Big Kids, Big Problems

Back in the days when all my children went to bed by 8 pm, and I thought it was the hardest point in my life, my dad would continually tell me, "little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems."  We had some pretty big problems when we had little kids, so the saying isn't perfect, but it is pretty accurate.

One of my daily struggles today is watching my kids choose things that I would never choose for them.  I have prayed for years for God to prepare me for the days of their testing, when I would have to sit back and watch them struggle with walking out their faith.  And here we are, watching, praying, seeking counsel, praying and trusting God with the story.  I hope someday I will be able to write about this story in detail, but it is personal and I respect that.  I think one of the hardest mom moments I have had is when my child looked at me and said something along the lines of, "but mom, you have always told us to walk with those who are on the margins and have no one else.  You taught us not to take the easy way."  I guess I did.

I had a very nice little story all written out in my head.  I had big hopes and dreams.  I had my eye out for just the right opportunities and situations.  I tried to manipulate a few times (which as you can imagine went well, NOT!)  So now I sit and pray.  I try very hard, VERY HARD, to keep my mouth shut and listen.  I try to see what God is up to in this story.  What I can see is that I have raised a very loyal, hard working, caring, beautiful person who isn't looking out for number one.  They have taken the hard road, and I am trusting that will bring growth and glory.  I am trying to remember that my perspective and God's perspective are sometimes widely divided, and I am the one who needs to change my focus.  I am trying to remember that my grown children are no longer my babies in Christ, they are my brothers and sisters in Christ and I need to treat them like that.  I am not their savior.  I am not their Holy Spirit.  If I try to be those things I will lose my relationship with them.  They have free will, just like I do.  They have to walk with the Spirit, just like I do.  I have to trust that God is the author of their story and that he is always faithful.  I have to let go of my story and embrace what God is up to as he teaches my children about life in Christ.

Life in Christ is perfect, except that we are humans with free will, so we tend to botch it.  God knows this and in some mysterious way takes that all into account and makes beautiful stories out of crazy plot lines.  I know my kids will wander.  I know they will make poor choices.  I know they are sinners and in need of crazy grace.  I hope that I am growing in extending that grace.  I hope that I am growing in extending that grace to other people's children as well.  I hope I am growing in extending that grace to myself.  I have to remind myself often of my crazy grace story.  I try to be honest with my kids about my crazy grace story, and yes they do use it against me from time to time.  They pull the, "you weren't a Christian when dad started dating you."  Nope, I wasn't, and wasn't that a glorious part of our story?  Wisdom comes along slowly sometimes, but I have no regrets about being honest with them about where I have come from.  They need to know that we all fail.  We all learn something from our failures, sometimes we learn badly and it happens again.  That is what this life is all about, living, failing, repenting, forgiving, praying, loving, suffering, and being thankful for it all.  Even thankful for the hard chapters.  Thankful in the suffering is hard stuff.  I have learned that joy comes through suffering, so I will not give up when things look tough.  I know my kids, and several of them also don't give up when things are tough.  A couple of them do, and that is where I have to step up, encourage, pray, seek others to help, and do my best to keep them moving.

On a very side note, this summer has given me some crazy analogies.  Breaking steers to lead has a lot of similarity to raising teenagers.  Working with kids with special needs has  a lot of similarity to both breaking steers to lead and parenting teenagers.  I am learning how little control I have over other living things.  I am learning to be creative in my motivational techniques.  I am learning to see progress in ways that I would have scoffed at fifteen years ago.  I am probably learning to be gracious and long suffering.  I am definitely learning to pray without ceasing.  I am also learning humility, because there are more times that I am at a total loss, than times I think I have the right answer.

God is at work in the Schumaker family.  It may look sketchy from time to time, and it is, but I see a positive direction over all.  The problems we face now have harder consequences, and longer lasting effects, but they also offer greater rewards.  Maybe this is a defense of why we look the way we do from the outside perspective, or maybe this is just an honest post about living the Christian life with a lot of people to manage.  I have learned to listen carefully to the voice that speak into my life.  I am not going to make anyone happy, that's not my job.  I am just doing my best to be faithful in what I am called to do, and I so enjoy finding those people out there who are doing the same.  There was a great line I read in a book on living with people with chronic degenerative disease (of which I will be doing someday I am sure) that said something like this, "I am glad I found the person to stagger through life with."  That's me, staggering away, fully aware that I am not walking a straight line all of the time and happy to know that there are folks out there who will give me a hand, because they are staggering too.

My people

Back when I was younger, had fewer grey hairs, an easier time losing that last five pounds, and all my kids could fit comfortably in my house I wanted to remember that when I got older I needed to be looking for other young moms to help out.  I think I was really wallowing in self pity and just wanted my mom to live closer and be more available to help with my herd.  I wish I would have done more reckoning with myself back then, but frankly I didn't have time.  I was an idiot and was busy trying to make my life impossibly difficult  so that I could prove what an awesome follower of God I was.  God is very kind.  He does not give us what we deserve, but he does allow us the freedom to learn lessons the hard way.  He has been very kind to my kids, because I definitely do not deserve the way they have turned out.

As I get older I realize that I need to be much gentler on everyone around me, which is not an easy task for me.  My motto is: "suck it up buttercup, life is hard."  Life is hard, and I need to walk along side people better.  I need to allow my kids and my parents to make decisions that may make some things harder for them or for me or for both.  I need to accept that I don't have any control over what they do.  I need to think more about how my decisions affect those around me.  I like to be independent, but there is no room for that in my life.  I have too many people living in close proximity to me to believe that anything I say, buy, do, believe has no affect on someone else.

I have struggled for most of my adult life with individualistic thinking.  I deeply desire to be part of a people.  That probably explains my insane choice of raising 9 of them.  I think my secret hope is that at least one of them might end up in the same town as me.  Things aren't looking good at the moment, but there is some hope.  I live in the constant tension of wanting to be my own person, and wanting to be committed to others.  I was honestly heartbroken when my brother and his family moved away from us.  I haven't really dealt with that completely.  We had gotten into some very fun grooves, and I miss the balance they brought to my life.  I just really miss them, all of them.  Loud, rowdy, smart-asses that they are, 200 miles away is too far.  When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in the same town as my grand-parents.  Ironically they live in the town my brother lives in now.  I'm trying not to question God on this, but I struggle.  It's not easy to develop close friendships (at least it is not easy for me) with people that aren't committed to you for better or for worse.

My FIL has recently started dating someone he is very excited about.  The rest of the family is trying to deal with our happiness for him, and heartbreak over the loss of my MIL.  Of course we are happy that he has someone to keep him from being lonely, at the same time we feel like we are dishonoring my MIL's memory.  I also know, although my husband doesn't yet, that it will alter all of our relationships with his dad.  Falling in love with someone new changes all of your other close relationships in ways that no one can predict.  It makes me a little bit anxious, even though I know it is likely what is best for him.  Another occasion to let my selfishness die.  My daughter has discussed her struggle with it as well.  The humorous part of that is that she has her own love interest that has altered all of our relationships, but she hasn't made the connection yet.  Letting the people you love love others and bring them into your family is quite the ride.  I guess I should be more thankful that they don't really know what a bunch of loonies they are getting involved with.  I try to focus on the many, many happily married people I know and trust that God will work it all out.

