Another Year

It's hard to believe it has been a year since I met Martha.  I have been reflecting on all that she has accomplished this year.  Looking back it shocks me that she has made so much progress.  In the beginning it seemed rough.  I think that was mostly because I didn't know how long the bumpy patch was.  I was never sure if this behaviour was the new normal, or if it would pass.  Great news, it passed.

Today our family feels comfortable.  Martha is as much a part of the fabric of our family as everybody else.  When she gets upset, or frustrated I know she will get through it.  I think she knows that we are hers.  We may not be the family she imagined for herself, but she knows that God has placed her here.  I told her one day, not too long ago, that someday she would feel about me, the way she feels about her brother in Ethiopia.  She will know that I am here for her always, and that I love her just the way she is.  I am so grateful for the family she has in Ethiopia.  They obviously loved her very much, and she is secure in that.  Even now she knows that she is worth being loved.  That knowledge has gotten her through this transition with amazing grace.  She blesses me everyday with her strength and beauty. 

I asked one of my girls the other day if she thought she might adopt children someday.  She said she didn't know.  Martha and Nesradine have been so easy, and she knows that that isn't always the case.  I'm praying that she realizes that all children have great potential, and that she is much more loving than she realizes yet.  I would love to have grandchildren that come to us from hard places.

It has also been two years, almost, since Nesradine joined our happy throng.  I can't imagine life without him.  He is such a thankful little man.  He has a sweet spirit, and tends to be the peacemaker.  He is not a child that you can ignore.  He wants your attention, and will be quite the ham to get it.  But he also loves people.  He wants them to be happy.  He told me the other day that he has two Mommies that love him.  He is absolutely right.

It has been interesting to watch both of our children struggle to learn English.  I think that is their biggest challenge, even bigger than their health issues.  Reading is a lot of work, and motivating Martha to press on is tough sometimes.  She has learned an incredible amount in the last year, which I try to remind her often.  Nesradine has also had to work harder at reading than Helen has.  There are just some sounds that are completely foreign to them.  Th, ch, and sh throw them every time.  The vowel sounds are also hard to differentiate.  It is especially difficult for Martha since she is older, making her more self-conscious.  I keep reminding her that she knows two languages, not just one.  And that the other children in her class have been working at this for 10 years to her 1.  I know that it will come, and I look forward to the day when she looks back and sees the fruit of her labor.

I am missing my winter trip to Ethiopia.  For the last two years I have had a lovely little break from winter.  This year it will be a long, cold, spell.  I have enjoyed pictures of Ethiopia sent from volunteers, and people ministering there.  It is such a lovely country.  I am praying that Madison and Martha will get to go over in 2012 with a group of AHOPE friends.  They are both really desiring to go see Martha's family, and to volunteer to help the kids that are still there.  Until then we will spend time with other Ethiopians here in the US.  It helps Martha and Nesradine to have a little bit of homesickness lifted.  It also reminds them of all the richness of their culture.  I am so grateful for all of my children and the lessons that they teach me everyday.  God has been very good to us, and continues to grow us in new ways.

New Do, and New Attitude

Jubilee has been asking to get her hair cut since we arrived in the States.  She has beautiful curls, and she usually likes it in a pony tail, so I wasn't sure that she really wanted it short.  It has taken us a few trims, many conversations and looking at pictures to get a cut I think we are both happy with.  There are not too many stylists in our little town that will do African hair, but there are at least two that we have been happy with.  I'm not sure what it is going to look like when it is curly, but I do know that straightening it will not take as much time.  I think her smile is genuine, and today her hair still looks great.

I asked her this morning what she thinks about adoption.  I know she hasn't been here long, so asking her now will be very different than asking her in five years.  I think it is important to consider her perspective in this process because she is still a child, but old enough to want to have some real control in her life.  I asked her what was the hardest part of being adopted.  She said that being part of a family with new brothers and sisters was hard.  She, of course, said English is hard.  I asked her if having a mom was hard.  She just gave me a big smile.  I know that she doesn't want to hurt my feelings, so I don't know if she will tell me that she doesn't like having someone control everything she does.  I know that she does not like to be corrected, she doesn't give back chat, or fight with us, she just gives the big smile and walks away.

She also told me it was hard to leave her friends.  I asked if she liked being able to talk to them on the phone, she said "not really."  That surprised me a little, but I can relate.  Talking on the phone is not nearly as fun as getting a hug, or giggling about things they do, or inside jokes that you just don't get over the phone.  I know she misses being with her friends everyday.  They were her joy, and that is irreplaceable.  I asked her if she liked having older siblings, and she said yes.  I think if she had been the oldest in our family it would have been very hard all around.  She spends a lot of time with the big girls, and I think that feels very comforting.  The little kids are annoying to her, they are little, and naughty.

She has been a trooper this summer.  It has been good to be home together as a family without too many things to distract us.  She has been tutoring at school, which is okay, but she made it clear that she would like to have next summer off.  I told her that would depend on her, and how hard she works this school year.  She is very bright, and is picking up English very well.  I am surprised by her vocabulary.  She incorporates new words quickly.  When she used confused correctly last week I congratulated her.  I think it is happening without her even noticing.  She does get confused when people talk very fast.  I told her it was okay, so do I sometimes.  It is something I need to remember when I am talking to her, slow down, and explain.  I am happy to say that she is fitting right in, and I am delighting in watching her grow.  The social worker in Ethiopia told me to give it eight months at least.  He was orphaned as well, and said that it takes time to adjust.  I know that Jubilee is a very adaptable and sweet girl.  I am very thankful to have her.

