you see parents riding bikes without helmets, but all their kids have them on?  We don't want to be safe, we want the wind blowing through our hair.  My dad and I frequently have the discussion about when I crash and hit my head and become a vegetable...  The thing is, I am ready to go home anytime.  I might crash, but if I have my helmet on I'm more likely to be a vegetable.  If I don't I just might die, and really I'm OK with that.  It's a risk we all take every day when we get out of bed.  Accidents happen all the time, illness happens all the time, life happens all the time.  Those of us that are willing to take risks seem to enjoy life more, and fear death less.  We know that death is always a possible outcome, but so is life.  Even a compromised life can be used for God's glory.  I have seen that happen too.

I fight my momma bear instinct everyday with my kids, and now with my parents.  I want to feel better thinking they are safe, instead of letting them live fully.  I want to keep them home, when I need to let them go.  I want to wrap them in bubble wrap and sunscreen, when I need to let the wind blow their bare skin.  I need to let them choose the amount of risk they are willing to take.  I need to let my dad cross country ski at mid-night on New Year's Eve.  I need to let my mom live in her condo at the beach.  I need to let my father-in-law stay in his home.  I need to let my kids go to concerts, jump off rocks, travel the world, ski where it's legal, sled in the street, and a million other things they will dream up.  I need to trust God with all of their living.  We did watch the fireworks from the beach one year when mom was out of town.  The view was spectacular!  Next year I will remind her of this and if she gives me any back chat I will remind her that she lives their alone most of the year, she needs to let us live dangerously sometimes too.

I am thankful for:

Roses blooming in my back yard
Kids who are homesick
Summer sunsets
Quiet mornings
Helen waking up early
Kids who have more jobs than they have time for
4H projects
Hot showers

Don't Fix!

I have a terrible habit of knowing what everyone else should do, and letting them know it.  If you're reading this you aren't surprised, because I am sure I have done it to you.  I have years of experience, and I have read a lot, and I'm just pretty smart that way.  You should appreciate my very efficient and helpful advice which is saving you from years of time wasted on bad ideas.  I can't quite figure out my own stuff, because I'm too close, and you don't get it, because you aren't me.  Welcome to crazy land.  How's it working for me?  Not well.

I may have to tattoo "Don't fix!" on the back of my hand so that I keep from living in crazy land.  Right underneath that should be, "You can't make them stop doing what you do in front of them every day."  Yep, I always know the right answer, I just don't do it, because...well, it's no fun.  Usually the right thing to do requires giving up what I want to do, or not eating something I want to eat, or running, or listening to someone when I want to take a nap, or ya, laying down my pleasures for someone else.  Love God, love my neighbor ends up looking like telling my neighbor to lay down their life for someone else.  High five me, on to that nap.

Real life should look like me, not looking at me so much.  I have plenty of people who would love to have my full attention for even a few minutes a day.  Why did God give me so many children?  I'm pretty sure part of it was so that my desire to be really impressive for God would be laughingly unimpressive and He could show His glory in my undeniable weakness.  There is no way to look hip, slick and cool with 9 children in tow.  Especially if they have Instagram and Snapchat and are more than happy to tell you what a nuthouse they live in.  The other reason was so that I would have no reason to ask, "who is my neighbor?"  Love that person who is standing in front of you saying, "mom, mom, mom."  If that isn't enough, they will bring over their friends.  I guess I need the practice of loving the people in front of me well.  And I will tell you, that I don't.  I keep trying to fix them too.  I know what they are good at, what their inclinations are, what situations they thrive in, I could be an awesome career counselor, dating guru, teacher, if they would only listen to and do what I tell them.  Shockingly, they snort at my awesome advice, and choose their own way.  They make their own decisions!  Yep, half of them are grown up.  Now where do I look?

On my healthier days, I look up.  I get down on my knees and thank God, he knew much better than I did what I needed.  If I could go back I would do a lot of things differently, and I don't get to.  I needed to learn a lot of lessons the hard way.  I had to lose some friends to realize how important good friendships are.  I had to create a lot of chaos in my life before I was willing to follow God's way.  I did take some good advice and I am very thankful for the rare occasion when I just trusted and didn't try the stupid thing.  I know God's hand was in that too.  As an older, and hopefully getting wiser woman, I am learning that listening is an important skill.  Assuming I know nothing and just waiting things out, can bring profound results.  God takes more time to work things through than I am generally comfortable with.  Trusting in God's ability to tell a great story, even if I don't get to see it all resolved is a faith building concept.  I like the half hour sitcom approach, but God is much more of an epic novel guy.  Remembering that I am small, and I see so little of the world around me is a good thing to keep in the front of my mind.  My fix, is quite possibly a recipe for disaster.  Listen, remember God, help others to see outside of themselves, assure others that I am for them whatever comes in our path.  It is hard to walk the path that is unknown.  Abraham did, which is why he is our father.  I've read the story.  I need to live it.

Running in Faith

I love my little Bible study group!  Love it!  We have been plowing through Hebrews this year, which oddly is the text our last Sermon series was on too.  Coincidence? I think not.  I'm trying to keep my eyes of faith peeled, for what God is doing with all of this awesome teaching.

The pattern of faith we picked up in studying Hebrews, is that we start off walking with God.  Somehow, somewhere we realize we are walking along with our Father, who gives us a race to run.  For me that was in 1990 in an attorney's office.  Weird, I know, but God can find you anywhere.  We all hit struggles as we run this race.  Sometimes the struggles are results of decisions we made or didn't make.  Sometimes struggles just seem to drop out of nowhere.  When we run the race well, we look through these struggles with eyes of faith at our savior.  He came to Earth and struggled too.  We look to Him to see how to endure this struggle.  If we are still running well we obey.  We may not know what we are getting into, but we trust and we do.  If we are faithful still, we thank God.  We thank Him that we are still in the race and that He never lets us run alone.  I have had some hard times being thankful for ugly things, but believe me, it can be done.

Of course we don't always run well.  Hebrews doesn't give us examples of guys who ran every race without a major face plant.  The interesting thing about the cloud of witnesses they give examples of, is that they were a nutty bunch of characters.  They tried some short cuts.  They tripped up at key moments.  They finished with not a whole lot left at the finish line.  Just like us!  Those guys are now in the stands cheering us on.  As a track mom, I can tell you that you see a little extra kick in the home stretch when the crowd gets going.  We have that!  The crowd is there when I want to give it up and do something easier.  They know how I feel.  If I can hear those cheers with my ears of faith, I can pick up the pace or at least finish the lap.