I'm trying to be very honest with myself.  I have a lot of close relationships in my life.  At this particular season most of them don't feel very good.  The majority of my children are at an age where they need to start moving away from mom and dad.  This is what should happen, but it doesn't feel great in the process.  I also have so many, so close in age, that it just feels like no one likes me very much.  Everyone has an opinion.  No one wants to share their plans, or their interests, because they don't want too much advice or a less than enthusiastic response.  I am grateful that my parents are filling in some of those conversations for me.  I know it is easier to talk to someone who is not your mom most of the time.  It just leaves me feeling very left out and unwanted.  I'm trusting that this will change eventually.  I'm also realizing that I need a support network of people that do like me, or at least can make me feel like they do.  I don't think my husband understands, and it is a lot to burden him with.  I know this too shall pass, and I'm trying to be thankful that they are still around even if they would rather not be.  This is not at all what I imagined my late 40's to be like.  I was hoping it would be more joyous and less insecure.  I really should have thought about that more when I was younger and just hoping things would get easier.  News flash girls, they don't get easier.  Teens don't puke as much as toddlers (usually) but they can be very unkind with their words and they don't go to bed at 8 pm.  My best piece of advice is to keep your girl friends close.  Don't let some petty thing come between you when your kids are little, you are going to need those ladies down the road.  No one is going to care who started walking first, or whose couch is cuter.  If she is a safe person who can make you laugh when you feel like crying, keep her at all costs!  Life is hard, but it is also beautiful.  Seasons are constantly changing, and new lessons are being learned.  Thank you Jesus for walking with me through this life, when it feels like everyone is distant, you are always near.

Free Will and kids

I read recently that God is a respecter of free will.  That brought me up short, and continues to sort of blow my mind.  Allowing us to have free will was so important to Him, that He gave us the capacity to ruin His perfect creation.  He wants us to do what is right because we choose His will over our own.  That is the graduate school of life right there.  Simple, straight forward and oh so hard in the moment.

It's one thing for me to wrestle with that in my relationship with God, but entirely another when I apply it to my relationship with my kids.  Am I a respecter of free will with my kids?  I really don't want to be.  I want them to let me make the right decisions for them.  I want to save them the wasted time and resources that come from making foolish decisions.  They know their Bibles too well, and I have taught them to see God in the stories lived out around them.  They know God can redeem terrible situations, and that it brings Him glory.  Do I trust Him?

I have spent the last several years living with a lot of rules.  A lot of you may not until you are 18 kind of rules.  As if at 18 they will suddenly have the wisdom and self control to make all the right choices.  Actually it just buys me some time, and then I can shrug and say they were 18 what was I to do?  I am to teach them what is right and what is wrong and what is a suit yourself category.  I am to tell them the stories of what God has done in the world, and what He has done in my life.  I am to love them and live out godliness before them.  And to be honest, I stink at that.  I want to control them which is not godly. I want to look good and wise and sweet and I am not.  Fortunately God has been extremely kind and allowed my experience to be a good teacher.  As we have allowed our kids more freedom to make friends outside of our school and church circles I have been able to talk them through scenarios that come up.  Funny how they are always surprised that I know how things are going to go down.  There is nothing new under the sun kids, except the Internet that allows the same gossip to fly further faster.  I have to trust that God is with my kids.

I know He is.  I know.  But when I see them post thing,s there are times my stomach turns and know I am heading up the roller coaster.  I know I need to let them figure it out and that if I say anything it will only make it worse.  When friends pick them up on the weekend I know that I may get a call that I don't want to get, but I need to let them go.  I am very, very thankful that so far they have trusted me enough to avoid the big scrapes, and realized that I had kept them out of a big mess.  They keep themselves busy with good things, like home work and jobs which minimizes opportunities to get into hot water.  This is a good life lesson.  Too much time on your hands is never good.  God gave me nine children to keep me out of trouble.  Respecting their free will is not really an option.  I can shape their will only so much, and then they have to practice using it.  Different kids have different personalities and test it in different ways.  We also have the blessing of lots of people around to learn from.  Older siblings are great guides, and mentors.  God is good.  Parenting gives me a stomach ache on many days, but I know that we are still very early in the story.  We have a lot more lessons to learn together.

I am grateful in many ways for the strange story of my life.  I am far from perfect.  I did learn some things about life that have been very helpful.  I can warn my kids of danger up ahead.  They may not slow down for every curve, and I need to trust God in all of it.  He gave them free will, He gave me free will, He loves them more than I do.  They are in His hand for better or for worse and my prayer is that they will give Him all the glory for how the story unfolds.  I want them to choose God because they know that He is, and that He loved them first.  They have to learn that for themselves, just like I did.  I want their faith to be real and solid, and that takes testing.  God gave us an incredible gift and grace enough to let us try it out.  Lord I pray that I will trust you to do for them what you did for me.

Thank You Jesus

For as long as I have claimed to walk with Jesus I have wondered if I would ever be good enough to be accepted in His community.  When I started dating Rick I knew I wasn't good enough for him.  I knew his parents were disappointed.  I knew everyone was hoping he would date one of the girls from his church.  I also know that they were completely justified in thinking everything they thought.  I wasn't good.  I'm still that girl in so many ways, but then I'm not.  Jesus keeps reminding me that He died for all of that.  I died with him, and I am free of all of my many, big, ugly mistakes.

I don't know why God lets us make such huge messes before He gets our attention and calls us out of them.  I do know life is messy.  I do know how that mess feels.  I do know that I don't have to sit in them and figure it out anymore.  I can cry for help and He is faithful to walk with me out of the mess.  He isn't even embarrassed to be seen with me.  Oh, that I can be that graceful.

Living in a house full of semi-adults is extremely humbling.  For me it involves learning to nod sympathetically and give hugs instead of staring in amazement and blasting them with "how can you be so stupid?!"  They occasionally know they are stupid, and when they don't I just need to wait a little bit longer.  Usually, while I'm waiting, I see where I have lead them in this particular stupid behavior.  I can see my sin in their lives, and I know what it brings.  I try to warn them, but more often than not they want to see for themselves.  For some reason they think I enjoy telling them that I knew that was coming.  I really don't, I would much rather have them trust me on that one and turn away from the stupidness.  Trying to keep grace and truth together in my comments is my new math problem.  Math was never my strong suit.

God is good.  He does work in areas I can't manage.  We get hopeful texts and phone calls and we cry out, "thanks, God!"  Sometimes we get an opportunity to walk into someone else's mess that reminds us that we have much to be thankful for.  I need to resist the urge to hide.  When the kids start to really struggle I want to pull in and despair.   I need to reach out to those who have walked this road ahead of me.  Even if they don't have the answer I need, they have the ability to give me a hug and tell me they still love me.  They can remind me that someday all of these kids will live elsewhere and we can wear funky clothes without their comments and laugh as they walk this bumpy road.  Friends are the greatest ally in the war against teenage insanity.  I am very grateful for the friends that the teens have brought into my life.  I am sure we have years of laughter ahead of us.  Right now it is laughing through tears, but I'm hoping this is only a season.

The good news is that I have figured out that all of the parenting I thought I had mastered five years ago is being re-vamped and made better.  Teaching children to drive is not for weenies.  Dating is a marathon that I'm hoping I will be glad that I finished someday.  It has it's glorious miles, and the ones that make you wish you were dead.  I'm still early in the race, so pray for me to finish strong.  Education is not a linear, neat package.  Figuring out what your kids are good at and how to encourage them to persevere in the hard stuff takes some skill.  Dealing with the hurts of childhood is also a sanctifying work.  I do recommend a good therapist.  Sometimes it is more than mom and dad can deal with.  Don't underestimate how deeply very young children can be hurt.  They learn how to live with painful wounds, but they need to be healed.  Life is tough.  Don't try to live it alone.  ;

Grace is hard

I am a peacemaker at heart.  I dread conflict and try very hard to avoid it all costs.  With a house full of children who are moving into the phase of life where they get to make many of their own decisions, conflict abounds.  I love my children.  I love their friends.  I really do, all of them.  Sure, they are a motley lot, and I fit right in.  I am being told daily that I am not being fair.  I am being told that I expect people to be perfect.  Really, I am being told that I am a crappy God and they really don't appreciate my standards.  I'm not in any way claiming to be God, but I am getting a good dose of the false accusations that are leveled against Him.  The difference is that I really am a crappy God, and He really is good and Holy.