Becoming One of Us

Jubilee has been a delight the last couple of weeks.  She has found her niche in the household and is fitting in quite nicely.  Today she came to tell me that she didn't have a chore to do, so she wanted to know if she could clean the bathroom.  I told her she was welcome to, and that she had done a wonderful job when it was her turn.  I have also instituted an hour for hour, reading must happen before Wii and itouch games.  I know there are whole books written on this subject, but if it gets the kids to read for two hours, I will use it.  Jubilee is even reading on her own.  I told her she could read her Amharic books or English, it was up to her.  She is working with her teacher three days a week to help her catch up, and I think she is starting to like school.

She has been very willing to try new things.  She got through swimming lessons, and loves to be at the pool.  I had trouble getting her out of the pool for a few days, but we have gotten  past that, and now she heads out with everybody else.  She is getting more comfortable asking questions about why we do things the way we do.  She is quite chatty sometimes.  She doesn't want to call her friends as much as she did at first.  Sometimes I wish she would call them more, but I'm sure she has her reasons.  She is excited about Madison running for AHOPE.  She considered the AHOPE kids her family.  I think she is doing a lot of processing about her life at AHOPE vs. having a family.  She is starting to see the value in being a part of a family.  I think she is sad for some of her friends that she fears may not get homes.  It is a terrifying thought, and we keep those children in our prayers.  Jubilee is still climbing this mountain, but she is letting us make the climb with her.  She is letting us into her life, and finding her place in ours.  Sometimes when I watch her I start to cry thinking about how far she has come in this very brief time.  I also read my post to her about sharing too much.  I read the comments as well, since there were some really good ones.  I couldn't do it without crying.  She looked at me, and smiled.  She told me it was okay.  I could tell that she knew it was all for good, and that it might help someone else have the courage to bring home another child. 

It is so hard to explain what a joy these children are.  Watching them learn how to live is pretty incredible.  They have spent so much time just surviving.  When they finally start to shed their fear and enjoy all that is before them you can't help but see the mountains move.  Little things like buying a friend a birthday present with their very own money, becomes something very special.  They start to rely on friends, and on sisters.  When I couldn't figure out how to keep her face moisturized, she said "let's call Zoe, she will know."  When I found someone locally who could make real injera, she started making shiro to go with it.  She took command of the kitchen, chopping onions, pouring oil, telling me to wait with the water (I always make it too thick.)  I can tell that she is comfortable in her home.  She knows what to expect.  She knows how to communicate with us, and is trusting us to hear her.  She even had a chest x-ray with absolutely no sadness.  It is sort of weird when it happens.  All of a sudden you wake up one day and realize that you no longer feel like you have a guest in the house, she is one of us.

Sharing Too Much

In the midst of a little cloudburst of sorts yesterday, Jubilee told me that she was unhappy that I was telling people that she was sad everyday and that she is a bad girl.  It took me a minute, before I realized that her friends had been reading my blog and telling her she needed to stop acting that way.  I realized that I hadn't really considered how she would feel about having all of this shared.  I had to ask her to forgive me for sharing information about her without asking her if it was okay first.  Then I explained to her why I was blogging about all of this.

This blog is a place for me to keep track of what's going on in our lives.  I know that I will forget so much, and this is a place for me to keep a record of what we have been doing, for better or for worse.  It is also a place for me to share with other families that are going through similar experiences.  I told Jubilee that I wanted other families to know that all of these girls go through these times.  Almost everyone I have talked to has had times of crawling into bed and not wanting to come out.  They have all had struggles at school.  They have all missed their friends and shed tears for them.  What I want Jubilee to know is that this is all very normal.  It isn't easy, but it is to be expected.  I told her it was okay to feel that way, and crying because it is hard is okay.

I also wanted to assure her, and everyone else that reads this, that I DO NOT think she is a bad girl.  I think she is an amazing, beautiful, strong, courageous, caring, empathetic, bright, compassionate, young lady.  I told her that I am not sure I could make it a mile in her shoes.  She is made of tougher stuff than I am.  I assured her that she is one of my kids just like all the others, and they all get public humiliation on  my blog.  So, here is my public apology to her.

It is true that any deficit in this process is purely mine.  Our social worker had done her best to warn us about how difficult it can be for older children to transition to new families.  It is one thing to know that, it is another to live it out.  I thought I was a much more mature mom than I have turned out to be.  I will openly admit that several of our bad days have been due to my overzealous parenting.  I really want Jubilee to like me, and sometimes I try too hard.  She needs space and time, and I want her to fit into our family fabric right now.  I am learning what it means to love in a Biblical way.  I am getting a good taste of longsuffering, and I am pretty sure I will be tasting it for some time.  I appreciate the comments other moms have left.  You have pointed out some things that I really need to think about.  I have expected Jubilee to sort of hit the ground running, and not given her enough time to just reflect.  It is a work in progress, and I am hoping that at the end of the journey I will be a better mother than I was at the beginning.  I thank you all for your patience with me on this little ride.  I have been given nine precious gifts in my life, and they are making me a better person one little crisis at a time.