At this moment, in my race things are pretty comfortable.  I need to lean into picking up knees and pushing myself a little harder.  I definitely need to be looking around the course to see who needs some encouragement.  I know my daughter needs me to keep telling her she can do this.  Duncan needs us screaming in his ear, that he can take one more step.  My college kids need to take the hill, not knowing what is going to come after that.  My high schoolers need to keep up the pace and not get distracted.  There are lots of things that can trip them up right now, and I need to shout out some warnings.  I have lots of friends who are carrying heavy loads.  I need to get alongside and help for a stretch.  I know I will hit a wall before I know it, and I will be the one needing the encouragement.

I think the hardest thing for me, is to keep my eyes on Jesus.  I am so, easily, distracted.  Facebook, laundry, people's needs, politics, constant food needs, can keep me looking at my feet.  I need to run like Jesus is in front of me and no one else matters.  Whatever hill he tells me to climb, I need to go.  My life needs to be about him, and what he gives me.  My big stumbling blocks, are pride and distraction.  I think I have this, and I can do it all by myself.  It's a lie.  I need people.  I need my husband, my pastor, my friends, my mom, and everyone else that God can pack the stadium with.  Or I get so distracted by the crowd I forget I need to be running.  There is a reason I am here, what is that again?

Obviously the book of Hebrews is about Jesus.  How do I follow Him when there is so much suffering all around me?  I study His word.  I pray.  I stay tight and present with friends who encourage me.  I praise God and thank Him for every single day.  I look to Him when I realize that my run is getting too hard, or seems to be going nowhere.  I remember that the crowd cheering me on, is full of interesting characters, so they aren't going to boo me when I'm off.  Life is hard.  God is good.  I am thankful for another day on the race course.

Free Will and kids

I read recently that God is a respecter of free will.  That brought me up short, and continues to sort of blow my mind.  Allowing us to have free will was so important to Him, that He gave us the capacity to ruin His perfect creation.  He wants us to do what is right because we choose His will over our own.  That is the graduate school of life right there.  Simple, straight forward and oh so hard in the moment.

It's one thing for me to wrestle with that in my relationship with God, but entirely another when I apply it to my relationship with my kids.  Am I a respecter of free will with my kids?  I really don't want to be.  I want them to let me make the right decisions for them.  I want to save them the wasted time and resources that come from making foolish decisions.  They know their Bibles too well, and I have taught them to see God in the stories lived out around them.  They know God can redeem terrible situations, and that it brings Him glory.  Do I trust Him?

I have spent the last several years living with a lot of rules.  A lot of you may not until you are 18 kind of rules.  As if at 18 they will suddenly have the wisdom and self control to make all the right choices.  Actually it just buys me some time, and then I can shrug and say they were 18 what was I to do?  I am to teach them what is right and what is wrong and what is a suit yourself category.  I am to tell them the stories of what God has done in the world, and what He has done in my life.  I am to love them and live out godliness before them.  And to be honest, I stink at that.  I want to control them which is not godly. I want to look good and wise and sweet and I am not.  Fortunately God has been extremely kind and allowed my experience to be a good teacher.  As we have allowed our kids more freedom to make friends outside of our school and church circles I have been able to talk them through scenarios that come up.  Funny how they are always surprised that I know how things are going to go down.  There is nothing new under the sun kids, except the Internet that allows the same gossip to fly further faster.  I have to trust that God is with my kids.

I know He is.  I know.  But when I see them post thing,s there are times my stomach turns and know I am heading up the roller coaster.  I know I need to let them figure it out and that if I say anything it will only make it worse.  When friends pick them up on the weekend I know that I may get a call that I don't want to get, but I need to let them go.  I am very, very thankful that so far they have trusted me enough to avoid the big scrapes, and realized that I had kept them out of a big mess.  They keep themselves busy with good things, like home work and jobs which minimizes opportunities to get into hot water.  This is a good life lesson.  Too much time on your hands is never good.  God gave me nine children to keep me out of trouble.  Respecting their free will is not really an option.  I can shape their will only so much, and then they have to practice using it.  Different kids have different personalities and test it in different ways.  We also have the blessing of lots of people around to learn from.  Older siblings are great guides, and mentors.  God is good.  Parenting gives me a stomach ache on many days, but I know that we are still very early in the story.  We have a lot more lessons to learn together.

I am grateful in many ways for the strange story of my life.  I am far from perfect.  I did learn some things about life that have been very helpful.  I can warn my kids of danger up ahead.  They may not slow down for every curve, and I need to trust God in all of it.  He gave them free will, He gave me free will, He loves them more than I do.  They are in His hand for better or for worse and my prayer is that they will give Him all the glory for how the story unfolds.  I want them to choose God because they know that He is, and that He loved them first.  They have to learn that for themselves, just like I did.  I want their faith to be real and solid, and that takes testing.  God gave us an incredible gift and grace enough to let us try it out.  Lord I pray that I will trust you to do for them what you did for me.

Oh yeah, Joy

I've been torn about blogging lately.  On the one hand writing out what is swirling in my head is extremely helpful to me.  It helps me to put things in order and throw away the junk.  On the other hand the swirling in my head involves other people at times and blogging is public.  I do journal, which is also helpful, but not quite the same.  I'm getting to a place where I need to sort things out thoughtfully and respectfully and honestly.  I need to leave some things in God's hands and do what I need to do for me.

I was searching for joy in my life a few months ago, before I was blindsided by a blast from the past.  It has sucked a lot of joy out of my life, but also revealed some of the reasons I was having such a hard time finding joy in the first place.  My first taste of true joy was when Jesus finally got my attention and I began to see that there were other ways to live my life.  It was simple joy, like when you first meet someone you think you might love and just being near them is joyful.  Life keeps moving along however and you need to learn to do things together and apart while keeping joy and getting to know one another better.  You change and grow and things can get confusing at times.  There are days when you need to mentally go back to the beginning of the relationship and remind yourself why you fell in love with this person in the first place.  Hard times come, always, and I learn more about how faithful Jesus, my true friends, my husband and my family are in my life.  These times help me to learn the deep lessons of life.  I need to write these things down lest I forget and lose my way.

I am discovering that the people that I can be authentic with are the people that I love.  The kind of love that hits hard times and gets stronger.  They are the people who don't judge me in the middle of a rant because they know this is a weak moment and it will pass.  They know I won't judge them in their weak moments either.  The people that can't take me in all my broken glory aren't my people.  I can still love them and serve them, but they aren't the ones that I will look to when I need help getting out of crazy land.  I spend time in crazy land every now and then and I need others to help me get out.  If this makes you queezy you probably aren't one of the ones I will look to.  If this makes you smile, you know who you are and I am very thankful for you.  There are lovely people in the world who do not get me, and I am completely okay with that.  Don't feel bad about it, I can probably recommend some other people for you to hang out with.  We all need a squad and not everyone can be on our squad, but Jesus can be on all of our squads, which is awesome!  He is much bigger than all of us and our limitations.