As I review the events of yesterday, and start to question most of what I did, I realize how short I fall.  God is full of grace, and I am struggling to sprinkle some out of my plugged up nozzle.  I know people are imperfect, but I wish they would go work on that and then come back and talk to me like someone who is sane.  Oh wait, is it them or is it me?  Jesus is so much wider and deeper than I am.  Why does He give me so many opportunities to extend grace in so many different directions all at the same time?  I'm not omni-anything.  I have limits, man, slow it down!  If each day has sufficient trouble of it's own, I'm spending this morning hiding from them.  I stunk it up yesterday and this afternoon is looking ripe with trouble too.

Grace is really hard to do.  It goes against every gut instinct I have.  It isn't fair at all.  It requires me to look beyond my limits and jump with all my might into Jesus' territory and forget that I exist.  It requires me to leave fear behind.  I can't bring along my anger.  I need to trust the one who made the universe.  Why is that so stinking hard?  Do I really think my worry, anger, indignation, sarcasm, and scoffing are helping anything?  I am insane!  Grace requires me to ignore my limits and to live on God's Words.  All the imperfections around me will be made right by Him.  He doesn't require me to be perfect, He is perfection for me when I live in Him.

Hey kids, I'm not fair.  Neither is God.  He is grace, sufficient for us all.  Now let's put aside all the crazy expectations and be quick to listen and slow to anger.  I've failed you all many times over, but I'm not done.  I see it.  He died for all of us so that our imperfection, which we all have no matter how good we can make ourselves look, can be made right by Him alone.  We are all human.  We all want the best for us.  We are all in this together for better and for worse.  When Mom seems to be in crazy land, turn to God.  Pray for me.  Prayer is powerful, I do it a lot, things would be worse if I didn't.  I trust in God.  His faithfulness is forever.  I know that His grace has covered a multitude of my sins, and yours.  Our lives will never be easy or peaceful for long, struggle is part of the deal.  I love you with a very imperfect love.  I let fear creep in way too often, and I am praying about that too.  We have the same Father and He will see us through this crazy life together.

Kids

I have known intellectually for some time that how my children "turn out" has a lot less to do with my parenting skills and a lot more to do with the way God made them than I would like to believe. (Unless it is the disciplined kid that everyone likes, I nailed that one!)  I can see that the tendencies they had as toddlers are pretty much still their tendencies as adults, they have just learned some skills to make them functional in society.  I had a mom ask me one time how much time I spent doing homework with one of my kids, who is just naturally very bright.  It took me a minute to understand her question, because I wasn't particularly bright at the moment, and then I responded that she did all that at school.    Some of my kids have always brought a lot of work home from school and some don't bring any, and neither of those situations had anything to do with good students vs. bad students.  I have kids who get good grades through hours of hard work, and kids who get good grades while getting all their work done at school, and kids that do hours of hard work and get mediocre grades, and the ones I help are not the ones that get great grades.  I have been blessed with a larger sampling size than many parents, so I can say from experience that every kid is different, and parenting each of them is a challenge.  Sometimes I think parents take way too much credit for their amazing kids.

I have one child that blows my socks off over and over.  He is the sweetest, most tender  hearted, athletic, gentle, diligent, and kind person I have ever met.  He was born in Africa to a very poor mother who was HIV+.  He doesn't know who his dad is, his mother never talked about him.  He was raised by Catholic nuns in an orphanage in Addis Abbaba until he was almost four.  Not the most auspicious start in life, but this kid is the one I wish I could take credit for.  He is the only one in my house that would share his chocolate if he was the one that was given two when everyone else got one.  You wouldn't have to prompt him, or point it out, he would do it automatically.

Today I was editing his paper for third grade and it made me cry.  He was writing about the four people he would really like to meet.  He wants to meet Jesus, George Washington, Marshawn Lynch, and his Ethiopia dad.  He wants to meet these men, and worship with them.  What?  Who is this kid?  I promise you folks any goodness in him has nothing to do with me.  He blesses me more and more everyday.  He loves his heritage and is looking forward to Africa night coming up at UofI.  He aches for his father that he has never met.  He wants to know why he left him and he wants to know if he looks like him.  I think he looks like his mom, but that doesn't help him.  I had no idea he is a Marshawn Lynch fan, but he recognized that he is fast and strong, and followed his dreams.  I pray that God fulfills Nes's dream of being a missionary to Africa with his big brother Karsten.  I know God has big plans for these two.  I'm lucky to be their mom.

Some of my kids are more challenging.  They have their own special gifts, but sometimes you have to really look for them.  It can be really hard in a big family not to compare yourself or your kids to their siblings.  I keep trying to remind the ones that God has given very obvious talents not to take too much credit for those, as they are gifts.  They need to share them with their siblings and friends, not flaunt them.  Sometimes our gifts aren't obvious to everyone else, and it is easy to think they are less important.  It is important for me to recognize those and encourage my kids to be thankful for what they have been given.  Some kids have incredible gifts that they don't use.  Madie gets so mad at Bronwyn because she is naturally faster than she is, but it takes Bronwyn the whole season to beat Madie because she doesn't work at it until she has to.  Madie's hard work is paying off now that she is at college and I am very glad to see her keeping focused and seeing results.

All of my kids are going to grow up and fly whether I am paying attention or not.  Some of them are destined for great things in spite of my lameness.  Others will need encouragement often, always, and I am glad to give it.  Mostly I am thankful to have had the opportunity to watch them grow.  They are a lot of fun and they challenge me to grow as well.  They are the fruit of much of my labor even if the kind of fruit is all determined by their father in Heaven.  They keep me humble and delighted all at the same time.  It's safe to say I am not nailing this parenting thing, but God is kind and He loves His kids and has good things for them.  I can't wait to be the grandparent that gets to spoil their kids and send them back home.  That will be the real reward.

Random Thoughts on God and Parenting

There was a time in my life when I thought I needed to have all my theology in order.  I needed to be able to "defend my faith" and answer every question with the right answer.  Then I got swamped in diapers, and discipline, and first foods and decided that I didn't care about theology.  I just needed to make more cookies.  Now as I look back, because looking forward is still too fuzzy, so I will get back to this in a few years with yet another vantage point, I see that God has walked with me the whole time.  He is always bigger than whatever box I try to fit Him in.  Today I just stand in awe and thank Him for not being any of the lame things I tried to make Him, and for not letting me be any of the lame things I've tried to make myself.

I love to study my Bible.  I love to read books about God, and theology, and church, and living the Christian life.  I know that there are glimpses of who God is in all of that, but they can't possibly contain Him.  I love to follow people from around the world on instagram and see the astounding diversity that God has created in this world and thank Him for all of it, but even that is so minuscule in showing us His wonder.  I will, for the rest of my life, be trying to get to know God more.  There will always be more to know.  Thanks be to God!

I was reading about a professor that gave his students a personality test and asked them to fill it out for God.  Then he gave them a similar test and asked them to fill it out for themselves.  Apparently people tend to think God is similar to themselves.  I know this is one of those classes that would have made me roll my eyes and grumble.  God is a Spirit people!  He doesn't have a personality.  He is all of it, perfectly communing in love.  We are too tiny to not be crushed by the magnitude of His personality.  He has to split it up and parcel it out to each one of us to reflect it back to Him.  And even then, we only get a glimpse.  I know this is completely arrogant, even talking about glimpsing God doesn't do Him justice.  I just stare at the clouds and am wowed.

He is my joy and my glory.  Sometimes I forget that and think my kids are my joy and my glory.  I see how dangerous that road is, and I am trying my best to stay off of it.  When my kids disappoint me, or their lives hit the hard spots, I do not want to question God's goodness.  I know He is good.  He has already dished up some crushing situations in their lives, and He walked us through it.  I know there are times where it looks like I am too trusting with my kids.  I know.  I know that they are His kids.  He let me lead them down the road for a while, but the road was always His.  He snatched me out of a dark and creepy place.  I wan't looking for Him, but He was always watching me.   I know that my kids will fail.  That is where they will meet God and know He is always watching them.  If they always look to me, I will fail them.  I already have, big time.  They need to know there is someone, much bigger than me who has their back.  I have to look to Him always in all things and know that in Him I cannot ultimately fail.  If I forget that, then it is all a failure anyway.  Most importantly I want God to be my children's joy and glory.  I can't give that to them.  I can only point the way and pray for God to give them eyes to see.