Still Don't Know

We have been thinking through how to give back to AHOPE.  Mads is interested in running a half marathon to raise funds to meet some needs for the AHOPE kids in Ethiopia.  We were hoping we could meet some specific needs, so we have been trying to determine what those might be.  I asked Jubilee if she could think of  any.  She told me they needed another stove so that dinner wouldn't take so long.  I will have to check on that one.  Then she thought they needed a big party with lots of candy.  I guess I will have to define need and want next time.  I asked both girls what they thought about doing a fund for helping a family interested in adopting one of the older children at big AHOPE.  They both hesitated at this idea, and honestly I had trouble getting excited about it too.  I've been trying to reconcile what the misgiving is.

I think it stems from knowing first hand how very difficult the transition is for older kids to come to the US.  They love their culture, their extended families, their friends, their foods, the fact that everyone looks like them and talks like them.  When they come here they are not instantly happy and thankful, they are angry and distraught.  I met a young Ethiopian woman downtown a few weeks ago.  She ended up telling us that she was adopted from Ethiopia when she was twelve.  She told me how terribly hard it was for her to adjust to leaving Ethiopia.  She is thankful now for the opportunities that she has, but it has been a process of many years to get to this point.  She also said that she had friends that just couldn't adjust.  I was so grateful for her insight, but also terrified for Jubilee.  The struggle ahead of her is long and difficult.  I know that the biggest blessings in life come from hard places, and that they don't come easy.  But I can't help but wonder if this is what is best for these kids.

The young woman  I met kept telling the girls that they were so lucky to be here.  She also told them that she knew how much she hated hearing that when she was at the beginning of her journey.  There is so much for them to learn when they come here as adolescents or teenagers.  This week we have been struggling with swimming.  It is easy to learn to swim when you are a toddler.  When you are starting at twelve it just doesn't come very naturally.  Which is the case with many sports, making them just a little bit harder to do.  Learning English is of course still a sore spot.  When she found out she had to not only learn to print, but then learn cursive she almost gave up.  We keep running into little cultural differences as well.  We got Kiki neutered which sent Jubilee into tears.  I guess that is just not done in Ethiopia.  There are just so many things that are very natural to most children that are so very odd to someone from another culture.  When you add all of that to a new set of people that are your new "family" that you did not choose it can just be depressing.

When Jubilee gets tired and crabby she lets everything go.  That is when I find out what is really going on behind her quiet demeanor.  She is sure that white people are bad and that we all want to kill her.  I'm sure this is highly exaggerated, but still I know it is in her thoughts at some level.  She didn't get to choose her family, and we aren't to her liking.  I keep pointing out to her that no one gets to choose their family and they are almost never to our liking.  She is very much afraid, which just breaks my heart.  No matter how much I try, I am not a comfort to her.  I think that bothers me the most, and causes me to take things she says way too personally.  I need to keep her comments at arms length and remember that they aren't about me personally, they are about the whole situation.

Adoption is not a perfect thing.  It is making the most of a truly awful situation, no matter how or when it comes about.  It means that something has died.  If not a parent or caregiver, the hope of being able to provide for this child.  It means that this child, even if they are an infant has lost something very precious.  The family that is adopting this child is assuming the responsibility to raise this child, that they really know very little about.  It is imperfect strangers becoming family.  It is very messy business. 

Last night in the midst of an ugly scene, Mads said she wasn't sure she still wanted to adopt children.  I had to chuckle, it is a little bit early to be making these kinds of decisions. I looked at her and asked if the smiles and times that Jubilee does love us are worth it.  She shrugged and said she didn't know.  All children are a whole lot of unattractive work, and what do we get for it?  Another person that thinks they are somebody, and that I am here to serve them.  Quite a reward isn't it?  For all of those sleepless nights I get some snuggles in the morning.  For all of the hours of food preparation, on a good day I get a thank you and some help with the dishes.  On a bad day I get a lot of grumbling, and to throw it all away.  For all of the paperwork, prayer, large checks, and waiting, I get a daughter who claims to hate me.  But sometimes she smiles and says she loves me too.  Sometimes when we are walking together she will hold my hand and want to sit with me.  Is that worth all of the struggles?  I guess it is too soon to tell.  I look at my oldest daughter and know that watching her grow into a beautiful lady is better work than anything else I could do.  The reward may seem small in comparison to the price, but I know that it isn't.  Raising godly, compassionate, bright, talented, people makes the world a better place.  Can our family help Jubilee overcome all of the disappointment and neglect that she has suffered for the past twelve years?  I hope so.  I'm betting my life, and the life of my family on it.  Does it make me pause when others bet their families on the same thing?  Yes, it does.  It is a risky bet, but someone needs to take it sometimes.  These kids need homes.  They need communities of teachers, pastors, friends, and grandparents that will love them and show them what a healthy community looks like. 

In then end I think we need them even more than they need us.  We need someone to remind us that there is more to life then our convenience.  We need someone to remind us that we are all broken and need love to fill in the rough spots.  We need to be reminded to keep our problems in perspective.  We need to remember not to take ourselves so seriously.  We need to remember that we have been given much, and that much will be required of us.  Is adoption the best thing for Jubilee? I still have hope.  Is adoption the best thing for me?  I cannot tell you all of the ways she and Nes have made me much richer than I was before.  I still struggle with the idea of taking older children from their native lands.  There is much there that is hard to answer for.  I can say that those children that do make that transition are the bravest, strongest, most resilient people that I have ever met, and that I have much to learn from them.