I need to thank a whole lot of people who have been praying for me.  You have made meals for my family, taken my kids out to do fun things, made amazing videos for me, brought me Strarbucks mugs from beautiful places, prayed for me faithfully, sent me encouraging texts, laughed with me, listened patiently to my crazy ranting, hugged me awkwardly in public, a thousand little everyday acts of love that keep me from sinking.  These are the things that bring joy into my life.  Sometimes it is joy with tears, but it is truly joy. 

The things that make me feel crazy I need to let go of.  Those seem to be things that I have let other people tell me I need to be or do that aren't true.  When I feel like I need to be someone that I am not, or I need to hide some part of me to make this person accept me, I need to let that relationship go.  Sometimes those people are in positions that I feel like I can't get away from, which makes life really complicated, but I think God will give me a way out of them.  I am realizing that those are good indicators that I need to really seek where God wants me to be.  Does he want me to get out of the situations which bring me under people who don't get people like me, or do I need to draw closer to Him and learn to do the hard work of being who I am and making them uncomfortable?  I know God is big enough for the variety He has created.  He has battles for me to fight, and battles for me to walk away from.  I need to seek Him and His wisdom for me.

Life is beautifully complicated.  People are wonderfully flawed.  Sometimes the crazy people have a lot of wisdom to share.  Sometimes the sane people need to lighten up.  Find the people who you can be real with.  If you can't be real, it isn't a healthy relationship.  If it isolates you and makes you angry, it definitely needs to be gotten away from.  We all need love.  We all need people.  We all need to practice grace with those who we don't necessarily agree with.  Seek joy in Jesus, in people, in rainy days, it is there.

His Strength, My Weakness

Hi, my name is Signe and I am powerless over: sunrises, food, sleep, children, my husband, my neighbors, my weight, my emotions, pretty much you name it and fill it in.  I have known that for many years, although anytime that God allows something great to come my way I do let myself think that I might just be getting somewhere.  I am even powerless over all the good things in my life.  I didn't earn them.  I didn't work so hard, I didn't perfect any skills, I didn't do anything good on my own.  It is all God.

I'm one of those people who spends a lot of time wondering if I am really one of God's children.  I know that there are people out there that don't get this at all, and I am happy for you!  If this is not your struggle then you can either read this as a curious peek into other people's freakish issues, or not waste your time and read someone else's blog.  I know that God created the universe, I don't doubt that at all.  I do doubt that He has filled me with His Holy Spirit.  Here is my problem:  If I am filled with the Holy Spirit why do I do dumb things, fear dumb things, hang onto dumb things, say dumb things, spend a lot of time with dumb things?  Why am I not free from all this dumbness?

I live in a broken world.  It is being worked on, but it's still broken.  Children still go missing.  Husbands leave their families.  Pastors abuse their flocks.  Presidents abuse their people.  Christians abuse each other.  We are all hoping in a future where every tear is wiped away, but we are usually looking for it through tears.  I struggle with that.  Is the great glory that we can't see worth all of this abuse, forgiveness, pain, loss, grief, repentance, denying oneself?

What evidence do I have that there is joy set before me?  What strength is being shown through weakness all around me?  I could get very personal because I live among some amazing saints.  They don't look like the saints you see in books.  They are very ordinary looking people.  What I have discovered is that there is great power in their stories.  They are people who have lost things.  They may have very broken lives, but God has mended them in incredible ways.  They aren't my stories to tell, but I keep hoping some of them will become books.  I have discovered that the most powerful thing I have is my story.  God is the author of my story, and He gets all the glory for how it rolls out.  I have found that when I was searching for the right answers, and the right way to do things I became miserable.  All my answers to life's questions didn't solve anyone's problems or even make them want to be around me.  When I am willing to be weak, to sit with someone else who is weak and to put all our hope in God, then I am getting somewhere.  I have found joy in being with others.  Being with them in good things, like weddings, and births, and parties as well as the hard things, like funerals, or deep disappointments, or broken relationships.  There is great joy in not being alone.  That is what I am hoping for.  My eternal life is to be in the presence of my Father and my savior and to enjoy them forever.

I know this.  I can write this down and seems to make reasonable sense.  But then the phone rings, or I check Facebook and I get hit in the face with more brokenness I flinch, I feel too small.  I watch my kids dive head first into very shallow pools and try to be God for a moment.  He is their father too.  They are also broken.  I have caused some of their dings and scratches.  God will show His strength in their weakness as well, and so this broken world will keep turning.  The sun will keep it's steady pace from horizon to horizon until well after my children bury me in the ground.  I am powerless to save them.  That is really really hard for any Christian mom to say.  We all want to believe that if we train them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, they will be good little Christians and make us proud!  Proverbs 22:6 says Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.  There will be a lot of bumps in the way from child to being old.  There will be many ways for God to reveal Himself to us.  That is what this life is all about getting to know who God is and how we relate to Him.  I have to let other people into my children's lives.  These people are made in God's image too.  Some of them will hurt my kids.  God will be there.  He will walk with them, and He will heal them.

Life is hard.  I am weak.  I can't save myself or my children.  I trust in God.  I tried to live life without  Him and it was unbearable.  He rescued me from me.  Life is still hard, but I have someone who understands.  He is always with me.  He is so much bigger than I am that I can hide myself in Him.  He knows I'm broken and He fixes me so that I can tell others about Him and they can be fixed.  My hope is that one day the sun will rise and never set.  He will be the sun and I will always be in His presence.  Everything will be made right.  Until then I see Him in others.  I see Him in children who trust in all things.  I see Him in friends who endure incredible loss and can laugh through their tears.  I see Him in weddings when the bride and groom dance together.  I see Him in homes when wives help husbands eat because they can't feed themselves anymore.  I see Him in friends who love me when I tell them what an awful fit I pitched in front of my kids that morning and how imperfect my apology was, and they smile and nod and say, "me too."  My hope is that someday we will all be set free from our anger and fear and grief and we will be beautiful and full of joy and will stand together before our Father.  I do see glimpses of that here and it gives me the strength to go on.

Kids

I have known intellectually for some time that how my children "turn out" has a lot less to do with my parenting skills and a lot more to do with the way God made them than I would like to believe. (Unless it is the disciplined kid that everyone likes, I nailed that one!)  I can see that the tendencies they had as toddlers are pretty much still their tendencies as adults, they have just learned some skills to make them functional in society.  I had a mom ask me one time how much time I spent doing homework with one of my kids, who is just naturally very bright.  It took me a minute to understand her question, because I wasn't particularly bright at the moment, and then I responded that she did all that at school.    Some of my kids have always brought a lot of work home from school and some don't bring any, and neither of those situations had anything to do with good students vs. bad students.  I have kids who get good grades through hours of hard work, and kids who get good grades while getting all their work done at school, and kids that do hours of hard work and get mediocre grades, and the ones I help are not the ones that get great grades.  I have been blessed with a larger sampling size than many parents, so I can say from experience that every kid is different, and parenting each of them is a challenge.  Sometimes I think parents take way too much credit for their amazing kids.