I have had lot of conversations with lots of moms over the years.  A common theme is keeping our kids from evil.  Not in those words of course.  Especially as our kids hit the dreaded teenage years.  I come from a long line of rather hands off parents.  I also have been given more children than I can keep eyes on at all times.  I could easily let this consume me.  I could have internet filters on every device (and I do have some), I could have apps that let me read all of their texts (this thought makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and suck my thumb), I could have a 9:30 curfew (which is my favorite bed time), I could have a list of rules a mile long nailed to the door and recited each morning during breakfast, but all of that would cause me to lose what little is left of my mind.  I may be crazy, and you wouldn't be the first to think so, but I pray.   I pray often.  I take all my concerns to God and ask Him which ones really require me to follow up.  I ask my kids a lot of questions (they love this!). I get to know their friends.  I have decided that I want to pursue healthy relationships with my people instead of volumes of rules.  I have had many times where "common sense" was not to be trusted.  My common sense is not the same as my teenage son's common sense.  Then I remember how far sense has come in my life in the last 30 years and I sit down and have another chat with the boys.  At the end of the day, I can say without reserve, that the teenage years in this household have been the best (so far).  I love my children and my friends who have teenagers and my parents (thank you for not killing me when I was a teenager).  We cannot keep our kids from evil, we live in a real world.  What we can do is give them tools to battle evil in their own hearts.  I think that is what God requires of us, and the rest is truly up to Him.

The Good Stuff

Parenting is not for the faint of heart.  I cannot complain in any way about any of my kids.  They have their struggles and drama, but I know that it is kid stuff in the grand scheme of things.  Today my heart is heavy for families that have committed to doing the real heavy lifting in their homes.  Some of the best parents I know are dealing with the things that make up my worst nightmares.  I know that God is good.  God sees all of this and God is not going to let them be crushed by the struggles their children have.  I have to hang on to that.

Knowing how challenging life can be makes me incredibly grateful for things like flat tires.  Yesterday my sweet daughter called to tell me she had a flat.  Totally flat.  No, I had not done awesome parenting and taught her to change her own tire.  In my defense, once we got the spare on it was just as flat as the flat, so really it wouldn't have helped.  My husband came in on his white horse and got all five tires back up and rolling.  While he was doing what knights in shining armor do, I walked downtown and bought Brook lunch.  We got to walk and talk.  Another  precious, unscheduled moment that I could treasure when she flies away.

I'm grateful for road trips.  We spent at least 12 hours of family time this weekend in the big white van driving across the state.  The girls got to shop for Easter dresses together.  We played Heads Up in the car all together.  We sang badly.  We stopped for pizza in the college town where Rick spent his freshman year.  We just got to be together.

I'm thankful that in God's providence we are all at home this year.  I hadn't planned on having kids move out so soon.  I am glad that for their last year at home we were home a lot more than we have been for the last several years.  We don't have a heavy track schedule since our girls can only compete as JV this year.  Karst is still in Jr. High so their lacrosse schedule is manageable.  It has been a really good year to spend time together as a family before we start having some big kids move on.

I am thankful that my big problems are extremely small.  I have complications, but not scary stuff.  My words of wisdom to other parents out there is to cut parents a lot of slack.  We all have a hard job.  Raising people is not easy.  When you see parents that have to make really hard choices with their kids, don't judge.  The truth is you don't know a tenth of it.  They need a hug.  They need you to lift them up in prayer.  They could likely use dinner, or even lunch.  Instead of speculating on how they failed in some aspect of parenting, give them some support.  Believe me they have more than enough judgement, but what they need is encouragement. 

I am also thankful for every one of the people in my home.  I think I will give them each a high five for getting out of bed.  I am going to praise them big time for reading books, mine don't generally love books, but that is okay, they are young.  I am going to make them a great dessert tonight so that they taste the sweetness that they are to me.  I am going to embarrass them tomorrow at their track meet by cheering too loudly.  They are all awesome, and they all need a hug.  I don't want to miss one more opportunity to show them how much they mean to me.

Holding on to little moments

I'm trying to savor the little moments with my older girls during this busy season.  I know that this will likely be the last spring frenzy they will be under my roof.  I am terrible at saying goodbye, so I just want to hold on to the little things they do every day that I know I will miss like crazy next year.  Right now, Mads is sitting at the dining room table with her earbuds in humming and doing homework.  Brook sat and asked me what I think she should do for the coming week since she will be on break from a couple of her classes.  I had other things to do, but I intentionally sat and listened and helped her think it through.  Little things, but they are what my life is all about.

The Haunting Fear

I spend a lot of time laying in bed in breathtaking fear that I am ruining my children.  The knowledge that I have these little beings made in the image of God joyfully singing, eating, talking, playing, watching tv, eating, reading, building things, and eating some more, all under my watch is terrifying.  I am responsible for not only feeding them and keeping them clean and clothed, I am responsible for all of the education they get.  They learn way too much by watching me, listening to me, and following me around all day long.  Now that I am responsible to teach them everything it makes me kind of sick most of the time.

The thing that scares me the most is that they are so impressionable.  I am looking at them through the lens of my own weakness, shortcomings and sin.  They have so much potential.  Most of them are smarter than I am and more spiritually aware than I am.  I am painfully aware that I am not capable of giving them all that they need to be the people God created them to be.  I am afraid that I will limit them by trying to keep my life manageable.  Mostly I am afraid that I will steal their joy by living in my own constant fear of ruining their lives.  They don't understand my bizarre behavior because my burden is invisible to them.  I think they just think I am a crazy lady that had way too many children.  They love being in a large family, but they are not at all interested in managing one of their own.  That right there starts the fear talk chattering in my head.

A very wise women told me recently that I can't be a fantastic mom and housekeeper and a amazing teacher at the same time.  She has tried to take the middle ground in all spheres and be satisfied with that.  Now if I tried to compare my middle ground to her middle ground it would become pretty laughable.  Her oldest is in residency in some specialty I can't even spell, and she has done some incredibly intense parenting of children from hard places, on top of the fact that I have helped her clean her house before events a couple of times and am well aware that her regular cleaning schedule includes things I have never done at my house.  I love her dearly and appreciate her advice.  I hope God is as generous with my middle ground as he has been with hers.  We did both agree that technology has played a big part in wrecking a lot of great educational opportunities to get lost in some great books, and killed a lot of joy of parenting due to the amount of time it requires to monitor.  But alas, God has brought this wilderness to our lives to be conquered for his glory.

I have been wrestling all day with how to conquer this debilitating fear.  Prayer and faith are all that come to mind.  That and repentance, repentance, repentance and getting up and trying again to stop doing it my own self.  Keeping an eternal perspective helps, although if I start to look too far down the road that is when the fear gets really dark and scary.  Maybe just having enough faith to make today the best day that it can be, and letting God spoon feed me for a while in that way.  Most nights it just looks like a pathetic woman on her knees gasping for breath hoping that God will cover all the dumb things I did in front of my kids all day.  I wake up in the morning, chow down on God's word, ask my kids for forgiveness and assure them that God is a lot more gracious than I am.  I know that he is, he chose me, and I am less pathetic than I was when he covered me with his love. 

I am thankful for Costco, trees that turn into flower gardens in the spring, cloudscapes that make you want to pull over and sing, neighbors that keep me humble in a multitude of ways, children dancing, fun music, pretty dresses, the fellowship of moms that encourage one another not to give up, wind that bites my ears and makes me walk faster than I meant to, letters of intent for my daughters to run track I didn't believe that day would ever come, sisters having lunch together like grown ups.

Short spurts

I'm thinking about changing the name of my blog to The Crazytown Journal.  It seems more fitting for this phase of life.