Expectation Re-adjustment

I spent a good amount of driving time readjusting my expectations of Jubilee.  I realized that I expect her to respond to me the way my other kids do.  She was plopped down in the midst of my crazy crew four months ago.  She is a twelvish year old girl, with all of the emotions that involves.  She is still learning our language figuratively and literally.  She was stripped of all of her friends, and many of them were very dear to her.  If I were in her shoes I would be a wreck, and I'm sure I would be a wreck for quite some time.

While she was at her friend's house for the week I had time to really focus on the rest of the tribe.  I realized that in many ways she does treat me like my kids.  Omega threw some classic tantrums, threatened to run away and spent a good deal of time yelling.  My older girls gave me lots of unenthusiastic responses to suggestions on how they might spend their time.  They slept in a lot, and plugged right into their ipods before I could get them to eat breakfast.  Jubilee fits right in actually.  It reminded me of the time my dad asked us to treat my step-mom more like our mom.  My brother quipped, "You want us to bring her our laundry and ask her for money?"

Since she came home, she has been pretty easy going.  She hangs out with the kids, watches movies and watches endless Justin Beiber videos.  The weather as been absolutely dismal, so spending time outside has been very unpleasant.  We did find a karate class that she is excited about.  I know that spending a week with her closest friends is probably the best therapy that I can give her.  I need to make a point of making that happen often.  Then I need to chill out and let her be a twelve year old girl.  I need to be patient with her moods, and teach her how to roll with the punches.  Maybe I need to chill out and let her teach me how to roll with the punches, I think she handles them much better than I do.  She is a lovely girl, and if I learn to love Justin Beiber we will do just fine.

Parenting 101

We just got home from a very helpful chat with our associate pastor.  I wasn't sure where to start when we got to his office, but we meandered through some helpful territory.  I had to jot a few notes, since my brain tends to offload information quickly.  Especially information that seems unnecessary due to its commonness.  He reminded us that we have a new child.  She is not a baby, but she needs much of the same training that our babies needed.  She has learned how to live life in ways that are not quite right, and we need to retrain her.  Some things she already knows, so we need to encourage the areas that are strong, and retrain the areas that are weak.  I knew that, but somehow it got lost in the heat of our little battles.  Training in the midst of the battle is a bad idea.  We need to be proactive in training in the day to day.  We need to be talking to her about how to live in a Christian family all, the, time. We need to set aside time with her individually when she is not so angry that she cannot hear us.  We need to quit worrying about upsetting her, and just show her how to live.  When she gets upset we need to help her calm down, and then figure out where things went wrong, and how we should of handled it differently.  This is all so basic, I read it so many times that it became too familiar and I let it slide.

Our biggest weakness has been that we have let her control situations where she was angry.  I was afraid that if she ran away I would get in trouble.  We talked to our police department, and our local probation office about what would happen if she were to be picked up by them.  They assured us that if she runs away, she is in the wrong, and that she would be returned home.  They also walked us through the process and told us that they would be happy to explain it to her anytime.  This has lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders.  I think we will have an officer, that goes to our church, sit down with her and explain what the police are there for.  I think that if she understands that they are on our side, and that we are all here to protect her, she will stop threatening to run away.  I will stop worrying about her running away, because I know what will happen if she does.  It was such a relief to talk to people that see troubled kids frequently and hear that an ounce of prevention really can save a pound of cure.  They understood that we loved her, and want her to be safe, and they understood that her situation is very difficult, but that she needs to know now that the law is on our side. 

Jubilee is still at her friend's house.  We will pick her up this weekend.  I know that it may be difficult for her to transition back into our family after a week of free time with her friends.  I am very glad that she has had this week, and even if we have a few rough days, it will be worth it.  I feel like I have a few days to pray about how to love her.  We were reminded that love is efficacious.  She is a very smart young lady, and she sees that the things she would like to have will require work.  I think sometimes that seems daunting to her.  I know that she can do it.  I know that God has a plan for her, to give her a future and a hope.  I know that her friend also knows this and reminds her of it often.  I am so encouraged.  I know how to be a good mom.  I know how to love my children, and walk with them as brothers and sisters in Christ.  I just need to keep that front and center in my mind when I am teaching Jubilee.  I need to see her as Christ sees her, and that she is also Christ to me.  She has taught me so many things in the past five months about laying my life down for strangers.  I am so blessed to be her mom.

New Situations

"Because new situations are inherently stressful, and because youth who have been through trauma often come from homes in which chaos and unpredictability appear 'normal' to them, they may respond with fear to what is actually a calm and safe situation." ~ Bruce Perry, The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, p. 55.

Letting Love Cover It

"And above all things have fervent love for one another, for "love will cover a multitude of sins."  Be hospitable to one another without grumbling. - I Pete 4:8-9

I guess God chose this name for my blog for a reason,so that I could remind myself that this is what my life is about everyday.  I confess that I have been growing weary in doing good.  I am growing tired of having people sulking around my house everyday, refusing to look at me, screaming that they hate my family, shrugging at every question.  I spend hours rubbing backs, breathing deeply, asking God what I need to be doing differently, but still the anger is palpable, and it isn't just Jubilee.