I have one child that blows my socks off over and over.  He is the sweetest, most tender  hearted, athletic, gentle, diligent, and kind person I have ever met.  He was born in Africa to a very poor mother who was HIV+.  He doesn't know who his dad is, his mother never talked about him.  He was raised by Catholic nuns in an orphanage in Addis Abbaba until he was almost four.  Not the most auspicious start in life, but this kid is the one I wish I could take credit for.  He is the only one in my house that would share his chocolate if he was the one that was given two when everyone else got one.  You wouldn't have to prompt him, or point it out, he would do it automatically.

Today I was editing his paper for third grade and it made me cry.  He was writing about the four people he would really like to meet.  He wants to meet Jesus, George Washington, Marshawn Lynch, and his Ethiopia dad.  He wants to meet these men, and worship with them.  What?  Who is this kid?  I promise you folks any goodness in him has nothing to do with me.  He blesses me more and more everyday.  He loves his heritage and is looking forward to Africa night coming up at UofI.  He aches for his father that he has never met.  He wants to know why he left him and he wants to know if he looks like him.  I think he looks like his mom, but that doesn't help him.  I had no idea he is a Marshawn Lynch fan, but he recognized that he is fast and strong, and followed his dreams.  I pray that God fulfills Nes's dream of being a missionary to Africa with his big brother Karsten.  I know God has big plans for these two.  I'm lucky to be their mom.

Some of my kids are more challenging.  They have their own special gifts, but sometimes you have to really look for them.  It can be really hard in a big family not to compare yourself or your kids to their siblings.  I keep trying to remind the ones that God has given very obvious talents not to take too much credit for those, as they are gifts.  They need to share them with their siblings and friends, not flaunt them.  Sometimes our gifts aren't obvious to everyone else, and it is easy to think they are less important.  It is important for me to recognize those and encourage my kids to be thankful for what they have been given.  Some kids have incredible gifts that they don't use.  Madie gets so mad at Bronwyn because she is naturally faster than she is, but it takes Bronwyn the whole season to beat Madie because she doesn't work at it until she has to.  Madie's hard work is paying off now that she is at college and I am very glad to see her keeping focused and seeing results.

All of my kids are going to grow up and fly whether I am paying attention or not.  Some of them are destined for great things in spite of my lameness.  Others will need encouragement often, always, and I am glad to give it.  Mostly I am thankful to have had the opportunity to watch them grow.  They are a lot of fun and they challenge me to grow as well.  They are the fruit of much of my labor even if the kind of fruit is all determined by their father in Heaven.  They keep me humble and delighted all at the same time.  It's safe to say I am not nailing this parenting thing, but God is kind and He loves His kids and has good things for them.  I can't wait to be the grandparent that gets to spoil their kids and send them back home.  That will be the real reward.

Go Team!

I was a cheerleader in high school, don't judge, it has given me some skills that every mom needs.  Yes, the uniforms were questionable, but that also gives me some credit in the life experience department when I tell the girls to go back and change their clothes.  Ironically my dad stumbled upon a bag of my old uniforms and pom poms this weekend which was worth an hour or so of entertainment for the kids.  What valuable skills did standing on the sidelines of a football field shouting out encouragement to a bunch of sweaty guys give me you ask?  Well, it taught me to smile even when you are getting the stuffing kicked out of your team.  It also taught me that those guys need some kind words and a hug at the end of a long game.  They worked hard for some of those losses and what they achieved didn't feel very good at the time.

Sometimes being the mom means you have to watch your kids struggle with things that they are not that great at.  You have to look for the positives and try to capitalize on those.  You know you aren't going to win the game, but you have to look farther ahead and keep your kids from giving up.  You have to try to figure out what motivates them so that they will keep moving forward.  Sometimes you get an easy child that just wants cookies, and sometimes you get a shrewd child that shakes you down for things you were sure were out of the question.  These are also life skills that you should write down, they may be their biggest assets later in life.  I have one freakish child that is motivated by physical labor.  We managed to get him to brush his teeth every day by having the dentist offer to let him come work on his farm if he was consistent with his brushing between visits.  It is always good to have dentist who is willing to be creative, and owns a tractor.

One of the big challenges is when the child is internally motivated.  There isn't a whole lot you can do from the sidelines when a child just doesn't care about getting extra dessert, or losing t.v. time.  I have one child that is convinced that I set the standard for them, and they kick against it, but the reality is that they set their own standard.  I have tried to point it out to them, but they prefer to blame me for most things.  It's okay, it is part of the mom job to take the blame for most of the disappointments in life.  I am fairly certain that they will come to a point when the blinders come off and they see that the one they are fighting is really themselves.  I pray a lot for my internally motivated children, because I know that ultimately it is the Lord that will turn their hearts.  All I can do is turn them back to Him, and be willing to be the fall guy when they need one.  So far God has been abundantly gracious in this area and has given them the drive to work hard.  More often than not, they drive themselves harder than they need to and I need to encourage them to be reasonable.

Knowing how to motivate your kids takes a lot studying.  You have to pay attention to what makes your child perk up, and what makes them flop on the ground and wail.  Yesterday our two youngest children started soccer with the city parks and rec league.  One of them put on their soccer gear the minute we got home from school, finished all their homework and sat on the porch counting the minutes until we needed to go.  The other one refused to get out of their uniform, refused to eat, refused to study anything and burst into tears at the mention of time to go.  This caught me off guard and it took me a minute to figure out what in the world was going on.  Then I remembered that new things are not always met with enthusiasm in the Schumaker household.  I sat the emotional mess down and looked her in the eye and convinced her that this was going to be fun, and that no one out there was an expert in soccer.  The kid in the back bouncing up and down and asking if it was okay for him to slide tackle was no help at all.  Sometimes you need to use two opposite tactics simultaneously hoping that the kids don't catch on.  No two children are ever the same, so if you think you have it all figured out, don't get another player on the team.