My boys helped me with laundry today.  My very favorite wool sweater that I used my Christmas money to purchase, was a casualty of our war on laundry.  I had put it in the washer on gentle cycle fully expecting to pull it out and lay it to dry.  I forgot.  This morning Nesradine is sporting the finest Smartwool sweater on the block.  Bronwyn cheerfully pointed out that I managed to keep it my size for three months.  Two lessons were learned here: 1. NEVER buy anything with special laundering needs when you live with 11 other people who may or may not help with the laundry from time to time.  2.  What was I thinking buying an expensive sweater in the first place?  My $5 fleece from Old Navy looks great and still fits.  I repent of materialism and I am glad someone gets a good laugh out of it.

My schedule has become unmanageable and I am powerless to control it.  This is where I confess that I cannot manage my life on my own.  I need my higher power (God of the Bible) and really I need grandparents, a nanny, school, and a good therapist.  I signed up to do concessions for our 4-H program this weekend.  I showed up for the wrong shift, but at the right location!  50% is still failing, and there you go.

Homeschooling is proving to be a love it/hate it deal.  I love spending time with my kids and giving them some individual time.  Unfortunately I have numbers of kids that exceed my ability to a good job of this for all of them.  I have not figured out how to find quiet time at any hour of the day or night, causing me to have very unhealthy thoughts from time to time.  I think homeschooling can be a wonderful thing with the right resources and management.  I will be homeschooling again next year, I just don't know how many or what it will look like.  My girls really enjoy pub schooling, and we are going to work more on that.

I am thankful for Logos School, KH and the hours she has given to my daughter, spring, sunshine on my face, boys that help with laundry, girls that pick up my kids at school, crazy schedules that change at the drop of a hat, and all the braincells that are stimulated by the chaos of life, God for giving me hope that all this mess will glorify Him in spite of my inability to manage it well.

Sundae's, Gifts, Educational Fun

I have not been faithful to my blog lately for a plethora of reasons.  I have a very short attention span and a house full of interruptions.  I have been struggling lately with an urge to rant about things that are beyond my control, and really, no one needs to read about that.  I don't have enough time to sit down and write anything worthwhile.  The downside of this is that life is speeding by, and I will forget what we have been doing if I don't stop and put something down  in writing.

Here is my week in review: 
We started a Sunday tradition of having a waffle breakfast after church, thank you Zasadney family for the brilliant idea.  On Sunday evening we have sundae's, thank you Hoffman family for the brilliant idea.  I have discovered that little traditions like this make my children happy, and are simple ways for me to bring in some fun, which is not something that I am naturally inclined to.

Monday I decided that I needed my Bible study group even if it meant my kids blew off school on Monday mornings.  Much to my surprise, all the children were up, with their beds made, and working on their school work when I returned.  I was very tempted to just stay out of the house all of the time and see if they became more diligent when I am absent.  I will not push my luck here, and will hope that this coming week goes as well.

Tuesday was fairly uneventful.  Chemistry lab went well, no explosions to date.  I even had a few extra little people which was actually quite nice.  They played with toys that hadn't been played with in a while, and I discovered that their little destructive habits are much less annoying when they only happen occasionally instead of every.single.day over and over.

Wednesday was a typical hump day.  We had a head cold enter into our realm which kept several of us subdued.

Thursday I made some Iraqi lamb dish for Karsten's geography class.  It smelled delicious, but took a chunk out of my morning that I hadn't planned out very well.  We had art in the afternoon which was a very, messy, good time.

Friday we did a little bit of reading and math in the morning followed by a field trip in the afternoon.  It all started as a trip to Scarywood with some friends from Spokane.  Most of our trips tend to grow in number of people and events and this was no exception.  I wanted to give my younger kids something fun and educational to do, so our friend Max, who works at KHQ in Spokane, gave us a tour of the station.  We got to watch the 5:00 news film, and Nes got to sit under the desk while they gave a live update.  You never know what might be sitting behind that desk besides a very composed journalist.  It will make for a good option the next time he plays "I never."  We went from there to Coeur d'Alene, where my friend Deaun made us all dinner.  We counted heads and it had grown to 30 people for dinner.  We were shockingly well behaved and didn't break anything.  From there 17 people went north to Scarywood, and 7 people went south to Moscow, and the rest went to bed.  This is another tradition in the making.  Scarywood in October and the bonus trip to Silverwood with our free tickets in May.

Saturday has been a day of cooking and cleaning and planning for the week ahead.  We have a few kids still in Coeur d'Alene, one extra kid here with us for a week, and the rest of the too live crew.

Things I learned this week that I don't want to forget:
Bite my tongue when I am tempted to criticise anyone for anything.  Think of a way to make my point in the positive.  No one likes to hear about everything they are doing wrong, and they will strive for more positive comments if I can get myself to make them.

Point out my children's God given gifts.  Sometimes it is obvious to me, but it isn't obvious to them.  They need to know what God has given them that He wants them to use to bless others.  They don't tend to think in those terms, but once they feel like they have a gift to bless with, they really want to share it.

As and older mom, I need to be more aware of what is happening with the younger moms.  It is very easy for me to get caught up in my own life and worries and forget that I can be very helpful to a younger mom with very little effort.  I need to be available to listen to things that they are concerned about and encourage them that this too shall pass.  I can offer to watch little ones pretty easily.  My older kids like to play with younger kids and that can be a huge blessing to someone else, and really to my family as well.  It is good for us to have toddlers in the house so we can appreciate how much energy they have.

Plan some fun things into each week.  The break in the routine is good for us all.  An afternoon covered in paint, or doing an obstacle course can really recharge some of my kids.  It also makes for some really fun memories.

No matter how well I think I have prepared for an art project, it will always be messy.  Don't get stressed out by paint on the table, and always wear something you don't care about getting splattered.

Two Week Check In

Here are some of my early reviews on homeschooling. 

First of all I love being at home.  I love having time to bake cookies, do the laundry, read to my kids, plan a garden, and just be at home.  I think this may be the main thing in keeping the main thing the main thing.  When I am home centered I feel less frantic and more focused on what is really important to me and my family.  I hope that isn't overly selfish, so I will meditate on it a bit more.

Second, I am realizing that this idea of education is very broad.  Having a good workable definition of a good education is really not a one size fits all deal.  I have two children that are still at school and I think it is the best education that I can give them.  There are at least two of my children that I think would be crushed by that particular form of education.  That leaves five that I am still trying to figure out.  They may do well either way and I just need to spend some time reflecting on what areas they need to emphasize.  I know that I cannot give them all of the information and activities they would get if they were at school, but we can talk about things at home that are important to us that might get overlooked at school.  We also have a little bit more creative space at home since we don't have to conform to an outside schedule.  There are definitely strengths and weaknesses to any education method and I think it takes a lot of prayer and studying your children to know where they will do the best.  Resources are a big limiting factor and those have to be considered as well.

Third, knowing your community and learning to go with it's flow are important.  We live in an academic community that has a definite academic calendar.  Trying to do school at home when everyone else is on vacation will make you a not so friendly neighbor.  Once everyone got into school mode, life just got a whole lot smoother.  We can have our school time and still be able to be social with folks outside of our house.

Fourth, sometimes the best education is just plain learning how to live life.  There is a comfort in structure that allows you to bop along without thinking much about why you are doing what you are doing.  When that structure is removed and you have to figure out what to do next learning how to make wise choices is a valuable lesson.  Some of my children just need to learn how to live with others and manage their time well.  If they learn a little Algebra too, wonderful.  They have a long time to learn a lot of things, the best thing I can teach them is to think for themselves.

We aren't doing any activities outside of school right now, which leaves a very open schedule.  That may have made a difference last year, but who knows?  I am enjoying having time with the kids.  We are learning how to live with one another and let love cover a multitude of sins.  We are getting a taste of college life and living with international people.  The kids are planning the twelve days of Christmas with a different country's traditional Christmas dinner every night.  This could get crazy expensive, but it will be memorable.  I am enjoying some fantastic late summer weather, and the bounty of Soren's garden.  Life is full and it is good.  I just need to keep reminding myself that being full is a good thing and walking slowly is not bad.