Then I lock my bedroom door sit down with my Bible, and there it is: "let love cover it."  I may not see the reward for a very long time, thus God has called us to be longsuffering, just as He is longsuffering.  I may be spoken evil of, people wonder why we would adopt an older child, and they always seem so happy for everyone else, maybe it is just me.  God is stripping away my worldly lusts.  I want to look like I have it all together.  I want my kids to be "successful."  I want to have a peaceful life, and be a godly older woman.  My expectations are being molded by my Lord, and my worldly expectations are being removed.

There is hope.  The sun does come out every now and then.  I get a flash of a beautiful smile.  I am asked for forgiveness.  I get hugs that are unsolicited.  I get to see my kids succeed in their endeavors.  I meet people who have been where I am and are on the other side.  I have God's Word, and His Spirit to be my strength.  I have a faithful husband that confesses his own sin and reminds me to let go of mine.  I just have to keep in mind how long God takes to work in lives.  I need to remember Sarah, Moses, Judah, my God is not a God who rushes in with instant gratification.  He takes the long road.

I know that there are many moms out there suffering with difficult children.  Some are sick, some are rebellious, some have suffered hurts by other people, but God loves them all.  He walks with us everyday.  Thank God for the Internet.  I have met so many courageous ladies that have walked this  path ahead of me, and encouraged me to keep persevering.  I have learned from them what humility looks like, and how God rebuilds families in His image.  I am also very thankful for the ladies that live near me.  They are Jesus' hands and feet to me, when I am beginning to wonder if He cares.  Truly the Lord is good.

The New Addition

We must love this girl, because we are now the proud owners of a Schnoodle named Kiki.  My dad would classify this dog as a "worm dog".  My standards for dogs, are outside living, larger than a cat, can be left for a week at a time with no maintenance, and does not wake me up at night.  Kiki meets none of those criteria, not even close.  This is one of those occasions where God comes in and asks you to do the very thing you promised yourself you would never do.  So here we are laying our lives down for the child we love.

Jubilee has been making it clear that she would like a dog.  Both Rick and I were agreed that dogs are something you have when you have 5 acres or more.  God brought us each, independently, to the realization that He had other plans for us.  I started pointing out dogs to Jubilee to see what she was interested in.  She wanted small, white, something that would sleep with her, and it would be named Kiki or Patches.  We had a long talk with Fishing Grandpa about dogs, and he recommended Schnoodles.  We did a little research and found a puppy that we were happy with and so was Jubilee.

He is a very sweet little guy.  Our cat is livid, but calming down.  My beautiful house that we have been trashing for three years is getting another hit.  My morning quiet time now includes a trip outside with Kiki, followed by him racing around and attacking my toes, not so quietly.  Jubilee isn't as thrilled as I would have hoped.  I think the joy has been minimized by the number of people that she has to fight off to spend time with him.  Large families are not the most conducive for one on one time in any situation.  She has been good about keeping him tidy, and everyone is loving having him around.  I'm hoping they will grow to be good friends, but we will see.  For now, he is here in all his glory, and I am humble knowing God has stripped away one more piece of vanity.

A Smiley Day

I just wanted to thank everyone who responded to my post on Jubilee's depression.  Your thoughts and prayers were very encouraging.  Monday we had a day off of school.  Jubilee got up with great determination to get some exercise.  Her doctor expressed some concern about her weight, which I don't  think he meant to be quite so alarming, but it got her motivated.  She did several laps with the Wii fit after she ate breakfast.  Then a friend from down the street invited her to walk to the library with her.  It was a good long walk, and she was grateful for the invitation.  After lunch she was invited to another friends house, and they also walked quite a ways.  I think the combination of endorphins, and friends gave her the boost she needed to keep her smiling all day.

When we were getting ready for bed, and believe me she was ready, I told her that she had been smiling all day.  A few weeks ago she had put sad faces on everyday and told me that she felt sad every day.  I told her she could put a happy face on this day, because she hadn't been sad all day.  She agreed that we should document the good as well as the bad.  I put a happy face on my calendar, and when I came down the next day she had put a happy face on her calendar.  I know that there will be a lot more sad faces to come, but having a happy face is a great thing.  I have so much hope for this beautiful girl, and I think she is starting to have some of her own.  Keep those prayers coming!

Depression Sucks

People frequently ask how Jubilee is doing.  In all honesty, all things considered, she is an amazing young woman. She is not a little girl, which makes things that much more challenging, but she has been blessed with a resilient spirit.  That said, every day is a workout.

Today for example we had church.  Church is always tough.  It is a lot of talking, and it is all in English.  Trying to make sense of it is exhausting for her.  There are also a lot of people, and they all want to smile at her and try to make contact with her.  This is terrifying for her.  I let her step out for the passing of the peace, because it stresses her out way too much.  After church we had a picnic with a group of families that have adopted children from Ethiopia.  She didn't want to go, which is very typical.  She prefers to camp out on her bed and not move if at all possible.  I decided she just needed to go and maybe it would be wonderful.  It wasn't.  She avoided everyone and would not talk, AT ALL.