Personally, I'm internally motivated so I get the challenges that I am up against.  I also get that if I'm not motivated I better channel some of Karsten's energy or we are all sunk.  I try to remember the fundamentals.  I need solid sleep, to get outside, exercise always boosts my spirits, and a nap is lovely whenever possible.  When in doubt, the prayer for help is usually quickly answered.  My motivation is to glorify God and to point everything back to Him.  I know I can't blame my mom anymore, none of my bad behavior was every her fault.  I'm not perfect, I'm often ill suited for the task at hand, but in all things the job I have I have from God and He will equip me with what I need.  I may lose the game in a big way, but I will have learned how to lose and still love to play.  I will have learned that sometimes the other team is bigger and more talented, but sometimes their not.  You win some and you lose some, blessed be the name of the Lord.  In all things look for the things you can be thankful for, because really those are what we often choose not to see.  Being thankful for little everyday miracles can be incredibly motivating.  Here are some of today's:

-ladies to pray with
-kids that got up early and helped other kids with schoolwork
-breakfast
-a beautiful sunrise
-pumpkins in the garden
-chrysanthemums blooming in the back yard
-Ferdinand purring on the couch
-a few quiet moments to write

I Will Trust Him

"Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him."  Job 13:15

Can I stand in that day?  When my darkest fears become my reality, will I trust God?  Will I stand in my misery and pain and say, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord?"  I hope that I will.  God has stood with me in my misery in the past, and I have every reason to believe that He will be right next to me in the future.

I need to remind myself that in the thunderstorms of my life I clung to the word.  I prayed without ceasing because I found it hard to breathe without it.  I clung to good friends who were willing to sit with me and be quiet.  I sat on the beach and remembered how very small I am and how very big God is.  I was thankful for thousands of little things that I had not thought to be thankful for before.  When I was angry, I walked and I prayed.  When I felt alone, I prayed some more and hugged my kids.  I discovered who my core group of friends were and promised to keep them close.  I remembered how much God had forgiven me for, and forgave others with more grace than I thought was possible.  I didn't try to figure much out, I just trusted that God knew what He was doing and wouldn't let me go.

I am not in the thunderstorms currently, praise God.  But I expect that they will roll through my life again.  My children are growing up.  There are temptations all around us.  I'm not a perfect parent and my shortcomings will probably blow up in my face.  I take more risks than I should, and I let my emotions get the best of me sometimes.  God is not a safe God.  I know God well enough to know that sometimes our wicked neighbors will have us murdered to take our land, sometimes we are unjustly accused and thrown into prison, sometimes we are rejected by the people we came to save, sometimes God just wants to show us that we will stand fast in the day of testing.  God knows there are weeds in our fields and He lets us all grow up together.  Sometimes that fills me with terror, but then I remember that this is not all that there is.

"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."  Hebrews 12:1-2  

I used to repeat this verse over and over to myself during labor.  I could endure the pain of labor for the joy of holding that precious baby.   I know that there have been many a mother who has labored only to see her baby fade away before her eyes.  God is good.  There will be joy for all those who trust that God is God, and that He is good.  So good that He gave us Jesus to endure all the pain that we will face in our short lives here.  I believe that with my whole heart.  This is a crazy world where I can believe that completely and still watch innocent people suffer.  I don't know why this world spins the way it does, I just know that it does, and it does it for the glory of God.  There are days when all I can do is be still and know that He is.  And yes, that is enough reason for me to trust and to follow Him.  I know that the end of all this labor is glory in Him.

I am thankful for: lots and lots of children, food, God's word, music, laughter, the smell of smoke, the tanginess of garlic, the bitterness of coffee, red, hands to hold, sassy women, bad hair days, questions without answers, tears, the smell of cedar, the insane schedule of May, the community of believers all around the world.

Facebook, bye, bye!

Last week was a very emotional week for me.  Rick was away with Karsten on the northwest history trip, and there was a lot of local controversy over things that had nothing to do with me, but still hit close to home.  I found myself losing any kind of peace.  I decided that I need to get off of Facebook and spend a little more face to face time with the important people in my life.  I can say that the last five days have been much more pleasant.  Good riddance!

I suppose blogging about the evils of social media is sort of hypocritical, but I have tried to whittle my blog readers down to the people that I do actually know and interact with.  I hope I don't come across as a bestower of all wisdom, because I only know what I know, which isn't much.  I am going to try very hard not to delve into any topic that I haven't actually experienced, because as my friend Paula said, "maybe you just shouldn't..."  Great advice!

What I love about getting off of Facebook is that my true blue friends call me.  They really do care about what I am doing and they want to interact with me.  That is so very encouraging to me.  I think it is easy to think you have friends until you really need them and discover that they are just likes on a page.  I need people that don't feel like they need to agree with everything I say or do, but still like me because I'm me.  Don't we all want those friends?  I want friends that aren't afraid to laugh at me when I am being a dork.  Most of all I want friends that aren't afraid to laugh even when it seems inappropriate, because I need a lot more laughter.  My friends that laughed with me through Eden's labor are the best!  Of course my brother provided a lot of material for that one.  Thanks Brant.

I am thankful for good friends, good food, good laughs, wrinkles, grey hair, many things forgotten, birthdays, wine, good books, and extremely patient husbands.  Let's face it girls we aren't easy to live with even on our good days, but chocolate chip cookies hot out of the oven go a long way.

Repetition

I came across this great paragraph in Anne Lamott's book, Stitches.  "Here's the true secret of life: We mostly do everything over and over.  In the morning, we let the dogs out, make coffee, read the paper, help whoever is around get ready for the day.  We do our work.  In the afternoon, if we have left, we come home, put down our keys and satchels, let the dogs out, take off constrictive clothing, make a drink or put water on for tea, toast the leftover bit of scone.  I love ritual and repetition.  Without the, I would be a balloon with a slow leak."

I find that routine is incredibly important to me, especially at the start of the day.  My skeleton daily routine goes something like this: get up, pour a cup of coffee, sit down and read my Bible, pray, grab a glass of water, and get ready.  Once I leave my bedroom after my children have started waking up the routine gets much less consistent.  Lately it has been: grab the car keys and drive to school, come home, make lunches, help children find misplaced belongings, get school kids out the door, clean up disaster in kitchen.  By now I should have some sort of routine for the kids that do school at home, but frankly it is often: look for boys, start load of laundry, pick up random garbage, find boys again, look for lesson plan and books, find boys again, sit down and read history and Bible.  The girls start to appear at this point creating a new disaster in the kitchen, which I try to ignore and focus on reading.  Then we all gather at the table and on a good day work on math and writing.  Sometimes this takes two hours, sometimes six depending on who texts needing me to give them a ride, if I need to go to the grocery store, if a friend has an emergency, if one of the kids asks a really good question leading to a bunny trail.  At 3:00 I get into the car and drive to school to pick up the kids.  This usually takes 45 minutes since they don't understand that they are supposed to come find me, not vice versa.  We get home have our after school snack and catch mom up on the day chat.  I start dinner which is usually eaten around 6:00.  The evenings are sort of a free for all of athletic events, 4-H meetings, parish meetings, friends stopping by, rides being needed, random shopping trips, nothing is ever routine about evenings.  I shoot for locking myself in my room around 9 to start reading and letting my mind unwind from the day.  Now that I write it down it looks pretty wild.  And really that is just the skeleton.  It can flesh out in all kinds of craziness depending on the day.  If I miss the cup of coffee and Bible reading, you may as well just send me back to bed, it isn't going to get pretty from there.