How to Fill 24 Hours

I have had several people tell me that home schooling is going to be really hard, especially with eight children.  I do realize this.  On the flip side, any kind of schooling is hard especially with eight children.  Getting out of bed is hard, especially with eight children.  I know, I didn't pick the easy road, if you don't remind me my dad will.  I have been told this ever since I announced I was pregnant with my third child.  Granted life hasn't been "easy" but it has been a lot of fun.  It has also been much better than being dead, so I will just have to do the work and see how it all turns out.  I know that there is more to do with eight children, but really anyone who has any children feels like they have their hands full, and they do.  There is some economy of scale with a large number of children.  Grocery shopping for example is not necessarily exponentially more time consuming, you just use a bigger cart.  Older children can entertain, and educate younger children.  I don't have to spend a lot of time figuring out play dates, since we are a continual party.  So, I refuse to play the, "I have nine children"card and should therefore have an excuse to get out of any other responsibilities.

I have been trying to figure out what I have been saying on my blog that leads people to surmise that I think homeschooling will be easier than having them all at school.  If there is anyone out there that thinks they all go off to school and then I head off to the spa to get my nails done, let me just tell you that that has happened all of two times in my entire life.  Most of the time I spend the next hour cleaning up the kitchen from the aftermath of breakfast and lunch prep, throw a couple of loads of laundry in the washer and head to the grocery store.  I did quit my job at the church (I'll miss getting to know everyone better, but not as much as I miss taking a walk everyday).  What did I do with my extra twenty hours last week?  I spent it at home with two sick children.  We did some home work (school at home).  We read some books, played some cards, and I cleaned up while they slept.  I did take a walk everyday which made me very happy.  There is a simple law of life here, if you remove one thing from your schedule something else will come in to fill it up, and not necessarily what you had hoped would come in to fill it up.  At the end of the day we all get twenty four hours.  We will fill it with something, most likely something we love, or something for someone we love.  I thought it would be helpful for me, and maybe for you, if I jot down some of the things I love, and some of the things I don't love.  I know everyone has a different list, so maybe this will make my priorities make a little more sense, even if they differ from yours.

I love to be outside.  I love to exercise, not running marathons, but getting outside and getting a little bit out of breath.  I love reading.  I don't really care if it is fiction, or children's literature, as long as it isn't a text book written to be read out loud in a dry monotonous voice, or a contract full of details.  I love to cook.  I really love to eat, which drives me to cook, because in small towns you don't get a lot of variety in the eateries.  I love to get to know people.  I really like to listen to people and try to figure out what makes them tick.  I love to have people over and feed them, it's the best of both worlds.  I love to spend time with my kids.  I love it when they ask me questions while we are out walking.  I love to watch them compete in athletic events.  I actually love helping them work through the anxiety of getting ready for competition and helping them calm their spirits and focus on doing their best before the Lord.  Praying with them and feeling their breathing start to slow down and calmness wash over them is the best part of the meet.  I really don't care how they finish, I care how they start.  I love to have time to sit an listen, to let a conversation go where it needs to.  This is a rare jewel, and with this many people around me all the time I try to savor it when it appears.  I also love order.  This can be a big frustration of mine and I have to fight against it often.  Really I love sorting out the toys into neat little bins, it makes me feel like all is right with the world, maybe that is where I let my control issues run wild.

Things I don't love are interruptions.  I don't love long meetings that seem to go nowhere. My short attention span is not helpful in these situations.  This seems to be a contradiction to my previous statement that I love to listen to people and figure out what makes them tick, hmmm.  I think I love to listen to people talk about who they are, but when it comes to things needing to get done, I go straight to the let's do and skip the maybe we shoulds.  I don't love waiting for decisions to be made.  I don't love waiting in doctor's offices.  I don't love shopping.  Wandering around stores for hours trying on clothes sounds exhausting and torturous.  I don't love loud places (like my family room on most evenings).  I don't love small talk.  I don't love sitting in traffic, although I don't mind driving.  I don't love being away from home all day.  I don't love sitting around with nothing to do, although I don't love having work hanging over my head either.  I don't love loose ends.

I'm sure this says all kinds of interesting things about my personality.  It will be interesting to see if anyone says, "that's not true!"  I'm not above blind spots, but really this is what I think I love and don't love.  Most of all I love God and the family he has given me.  Some of them share my loves, and some of them don't.  I have learned to love some of the things they love, because I love to see them in their element.  This weekend there were two time where one of my daughters and I were thinking the exact same thing at the exact same time.  I think it freaked her out just a bit, but she really is like me, only much better.  Maybe she will find this helpful.

Things I am thankful for...

Forks in the road, take it!

Getting in the car after church and having every single child say, "that was a great sermon!"

Finding pictures of quotes written on hands from the sermon, it was that good

The spirit of God stirring up my children to hunger to see new places and new people

Tears when we leave Grandpa's house

Boys wrestling outside

Grass stained jeans in April

Singing Happy Birthday to Grandpa for his "44th" birthday

The smell of roast when you open the door

Grandma's homemade desserts

Living rooms full of bodies just hanging out together

Phone calls from friends who say, "I just read your blog..."

Big brothers dancing the night away with their sisters

I am powerless over my schedule

I am powerless over my schedule and my life has become unmanageable.  I have a higher power that created the universe and everything in it good, and here I am.  How do I get to the place where I come home as the light is beginning to dawn to my son finishing a homework assignment that is due this morning, three kids running to the showers, one child sitting ready to go but looking like they just lost their best friend, an email reminding me that I need to organize a fundraiser for this weekend, a house that needs to be picked up before the 30 people coming over this evening arrive, and my attitude tanking?  Who am I trying to impress?

As my days fill up and overflow I have to think long and hard about who I need to keep my commitments to.  It is easy to let my quiet time fill up with noise.  It is easy to let me overflow spill onto my older kids and my husband.  Those who are closest to me get the least of me, and that is not right.

I'm just going to have to get humble and start letting people know that I have taken on too much.  My kids need me.  My husband needs me.  I need God.  All the other stuff is going to have to be left undone.  Mediocre is going to have be good enough.  If God is happy with it, and Rick is happy with it then everyone else is just going to have to be disappointed.  This is making my chest tighten as I type.

Here is my advice to those who still have some semblance of order in their lives.  Stick close to God at all times.  Make time to be in His word and prayer, don't let life encroach on that.  Write down the things that you love, the things that make you happy and that give you energy.  Those are gifts, thank God for them, protect them.  If you don't write them down you will forget them, and they will start to slip away as more demands are brought into your life.  Make a date night with your husband.  Make it once a week if at all possible, and if not at least every other week.  I know it sounds crazy to some of you, but DO IT!  As your kids get older watch them, learn what gifts God has given to them, write those down too.  Protect their time so that they can develop the things they love.  If you don't pay attention to these things life will start coming at you and pull you in directions you never meant to go.

Rick and I recently started to talk and pray and write down the things that are important to us.  We have looked at our lives and realized that somewhere along the line we veered off course.  Today we wake up an wonder how in the world this happened.  The good news is that we see it.  We are taking steps to make course corrections to get us back to a path that will take us where we had dreamed of going.  We have a lot of great things going in our lives, but they have ceased to be blessings and have become burdens.  Some are things I thought would be good for our children, they are free, they are wonderful, and my children hate it.  Some are things my children wanted to do and they sounded good at the time, but we didn't count the cost.  Some are just plain stupid lack of planning.  Some were unexpected surprises brought by God to get my head up so I can see correctly.

We live in a community full of blessings.  It is a feast for the soul, but like any feast we need wisdom and self control.  I need to look to God and ask what is good for me, and how much is enough.  Some of these blessings are meant for someone else, and I should not be so greedy.  I need to learn to say "no, thank you."  I need to stop when we are full.  When I have over consumed I need to stop moaning, deal with the pain like a big kid, and learn my lesson.  I need to repent of my lack of self control and do my best to make it right.  It is all too easy to think that just because a blessing is right in front of you, you should grab it.  Sometimes the righteous thing to do is to thank God and walk away.  He provides so much more than we can even wish for, we need to have the wisdom to recognize that we don't need to pack it all into our life.