On the way home I was praying.  I know that I cannot give her hope, only God can do that.  I was praying for wisdom to know how much to push, and how much to let go.  I decided to call Gretchen and see if she had left town yet.  Gretchen is a wonderful young lady that Jubilee adores.  She said she was still around and would be happy to stop by on her way out.  For some reason Jubilee feels safe with Gretchen and can tell her anything.  Gretchen went down and chatted with her, and then came up and gave me the scoop.  Jubilee doesn't feel safe with us.  She was scared at the picnic, even though we were all there and were right next to her the whole time.  Her perception is that she is alone and there is no one to protect her.  She only feels safe, and even then it is only relatively so, on her bed in her room.  She does not see us a safety net.  She is terrified wherever she goes.

Depression and fear rule her life most of the time.  It makes me feels so completely helpless.  She doesn't trust me, and I don't comfort her.  There are brief periods when I do, but they are brief, and it feels like we start over every single day.  I am hoping to get some help, but finding a good therapist is not easy.  The good ones are busy, and don't return phone calls quickly.  Friday we had gone for a walk and she was having a meltdown on the sidewalk in the middle of a neighborhood a few blocks from our house.  I kept thinking the police were going to show up at any moment, and I was trying to figure out how I was going to explain this.  The upside would have been that the therapist just might have taken me seriously at that point.  We got through it, and she actually asked me to forgive her for the unkind things she said about me.  Asking forgiveness is NOT something she does easily.  It was actually very encouraging.  So there are moments of hope in the midst of long stretches of fear and sadness.

Life has been very scary for Jubilee for many years.  I am so hopeful that someday she will be a healthy, strong, beautiful young woman that will live in faith.  I keep hoping that she will begin to believe that she is as strong as I keep telling her she is.  The mountain she has to climb is very high, and very steep, but she has many guides to walk with her, and for that I am profoundly thankful.  Helping her to believe that God has a plan for her life and that it is good takes more power than I have by myself.  We have been blessed with a community of people that pray for her, talk to her, teach her, and rally around her day in and day out.  If only this stupid depression would let her see the light that surrounds her.  I know she has glimpsed it, and I know that the light in her will become stronger.

The Devil That You Know

As the old saying goes "better the devil that you know, then the angel that you don't know."   I had to take Jubilee to school a little bit early today.  She had to have lunch with her class before she started school.  When she got home she told me that she was scared at lunch.  I asked her why and she said that all of the white people are scary.  I said really?  Did anyone hit you?  No.  Did anyone call you stupid?  No.  Did that ever happen at your old school?  Yes.  So why is this school scary?  Because she doesn't know the lay of the land.

I had talked to her earlier in the day about things that made her feel small.  It started when we were talking about a friend that had said something unkind about her sister.  I told Jubilee that what she said made her sister feel small, but made her feel big.  She understood.  I asked her if she felt small at school.  She said she did.  She doesn't feel comfortable there.  She is still trying to understand the language, especially the nuances of jokes.  She doesn't know if people are laughing at her or with her.  She wants to please her teachers but she isn't sure how when learning is such a struggle.  She is still making friends, which is especially challenging when you are just plain different from everyone in every possible way.  It is obviously uncomfortable and makes her very sad.

She told me today that she didn't sit on her bed and cry in Ethiopia.  She had friends and they would talk and play.  I know it is true, but it is also true that some of the things they talked about were their preferred method of ending their lives.  My heart breaks when I think of all that this little girl has suffered in her short life.  It is all such a jumble of emotions.  Her life in Ethiopia was so terrible, but so comfortable.  It is hard for me to imagine how a child can live with such contradictory emotions.  I know that children live with it all of the time.  I am realizing how much she needs counseling.  There is only so much that I can explain and help her work through.  Her wounds are big, and I need someone to help us sort it all out.

I think it is also hard for her sisters.  It is a bummer to have a sister with a sign on her bed that reads "Please don't tell me you love me."  The pile of kleenex on the floor by her bed is a constant reminder of the tears she sheds because this is not her "home."  It is hard to make friends with someone that won't look at you and won't talk to you, and then accuses you of not liking her.  They do like her, but her depression is hard on them.  Some tend towards depression themselves.  Maybe we can get a group rate for counseling.  Life isn't easy, but as I reminded one daughter tonight, the rewards are incredible.  I have faith that one day Jubilee's smile will be far more genuine and frequent.  Someday we will be comfortable for her, maybe not someday soon, but someday.

Straight Up the Middle

The last couple of days have been very good.  Jubilee has been through some rough periods, but I stuck with her and I think she trusts me more.  She asked me today why I took her from Ethiopia.  I'm never quite sure what she wants to hear, so I give her the truth.  She is old enough, and has seen enough in her life to be able to take what I have to tell her.  I told her that I loved her.  That when she was in Ethiopia she didn't have a family to take care of her anymore.  Her friends were being adopted and were coming to America.  When she turned 18 she would be out of the orphanage, she would have very little education and no where to live.  I told her that I wanted her to have hope.  I wanted to give her a family, an education, I wanted to be able to love her and protect her.  I didn't want to take Ethiopia away from her, I wanted to add to it.

I've told her several times that she will have the opportunity when she is an adult to choose to go back to Ethiopia.  She does not have to stay here forever, she can choose to return if that is what she wants to do.  She is still wrapping her mind around that concept.  The first time we talked about it she panicked.  She thought she had to leave when she turned 18.  I explained that she is welcome to stay as long as she wants, but that when she is 18 she will legally be an adult.  I think this both scares and thrills her.