I appreciated being told it is okay to depend on some routine in a crazy world.  My routine may not be super consistent, but it really does bring some sanity to my life.  If I have a few footholds to step into during the day it makes life feel much more manageable.  I can take the unexpected if I have prepared with God's word and a little caffeine.  I feel like I accomplished something in the day if I get one load of laundry finished.  I have more hope for the next day if I can read a few pages before ten and let my brain untangle itself.  It is little things that God gives us to help us live in a material world.  I still need to lock myself in the bathroom occasionally and cry out to God for help.  Routine must not become my God.  It's just a little bit of normal in a windy world.

Just in Case I forget, and I Probably Will

I've been a bit stumped on what to write about lately.  There are so many thoughts and so little time.  I'm trying to make my rule of thumb: Would I want my kids to read this when I am gone?  That said there are a few parenting blunders I would like to admit to my kids, things that I did to them and I would advise that they not follow in my footsteps.

Listen to your kids.  I know it is painful at times.  Yes, they repeat themselves, often and for way too long, but once they get rolling they can say some pretty amazing things.  They have a perspective that we grown ups need to remember.  Let yourself really feel the wonder they have for the world.  If they say something really crazy, ask questions.  Sometimes they are trying to tell you something really important and they just don't have the words.  It is worth the effort to let them share what's in their heart with you.  Nes will ask us the deepest questions, and have the most profound insights.  I am thankful for his mind and his willingness to really try to communicate with a dense old lady like me.  Lord willing when I am an older lady, I will be able to listen to your kids.  I will have lots of time someday.

Hold your kids more, clean less.  The window of time that they really want you to hold them is really pretty small.  For some kids it is very small, so snuggle them often.  They can't write their name in sharpie on the wall if you are holding them and just enjoying how warm and sweet they are.  They will be using sharpies far longer than they will be willing to sit on your lap so take advantage of years of being able to sit with them.  I let you all sit in the neglect-o-matic way too much.  If I could have those hours back I would snuggle you and let the laundry wait.  Believe me the laundry will always be there.

Don't make your young children sit at the table for hours over uneaten food.  We gave you the "starving kids in Africa" speech, then we gave the starving kids in Africa the starving kids in Africa speech and realized how totally ridiculous it was.  Now that I know how much you all eat as teenagers I would have fed you mac'n cheese and put the extra money in savings for ten years.  I lost so many hours, and so much joy over meals that I should have just kept simple and let go.  I would encourage you to try lots of flavors and enjoy the things you love.  Let your kids eat what you eat, and if they only want a tablespoon full, don't sweat it.  There will be more for you, and Teddy grahams are a lot more nutritious than you think.

Let your kids know how much you delight in them.  Don't focus on what they do or do not do, just enjoy them.  They are all different.  They are all wonderful gifts.  Let them know often that you treasure them and are pleased that they are gifts God has let you have.  It is so easy to think that you can just make them a little bit better by pointing out this fault or that, but over time I think they need to know they are glorious just because they are.  There are plenty of people to point out all of their flaws, especially if you have more than one ;)

Help them to understand their sense of humor.  We Schus specialize in sarcasm.  While this is funny it is not the best kind of funny.  A sense of humor is your ability to laugh at yourself, not your sister.  It will serve you well if you can not take yourself too seriously and learn to laugh at yourself.  Mads, that is why I tried to get you to laugh when that poor waiter dropped salsa down your back.  Sure, it wasn't fun for you, but he felt terrible, and if it would have Brook you would have thought it was hilarious.  We make fun of each other because we know that we are deeply loved.  Just remember that as we add folks to the extended family, we need to let them wade in from the shallow end.  I know, I'm the one that needs the most work here.

Be thankful.  In all things give thanks.  When your tire is flat and dad isn't answering the phone, give thanks.  When your sister "borrows" your sweater without asking, give thanks.  When your sister makes you dinner, give thanks.  When you get your own room, give thanks.  When you have to share your room with three other boys, give thanks.  When mom forgets you at school, give thanks.  When your sister posts that unattractive picture of you on Facebook, give thanks.  When you get money from grandma, give thanks.  For every single one of you and every hour of sleep I have lost over you, I am thankful.  You are the greatest gifts God has given me.  I am eternally grateful that he chose to give me a good, abundant life, and I am so excited to see where you all take it from here.

Monday Frags

We had a very short but much needed retreat this weekend.  It was a crazy long drive to spend one and half glorious days of eating and talking and laughing, but it was so incredibly worth it.  Here are a few things that I gleaned from the weekend.

It is so incredibly restful to not have to think about planning and preparing meals.  I was so thankful for whatever they put on the table.  I did not care one bit what they set out for us, I was just so happy to show up three times a day and get a full plate.  My kids have no idea how fortunate they are!  Isn't that just one of God's ironies.  You don't know how good you have it until it gets worse.

I really need a group of people that I can sit down and laugh with.  Most of the groups I am part of I am still trying to convince someone in the group that I am not a complete nut.  I do have a couple of folks that I can let it all hang out with.  I need to make them a regular part of my schedule.  If you are one of them and are reading this call me!  We need to do coffee.  This needs to happen almost as often as date night with Rick.

I also firmly believe that having conversations with people who have their faces painted, are 30 feet off the ground, are sitting in a box of toy balls, or are dressed in funky pajamas will be much more real than the conversations we have on any regular occasion.  It is hard to take yourself too seriously when you are terrified that your next step may be your last, or the person you are talking to has a very odd design across half their face.  I recently read a story about a man with a severe facial disfigurement.  Those people who could get past his deformity found him genuine and beautiful.  I find this dynamic fascinating.  It makes me contemplate the idea of a facial tattoo, at least in theory.

Women need to talk to some adult before going to sleep at night.  They need to talk a lot and it could be about anything.  If they don't, no one will get much sleep and the next day will become much more challenging.

Getting out of the routine is much needed and incredibly helpful to the soul.  Coming back to the routine has the potential to drag you back to earth with alarming speed.  I do believe that the net effect is positive.  It renews my hope that all of the messes I returned to will not be eternal, and that the rest eventually will be.