I need to get back to the basics.  I need my quiet time with God every morning, studying His word is important to me, and flows out to the rest of my life.  We have been parched for too long from my lack in this.  I need the fellowship of good friends, friends that know me well enough to tell me when I am being stupid and blind.  Reading to my children is a delight to me and to them.  Getting outside to play is so important for every one's peace of mind.  Our evenings are precious right now and I need to be careful not to let them fill up with things that distract us from what needs to be done.  I need to protect my kids from feeling like they are failing when the fault is mine.  I am recognizing that most of all I need to slow down.  There are a lot people around us that can go farther, faster, and I am glad to watch them go.  We live in an impressive community and God has been so very good to us all.  I just need to remember to breathe, and to give my kids space to discover who they are.  I've been trying to stuff them into a mold that isn't for us.  Forgive me Lord, and lead me back to the narrow way you made just for us.

I'm thankful for...

Kids with tans

Ducks sitting in cold water

Jr. High plays, they are memorable

Friends who keep me on task

Doctors who learn so very much and love their patients

Teachers who spend so much time with my kids

Prayer warriors that sustain me when I know nothing of it

Education in so many different forms

Spring always full of surprises

Sleep, oh how I miss you

Dentists that keep our teeth in our heads, and sometimes even white

Happy Birthday Nes

Today is Nesradine's eighth birthday.  He requested lasagna, and chocolate cheesecake for his birthday dinner.  He had sent a birthday wish list to his grandparents the day after Karsten's birthday.  One of the first things he memorized after he joined our family was the order of birthdays.  This was actually rather impressive for a four year old that barely knew English, and had nine people to keep in order.  He had asked for a Wii, K'nex, Legos, Avengers, white pants, and black pants.  He got the pants, and some how talked one of the guys from camp into getting him Avengers.  He got money from the grandparents and is determined to get a Wii. While we were at the cousins he discovered Kendama's, I decided that would be a fabulous gift, so I got him one.  He loves it, but it is driving Soren crazy.  I found out later that Martha has nearly knocked out two people that have let her play with theirs.  Things I should have thought longer about.

Nesradine is still the sweetest kid on the planet.  He is very concerned about other people.  He shares his stuff, and will give you whatever you ask for before he takes his share.  He is tough.  He plays sports with the big kids and rarely ever cries.  He will take a hit, brush off and dive right back into the game.  He does have a keen sense of fairness, and if he thinks he is getting cheated he keeps at you until you make it right.  If you ask him for something he will give it, but if you take it he will hunt you down.

He has blessed me far more than I have blessed him.  He is affectionate, and patient with me.  He has had some emotional times, but they are few and far between.  I am hopeful that we will be able to return to Ethiopia and see his mom.  He is very concerned about who his dad is, and I hope that someday he will find those answers.  For now we tell him that God is his father, and Rick is too.  He has all the protection and love he needs, even though we know that he will always ache for the parents he has lost.  I have so much hope for him and all the people that he touches.

I'm thankful for...

Adoption

Birthday cakes made by big sisters

Late flights that give extra days in CA

Disney land

Gifts from guys who are really sweet and shouldn't have

Families singing Happy Birthday

Pink cheeks and big smiles

Another memorable road trip

Spring break started off with some unexpected twists.  We were headed to the west side when our tires started to do the wobble.  We made it to semi-civilization and got the tire changed which we thought was the end of our troubles.  In hind sight this would have been a good time to turn around, but that was not what we did.  We pressed on, only to lose our tread in the middle of I-90 coming down Snoqualmie Pass.  Les Schwab came and changed the tire on the freeway.  We drove in to town and had the rest of the studs taken off and new tires put on.  Once again, we were sure we had all problems solved.  We got back on the freeway and headed west.  Not  ten minutes later I asked what smelled like burning rubber, right as Karsten noticed that there was smoke coming into the van.  We pulled over and ran up the bank to make sure if the car burst into flames we weren't too close.  I'm sure the folks on the freeway found this amusing.  We ended up getting back in the car and taking back roads to our destination.  We did make it to where we were headed.  On the way back we were still getting smoke in the car, and ended up leaving the van in Seattle.  Lord willing Rick will pick it up tomorrow and bring it home.  I don't want to say that too confidently, since the fat lady has not yet sung.

Fortunately a lot of really fun stuff happened in between stops alongside the freeway.  It made me appreciate my family.  They hung out in McDonald's, sat in the van not moving for over an hour, and made the most of sitting together in places we hadn't planned to be.  There was no fighting, no blaming, a little bit of crying (losing your tread at 70 mph is a little scary), but all in all they smiled and laughed more than they fussed.  On the way home we had guests, not sure they will ever ride with us again, but what can I say?  They even had a bit of fun looking for a mechanic on a Sunday afternoon in a van, that smelled of burning petroleum products, full of children, and a frazzled lady.  There is nothing like a little adversity to bond people together.

We spent the weekend with friends we hadn't seen since September.  It was a really great time of learning from each other, and laughing together.  We talked about things that are not part of our regular conversation, and it was really good.  We also saw that God is working mightily in this group of people.  I was so encouraged by their vision and their commitment to hard things.  I'm glad we made it. It was really good for the kids too.  They deepened relationships with friends, and saw how blessed they have been.

Rick, Brook, and Karsten made it to the airport, probably in record time.  They borrowed a car and headed south ahead of us.  Two of them were in California before we made it to the airport.  They are enjoying the sun and surf.  I'm so glad they got to take a break this week.  My Mom met us at SeaTac and took two more to her beach.  She had to take a detour through north Seattle on the way home, for which I am very grateful.  We meant to stop on the way down, but were too distracted by worrying whether or not the car was going to catch on fire, and where we were going to stay that night.  I have a hilarious text from a good friend with mechanical skills.  His advice was good and if he hadn't mentioned that I might need a fire extinguisher I might have taken it.

I ended up spending an extra night in Seattle while I waited for a mechanic to be available on Monday. Rick did  a lot of Internet research while on his trip and found me a rental car, and a mechanic, and gave me an exit strategy.  I have to admit my cool in adversity was thin at best.  Fortunately I had a couple of friends who hung out with us for the evening who made it much more tolerable.  I'm not sure what I would have come up with on my own.  I had called my SIL to come and  pick up the kids.  She was willing to make the two and a half hour drive, and really, looking back that would have been the most fun for the kids and a whole lot cheaper for me.  I didn't want to burden her like that so I told her not to come.  It was really good just to know that she would have.

I guess in the end that was the biggest lesson in the whole thing.  With every trial there is blessing.  My family was there when I needed them.  My friends were there offering help, prayer, and laughter.  I wasn't alone.  God took care of us every step of the way.  I had a moment of realization as we were sitting next to the freeway.  I realized that if I had been in Bandung I would have been much less composed than I should have been.  My adventurous spirit is not as free as I had hoped.  I really just wanted to be home where I felt safe.  I love my comfort zone.  I felt very vulnerable alongside the road with my kids and friends waiting on me to figure out what to do next.  I was confused.  It took me longer than it should have to look up and ask God what in the world I was supposed to do about this.  He was faithful while I wandered stupidly.  I should have looked up when we started to wobble and ask where to go from here, maybe we would have been told to keep going, we did and I am grateful for the time we had on Saturday.

I'm thankful for....

Doctors that have stuck with some crazy career choices for over 20 years

Roadside assistance

Car insurance

Friends that can laugh among tires in a sketchy garage run by Omar

That Madie didn't leave me

That Rick had Internet access and persistence

Prayers from many people that kept us going

Committed Christians who dedicate their lives to a vision and keep at it for years on end

People that have traveled hard roads and aren't afraid to share it with new friends

Stories that inspire us to be better people

A God who keeps me in His hand at all times

Sunshine on the mountains

Spring flowers blooming along the sound

Children, there are never too many

Families that are so much better than I deserve

Opportunities to make memories




Road trips that are bumpy and get better every time you tell the tale

Car advice long distance

Teens and holes in the walls

My life is very, very full.  It is good, it flies by quickly.  I need to commit to writing on my blog on a regular basis.  Even if it is only posting a picture, that is semi-focused just so I don't forget all that is happening around me.