I get the impression that most people have not been completely open with her.  Maybe they thought it would be too hard, or maybe they were protecting themselves.  She told me tonight that she is happy when I answer her questions.  I told her I was happy that she was happy.  She seems to have much more peace when she knows why things were done, and what it means for her.  Even though she is not in control of the situation, at least she understands that decisions were made because we thought it was best for her.  I think she is starting to see that she has someone watching her back.

Days like this give me hope.  I see that she is starting to feel at home here.  She is still conflicted about things sometimes.  She stills sees being at home here, as giving up her home there.  Change is a tough thing, especially permanent changes.  Prayer has been a wonderful balm for her soul.  When I see things sinking I can take her hand and go to the Lord.  When we approach Him together it brings peace immediately.  He truly is a God who brings new life out of death.

The Good Stuff

I feel like have been dwelling on the negative lately, and I need to turn the tide. Jubilee has been home 9 weeks, and really I would say we have had three major meltdowns. That is truly amazing. She has been able to catch herself getting a case of the grumps and turn it around. She loves to be with her big sisters, and they have been busy lately which makes things difficult. She has gone to their events and appointments and been very patient waiting on them. I think she is probably their biggest fan.

She has started to be much more playful with the younger kids. She will jump on the trampoline with them, and help them build cities with blocks. She is getting better about letting them "do school" with her, and not getting annoyed when they know the answer before she does. She is learning how families function in ways that orphanages don't. The best thing is that she is starting to ask about next year. What will she be doing for school next year? That means she is planning to stick around, and that she believes she will live until then. We take for granted that we will be around 70+ years, she definitely does not.

She has also broadened the horizons of my family. They are able to think a little more globally. They recognize when they meet people from other countries, that their culture and language is different. They don't get thrown by that, or assume that they are weird because they aren't like us. They are genuinely interested in learning about how they do things differently than we do. They take the time to explain things without being condescending. They go to school with children who are here for a few years while their parents are in grad school, which has allowed them to explore other cultures without having to leave their community. We would love to travel more, but the logistical challenges are too great right now. Hopefully we will be able to do more in the future. Jubilee is determined to take Mads to Ethiopia with her the next time we go. We know that we will be going back, someday...

There are times that my love for Jubilee is overwhelming. She will be trying really hard to do something that we all do, that is completely foreign to her, like pull-ups. Today we were reading together, and I just started tearing up thinking about all the time I have missed with her. She tells stories about her past often, and we talk about things she was told, or saw, that she didn't understand. I really love that kind of thing. It can be emotionally draining, but it is all very good to work through. We have had some really good conversations about her family, her friends, her school, her church, and AHOPE. She has a beautiful spirit, and is going to be a powerful young lady. I can't wait to see what God has in store for her life, and I know that she is starting to feel the same way.

Adopting older kids has all kinds of challenges. They are more complex people than the younger children. There is a lot of hard work involved in overcoming the abuse and neglect that they have experienced, but the rewards are priceless. I have another beautiful, talented, smart daughter. She will teach me more about myself than I ever would have learned had God not brought her into our home. I am not the mom I thought I would be, God has taught me that I can be far more compassionate and empathetic than I would have dreamed. It is not easy, but I know that we will all be better people for it.

Keeping Hope

"When parents lose hope, children and teens respond with bitter anger. After all, if your own parents have lost hope, then you are in a sorry state!" ~ Deborah D. Gray, Nurturing Adoptions, p. 153

One of the things that Jubilee struggles with, without knowing that she is struggling, is a lack of hope. It doesn't look like I expected it to look. She isn't mopey or sad all of the time, but she doesn't know how to think through things. She does fine until the routine ends and she has to figure out what to do next. When she gets there, she stumbles.

I have been overwhelmed with keeping schedules together. Between three sports seasons, seven class schedules and two pre-schoolers I have a hard time remembering what it is I am supposed to do. If I walk from one room in my house to the next the needs comes crashing down around me and cause me to feel hopeless. There just isn't enough time in the day to get it all done.

I know that this is how Jubilee feels as well. Everywhere she looks there is something new to learn. New friends, new routines, new languages, new sports, new activities, new appliances, everything is new. I am sure that she is thinking there is not enough time in this life to make yet another adjustment to a new living situation.

My friend Lisa, has had similar conversations with her daughter, and she loaned me Deborah Gray's book. If only I had time to read it! This is the paradox of self-help books: if you read them before you are in the situation it doesn't stick well, but once you are in the situation and need the knowledge you don't have time to cram it all in. Thank God that He gives us a lifetime to sort all of this stuff out. I would love to have it all smoothed over in half an hour, but that is not how God works in real people. Instilling hope takes time. It takes establishing a track record. You have to ride out the good times and the bad, so that your kids know that your love is the real deal. It takes not losing hope yourself. That was a tough line.

My children sense my frustration. They see when I am having a bad day, and they take it personally. Staying on top of my game everyday is impossible. I had to remind myself this morning that all things are possible through Christ who strengthens me. I tend to forget to take the time to pray, to reflect, and to seek God in the midst of the struggle. Jubilee is a committed Christian, which allows me to grab her by her baptism if I need to. She knows the truth, and it does set her free. I just have to remind her, and myself, to seek it.

Headwinds

I had resolved to walk the dune trail at least once a day while we were at the beach. This morning we woke up to a stiff wind and light but steady rain. Mads suggested we go to the exercise room instead and do the treadmill. We discussed this for a bit, and then I put my foot down and told her to quit being a weeny and put on her coat. I, for one, would rather face the rain than the headgames involved in keeping myself on a treadmill for more than 30 minutes.