The Haunting Fear

I spend a lot of time laying in bed in breathtaking fear that I am ruining my children.  The knowledge that I have these little beings made in the image of God joyfully singing, eating, talking, playing, watching tv, eating, reading, building things, and eating some more, all under my watch is terrifying.  I am responsible for not only feeding them and keeping them clean and clothed, I am responsible for all of the education they get.  They learn way too much by watching me, listening to me, and following me around all day long.  Now that I am responsible to teach them everything it makes me kind of sick most of the time.

The thing that scares me the most is that they are so impressionable.  I am looking at them through the lens of my own weakness, shortcomings and sin.  They have so much potential.  Most of them are smarter than I am and more spiritually aware than I am.  I am painfully aware that I am not capable of giving them all that they need to be the people God created them to be.  I am afraid that I will limit them by trying to keep my life manageable.  Mostly I am afraid that I will steal their joy by living in my own constant fear of ruining their lives.  They don't understand my bizarre behavior because my burden is invisible to them.  I think they just think I am a crazy lady that had way too many children.  They love being in a large family, but they are not at all interested in managing one of their own.  That right there starts the fear talk chattering in my head.

A very wise women told me recently that I can't be a fantastic mom and housekeeper and a amazing teacher at the same time.  She has tried to take the middle ground in all spheres and be satisfied with that.  Now if I tried to compare my middle ground to her middle ground it would become pretty laughable.  Her oldest is in residency in some specialty I can't even spell, and she has done some incredibly intense parenting of children from hard places, on top of the fact that I have helped her clean her house before events a couple of times and am well aware that her regular cleaning schedule includes things I have never done at my house.  I love her dearly and appreciate her advice.  I hope God is as generous with my middle ground as he has been with hers.  We did both agree that technology has played a big part in wrecking a lot of great educational opportunities to get lost in some great books, and killed a lot of joy of parenting due to the amount of time it requires to monitor.  But alas, God has brought this wilderness to our lives to be conquered for his glory.

I have been wrestling all day with how to conquer this debilitating fear.  Prayer and faith are all that come to mind.  That and repentance, repentance, repentance and getting up and trying again to stop doing it my own self.  Keeping an eternal perspective helps, although if I start to look too far down the road that is when the fear gets really dark and scary.  Maybe just having enough faith to make today the best day that it can be, and letting God spoon feed me for a while in that way.  Most nights it just looks like a pathetic woman on her knees gasping for breath hoping that God will cover all the dumb things I did in front of my kids all day.  I wake up in the morning, chow down on God's word, ask my kids for forgiveness and assure them that God is a lot more gracious than I am.  I know that he is, he chose me, and I am less pathetic than I was when he covered me with his love. 

I am thankful for Costco, trees that turn into flower gardens in the spring, cloudscapes that make you want to pull over and sing, neighbors that keep me humble in a multitude of ways, children dancing, fun music, pretty dresses, the fellowship of moms that encourage one another not to give up, wind that bites my ears and makes me walk faster than I meant to, letters of intent for my daughters to run track I didn't believe that day would ever come, sisters having lunch together like grown ups.

Random notes from a weekend in The South

It was so good to get a little break from the routine, especially when it involved warm weather and good friends.  It gave me a chance to sit and talk to grown ups without any interruptions, except for the occasional pilot giving flight updates.  It shook loose a lot of random thoughts, that I may never get a chance to fully sort out before I need to box them up and archive them again, but I wanted to jot some things down before I go back into my foggy life.

I have had people make little comments to me about things in my life that they feel like they can't do. They haven't commented in the negative, but sort of implying that I have some increased spirituality because I have a large family, or because we adopted, or because we home school, or whatever it is we are talking about.  I just want to go on record to say that I am not holier than anyone for any of these things.  I think there was a season where I felt like I needed to do stuff for God, and believe me, he showed me He can pour it on longer and harder than I can hold it together.  I'm a selfish sinner just like everyone else and I am not looking down my nose at anyone for any choices they have made in life that glorifies our father.  I don't care how many kids you have, where they were born, when they walked or what they watch on t.v. I know that every person out there has some amazing gift that God has given to them that I don't have.  I have my own struggles living a holy life in a fallen world, I'm not your judge God is, and if you need a friend to talk to I'm here.  I don't have all the answers I just know that God is good.

I was reminded that I need to stop categorizing people and just listen to them.  I need to look at each person as an individual and stop trying to put them in boxes so that I can keep them organized in my conversations.  I need to quit thinking all Christian school people think like this... or all people in the south think this.... or all people that move to Moscow think this....  God has a plan for each of us and he mixes things up in crazy combinations that I need to appreciate much more than I do.

One lady made an off hand comment that was very insightful.  She told me when she quit thinking that the point of her story was that she would be happy, and understood that the point of her story was to glorify God, she became much more content.  Whoa.  What a concept!  I should be thinking more about how my life glorifies Him and less about why He doesn't seem to choose the things that would make me happy and then I will be more content?  I know that intellectually, but when I start sinking into the self pity pond I lose all sight of it.

That got me thinking about how I use my time.  I keep trying to free up time to "help people".  What in the world?  I have so many people to help that I keep tripping over them as I look to find new people.  Here's a thought, why don't I turn my gaze on them and revel in the blessing of having a house bursting with needy people?  I am fairly certain that if I work the system right there will always be needy people right here in front of me.  I think I will start with them and see where God takes me from there.

We visited a lovely small Christian college in The South.  The weather was mild and tantalizingly warm.  The magnolias were in bloom.  The birds were singing.  I had been praying that God would give me eyes to see and ears to hear what he had for us on this trip.  Brook and I visited with a couple of science professors and asked them questions about what their students did after college.  I had to work hard to keep my jaw off the floor.  He spoke right into our hearts and showed us things we had not seen before.  He pulled his Bible right out of his pocket and talked to us about science and religion and what it would mean to be a serious Christian in that field.  I was so excited I want to jump up and down.  Brook even got chatty about it!  The track coach told us the story of how God had brought him to this school.  I love to hear how God works in people's lives bringing them to the places he needs them at just the right times.  We walked away encouraged and hopeful for what God might be doing in the girl's lives.  We don't know yet, what will happen with all of this, but it was a great trip and I'm very glad we went.

Another memorable road trip

Spring break started off with some unexpected twists.  We were headed to the west side when our tires started to do the wobble.  We made it to semi-civilization and got the tire changed which we thought was the end of our troubles.  In hind sight this would have been a good time to turn around, but that was not what we did.  We pressed on, only to lose our tread in the middle of I-90 coming down Snoqualmie Pass.  Les Schwab came and changed the tire on the freeway.  We drove in to town and had the rest of the studs taken off and new tires put on.  Once again, we were sure we had all problems solved.  We got back on the freeway and headed west.  Not  ten minutes later I asked what smelled like burning rubber, right as Karsten noticed that there was smoke coming into the van.  We pulled over and ran up the bank to make sure if the car burst into flames we weren't too close.  I'm sure the folks on the freeway found this amusing.  We ended up getting back in the car and taking back roads to our destination.  We did make it to where we were headed.  On the way back we were still getting smoke in the car, and ended up leaving the van in Seattle.  Lord willing Rick will pick it up tomorrow and bring it home.  I don't want to say that too confidently, since the fat lady has not yet sung.