My Mom spent a month in Arizona, and arrived back in the very chilly northwest early this week.  She drove over to retrieve her car and her dog.  Note, her dog, not my dog, yay!  Karsten turned 13 on Monday.  I had the day off of work on Tuesday.  I had a haircut in the morning, and then we went out for lunch and manicure.  I have to say, that could be addictive.  The sun was even shining, which means it was pretty much the perfect day.

Mom left town, we had parish group dinner at our house, and the next day Brant and Rachel and crew rolled in.  My house is feeling the effects of lots of bodies, lots of food, lots of feet, lots of people sleeping everywhere.  I have one broken window, and one butt print in the sheet rock.  My teenage son learned that wrestling at 13 does a lot more damage than wrestling at 5.  My introvert side is screaming for a little quiet time, but I am training it to make the most of what it gets and be content with constant streams of social interaction.

In the midst of all this my oven has been dead for two weeks.  I could seriously use a fresh baked chocolate chip cookie, maybe that is God's way of giving me a Lenten fast.  I have been maximizing my 22 qt roaster that I bought as the turkey roaster for Thanksgiving.  If you have a kitchen and you think you need to get a second oven, let me tell you those roaster's are the bomb.  I think I got mine for right around $40.  It has baked cakes, cheesecakes, giant batches of sausage stew, baked potatoes, and turkey.  I am loving it!  My new oven actually made it into town on Friday, but so did Brant and Rachel so I asked them to hang onto it until things in the house settled down.  I have had more than my fair share of broken appliances, and home improvement projects during large family gatherings.  I have learned that it is worth the wait to have a little less chaos when there are extra people in the house.

My kids had a few dicey moments this week, and I have to say I am so impressed with them.  They have handled all of the chaos graciously.  They have managed their homework, jobs, social lives, family, chores and sleep well.  They have been helpful to me, and to their friends.  God is good, and I am so grateful that He has kept us in His hand.  Every time I am sure we are headed for a disaster, things shake out and all is well.  They have a much better grip on life than I ever have, glory to God!

I am thankful for...

Cousins cheering each other on

Girls dressing up and dancing together

Lots of bodies filling my house with love

Pretty fingernails

Mothers of teenagers, seeing faith working out

Martha telling me she likes me, unsolicited

Holes in the wall, signs of good times

Work and all the food it supplies

Friends taking care of my kids, just because they want to

A Variety of Gifts

First of all, I feel like I need to make plug for Rachel Jankovic's new book Fit to Burst.  I sat down and read two chapters yesterday and it was a great encouragement.  What I appreciate the most is that she is tough on what needs to be taken down, and encouraging where moms need a little pat on tush and push back into the game.  It doesn't matter where you are in life, with kids, without kids, thinking about kids, watching other people's kids playing in the park, it is just about living in the world with other people and being Christ to them.  It's also got some great one liners, in fine Wilson style.  I highly recommend it.

In my own life of abundance, mayhem and joy, I am increasingly grateful for the variety of gifts God has filled our house with.  The ones in shiny paper piling up in the corner of my room, and the ones that spill milk on the table, drop their dirty socks on the floor and are constantly hungry.  I had made the executive decision not to do Christmas cards this year.  I decided the expense and the time commitment were too much, so I would just let them slide.  We received our first pile in the mail yesterday, and it became apparent that everyone thought I was way out in bah humbug land.  I have two ladies in my home that have much more skill in the area of photo design than I do, so the cards may be late, like Epiphany, hopefully before Easter, but they will be coming.  We have a few things like that.  Things that the kids are much better at than I am.  The issue becomes time management.  What's more important, geometry or Christmas cards?  It's a rhetorical question, but it illustrates the point.  The world says geometry, and my kids do too, so how do I fit in Christmas cards?

This is where I start thinking crazy things like, "maybe we should homeschool."  A bit reactionary?  Maybe.  There are an increasing number of things I really want our family to be able to do, that don't fit the school schedule.  I do believe education is important, but I don't believe that it trumps everything else.  What I believe even more strongly is that education can look very different in each and every family.  Even in our small school community there are folks that spend hours doing homework and extra-curricular activities, and others that give homework an allotted time, and then put it down to do other things.  This is something I have been thinking about since Madie started kindergarten.  We have done a variety of things in the past, and who knows what will happen in the future?  This year we are all happily at school and I am very grateful for the amazing teachers, and administration that we have been blessed by for the last six years.  The school is not a problem, it is just a scheduling issue I wrestle with.

One of the huge advantages of having the kids at school is that they get to explore gifts that I don't have and would probably neglect to expose them to.  I have a couple of kids that are gifted artists, who knew?  They didn't get it from me, and I would not know how to nurture those gifts the way other artists can.  They have been given training in art, music, athletics, writing, drama, storytelling, movie-making, that I wouldn't have had the first clue how to do.  Different kids have gravitated to different areas.  It has kept me on my toes, trying to learn about the things that they are interested in.  I am learning to love what they love, and not try to fit them in a little me mold.  It is easy to drag them along to all the things I like to do, but I need to be willing to go to the things they like to do. 

I am seeing more and more that my attitude towards things is more powerful than I realized.  I really can't stand girl's basketball.  Honestly I was a tall gangly 7th grader.  There were three girls in my graduating class that went on to play basketball in college, two of them at division 1 schools.  They pretty much threw me around the court for two years in Jr. High.  The refs don't bother calling fouls in Jr. High because it takes too much time.  My rules Nazi side found that really frustrating.  I remembered it being an unpleasant experience, but it was a vague feeling.  Two years ago Brook really wanted to play.  I told her she could, and dutifully sat through the season gnawing on my tongue, so that I didn't embarrass her or the school by telling the refs what I thought of the way they handled the game.  Apparently I made my opinions about girl's basketball clear enough that Brook has never gone out since.  I'm not completely sure that is a bad thing in this case, but I try to keep my negative experience to myself.  My kids are going to excel in some areas where I stink.  They are going to have gifts in areas where I am a blockhead.  I need to be supportive and encouraging whenever possible.  I realize I do have boundaries, and I hope that they aren't too far off.  I'll be at every track meet, in every event, if I can just stay out of the gym when the girls are playing hoop.  Sorry girls, it's just not my thing.  I'll do my best to give grace to the rest of the activities that they kids want to try out.

All of this means that for this season of life I need to let some things that I love to do sit on the back burner.  Sometimes I have to forgo book group to be at a basketball game.  Sometimes I have to figure out how to put enough money aside so that I can hire someone to help hone a skill that I don't have at all.  It takes time, money, attention, and giving some things up.  Watching the kids mature in some of their skills is so worth the sacrifice.  They can make our home and our family richer.  They provide a broader perspective.  They can encourage one another and spur each other on to greater accomplishment.  Helen is more diligent in practicing piano, which makes Eden work harder at it so that she can stay ahead.  Bronwyn just might beat Mads in the 100m this year.  Madie knows that, and is pushing herself a little harder in this off season.  The kids are teaching each other Latin.  I apparently butcher the pronunciations, although no one speaks Latin so who cares?  I am just very grateful that they are building a much better family then I could have by myself.  When people ask me how I do it, I know it is by grace, through faith, and that the Holy Spirit is dwelling in us richly.  He covers a multitude of sins.  He shows His strength in our weakness.  It is nothing I have ever done or am doing that keeps us going.  I trust in Jesus every single day.  I start with His Word before I have breakfast.  I thank him for a night of some sort of sleep, and sunrise no matter what.  I lay my plan before Him, knowing that He will revise it.  In the end, I know that His story is much, much better than mine would have been without Him.