Fortunately a lot of really fun stuff happened in between stops alongside the freeway.  It made me appreciate my family.  They hung out in McDonald's, sat in the van not moving for over an hour, and made the most of sitting together in places we hadn't planned to be.  There was no fighting, no blaming, a little bit of crying (losing your tread at 70 mph is a little scary), but all in all they smiled and laughed more than they fussed.  On the way home we had guests, not sure they will ever ride with us again, but what can I say?  They even had a bit of fun looking for a mechanic on a Sunday afternoon in a van, that smelled of burning petroleum products, full of children, and a frazzled lady.  There is nothing like a little adversity to bond people together.

We spent the weekend with friends we hadn't seen since September.  It was a really great time of learning from each other, and laughing together.  We talked about things that are not part of our regular conversation, and it was really good.  We also saw that God is working mightily in this group of people.  I was so encouraged by their vision and their commitment to hard things.  I'm glad we made it. It was really good for the kids too.  They deepened relationships with friends, and saw how blessed they have been.

Rick, Brook, and Karsten made it to the airport, probably in record time.  They borrowed a car and headed south ahead of us.  Two of them were in California before we made it to the airport.  They are enjoying the sun and surf.  I'm so glad they got to take a break this week.  My Mom met us at SeaTac and took two more to her beach.  She had to take a detour through north Seattle on the way home, for which I am very grateful.  We meant to stop on the way down, but were too distracted by worrying whether or not the car was going to catch on fire, and where we were going to stay that night.  I have a hilarious text from a good friend with mechanical skills.  His advice was good and if he hadn't mentioned that I might need a fire extinguisher I might have taken it.

I ended up spending an extra night in Seattle while I waited for a mechanic to be available on Monday. Rick did  a lot of Internet research while on his trip and found me a rental car, and a mechanic, and gave me an exit strategy.  I have to admit my cool in adversity was thin at best.  Fortunately I had a couple of friends who hung out with us for the evening who made it much more tolerable.  I'm not sure what I would have come up with on my own.  I had called my SIL to come and  pick up the kids.  She was willing to make the two and a half hour drive, and really, looking back that would have been the most fun for the kids and a whole lot cheaper for me.  I didn't want to burden her like that so I told her not to come.  It was really good just to know that she would have.

I guess in the end that was the biggest lesson in the whole thing.  With every trial there is blessing.  My family was there when I needed them.  My friends were there offering help, prayer, and laughter.  I wasn't alone.  God took care of us every step of the way.  I had a moment of realization as we were sitting next to the freeway.  I realized that if I had been in Bandung I would have been much less composed than I should have been.  My adventurous spirit is not as free as I had hoped.  I really just wanted to be home where I felt safe.  I love my comfort zone.  I felt very vulnerable alongside the road with my kids and friends waiting on me to figure out what to do next.  I was confused.  It took me longer than it should have to look up and ask God what in the world I was supposed to do about this.  He was faithful while I wandered stupidly.  I should have looked up when we started to wobble and ask where to go from here, maybe we would have been told to keep going, we did and I am grateful for the time we had on Saturday.

I'm thankful for....

Doctors that have stuck with some crazy career choices for over 20 years

Roadside assistance

Car insurance

Friends that can laugh among tires in a sketchy garage run by Omar

That Madie didn't leave me

That Rick had Internet access and persistence

Prayers from many people that kept us going

Committed Christians who dedicate their lives to a vision and keep at it for years on end

People that have traveled hard roads and aren't afraid to share it with new friends

Stories that inspire us to be better people

A God who keeps me in His hand at all times

Sunshine on the mountains

Spring flowers blooming along the sound

Children, there are never too many

Families that are so much better than I deserve

Opportunities to make memories




Road trips that are bumpy and get better every time you tell the tale

Car advice long distance

Teens and holes in the walls

My life is very, very full.  It is good, it flies by quickly.  I need to commit to writing on my blog on a regular basis.  Even if it is only posting a picture, that is semi-focused just so I don't forget all that is happening around me.

My Mom spent a month in Arizona, and arrived back in the very chilly northwest early this week.  She drove over to retrieve her car and her dog.  Note, her dog, not my dog, yay!  Karsten turned 13 on Monday.  I had the day off of work on Tuesday.  I had a haircut in the morning, and then we went out for lunch and manicure.  I have to say, that could be addictive.  The sun was even shining, which means it was pretty much the perfect day.

Mom left town, we had parish group dinner at our house, and the next day Brant and Rachel and crew rolled in.  My house is feeling the effects of lots of bodies, lots of food, lots of feet, lots of people sleeping everywhere.  I have one broken window, and one butt print in the sheet rock.  My teenage son learned that wrestling at 13 does a lot more damage than wrestling at 5.  My introvert side is screaming for a little quiet time, but I am training it to make the most of what it gets and be content with constant streams of social interaction.

In the midst of all this my oven has been dead for two weeks.  I could seriously use a fresh baked chocolate chip cookie, maybe that is God's way of giving me a Lenten fast.  I have been maximizing my 22 qt roaster that I bought as the turkey roaster for Thanksgiving.  If you have a kitchen and you think you need to get a second oven, let me tell you those roaster's are the bomb.  I think I got mine for right around $40.  It has baked cakes, cheesecakes, giant batches of sausage stew, baked potatoes, and turkey.  I am loving it!  My new oven actually made it into town on Friday, but so did Brant and Rachel so I asked them to hang onto it until things in the house settled down.  I have had more than my fair share of broken appliances, and home improvement projects during large family gatherings.  I have learned that it is worth the wait to have a little less chaos when there are extra people in the house.

My kids had a few dicey moments this week, and I have to say I am so impressed with them.  They have handled all of the chaos graciously.  They have managed their homework, jobs, social lives, family, chores and sleep well.  They have been helpful to me, and to their friends.  God is good, and I am so grateful that He has kept us in His hand.  Every time I am sure we are headed for a disaster, things shake out and all is well.  They have a much better grip on life than I ever have, glory to God!

I am thankful for...

Cousins cheering each other on

Girls dressing up and dancing together

Lots of bodies filling my house with love

Pretty fingernails

Mothers of teenagers, seeing faith working out

Martha telling me she likes me, unsolicited

Holes in the wall, signs of good times

Work and all the food it supplies

Friends taking care of my kids, just because they want to