While we were cruising along soaking our backsides I was reminded of the time that I had not done so well on a test in college. It was a 400 level FSHN class on something to do with nutrition and disease. It was an interesting class, but the one lesson I learned that stuck with me for 15 years was after the first exam. Our prof spent the first 10 minutes of EVERY class lecturing us on study skills. I spent the whole 10 minutes wondering why he was telling us this when we were all seniors or grad students, did he give this lecture to his 100 level students? He had given us a six page study sheet for our first exam. I had taken notes and they did not reflect the same emphasis in the study sheet. I pondered which to study more. I took the wrong road at this point and went with the study sheet. I didn't fail the test, but I could have done better.

When we got the test back I was furious. I ranted for a few minutes to my friend Michelle, and then went storming off to have a chat with the prof. (Yes, I know where my kids get their bad attitudes.) By God's providence the prof had a third floor office in the building next door. By the time I had stomped to the next building and stomped up three flights of stairs I had a much different perspective. I realized that I hadn't been listening to the prof's advice on studying. I also realized I was a senior and I was being petty. I decided I should probably spend the next 30 minutes before class walking up and down these stairs and thinking about how diet affects metabolism of diabetics.

When I got back to class, Michelle asked what the prof said. I admitted that I didn't go give him a piece of my mind, I just ran the stairs instead. She laughed, she was also my workout partner. I studied my notes from then on. I'm not sure if I got an A in the class, but I know I did OK. I did learn to listen to the prof and to trust my notes.

When I get regular exercise it gives me much better perspective. It also gives me time to reflect on God, and what He does in the world. The headwind he gave me this morning made me think about Jubilee. She is walking in a headwind right now. Every step is a struggle, and it is easier if you keep your head down and just take one step at a time. There is a home up ahead, but I'm not sure she knows it yet. She doesn't have the hope of a cup of something warm and pleasant and a soft warm place to be. She just sees the trudging work that keeps coming at her. I hope that as she experiences some times of shelter, some times of rest, that it will give her the energy to press on. Ultimately God has to instill hope in her, which I know that He has. He doesn't leave us in the wind, he gives us rest.

When we finally made it home, wet, and chilly. It felt so good to get into dry clothes and sit on a soft couch. These periods of testing make us appreciate the times of calm. Instead of being bored with our exercise, or with our lot in life, we can be thankful for quiet times. Those headwinds remind us why we seek shelter and what a blessing it is.

Real Love

Developing a meaningful relationship with a daughter that you have just met, is harder than I thought it would be. Nes was so easy to love. We had a few tense moments, but he was so cuddly you just couldn't stay mad for long. Jubilee however is more challenging.

I am trying to figure out what my hang-ups are. I am not given to drama. Girls that like to create drama drive me crazy. Jubilee is pretty low drama, praise God! She does like to create a scene when she knows she has done something wrong. It's a diversion tactic, and I find it very annoying. I also do not like to be ignored. Actually it is kind of funny, I tend to do most of the things she does that I find so irritating. Huh, maybe this is God's grace to me. Learning to love someone like me, that didn't become like me by genetics.

I find myself getting sort of prickly, and thinking maybe this just isn't going to be one of those close family relationships. Then I remind myself, I'm the adult here. I need to lay my life, my comforts, my expectations down and seek who this girl really is. Then I need to love her just the way she is. I need to quit worrying about whether or not she likes me, and worry about whether or not I'm loving her the way she needs. I need to adjust my expectations. She doesn't understand our house rules. She doesn't know all of my pet peeves. She is still learning what things mean, and what an American family looks like. I have to admit that when I try to see our family from her perspective, we are pretty strange. The changes she is going through are pretty intense. She is also at a tough age. My Bronster doesn't always handle the little changes in her life well.

It is something I need to pray about and think consciously about every day. I need to remind myself to be kind, to let love cover a multitude of sins, to love her unconditionally. She may never love me the same way in return, and that is not the point. I am her mom. I need to do that job, and trust God to work in her life. Loving a child in a picture is a whole lot easier to do than to love a child sitting at your table sometimes. When she comes to me and hugs me and tells me that she loves, it doesn't get any better than that.

Why Do You Whisper?

I had Jubilee spend some time with a friend this morning to see where her reading level is. As I suspected she is around a first grade level. She would not speak in an audible voice when Beth would ask her to read for her. She was very subdued, and was very emotional when she got home. Part of the emotion was due to an altercation with her sister that I had to sort out when we got home, but part was due to her anxiety about teachers. She is not sure what we are expecting of her. She wants to do well, but she knows that she doesn't know what other children her age know. She doesn't understand that we are just trying to figure out where she is so that we can help her to do better.

I asked her why she always whispers when teachers ask her questions. She told me that when she was in kindergarten she liked to talk, but the teachers told her to stop. She said that they threw her into a room when she talked too much. She has told me several times that she would be kicked at school when she did not answer correctly. I have to take all of these stories with a grain of salt. I am sure there is an element of truth to them, as well as an element of exaggeration. Whatever the truth is, she spent a lot of time at school being afraid, and trying to get out of being there at all. She would say she was sick and leave the classroom. She would sleep during class if she could. She also told me that other children would do her work for her. I don't think she took her academic career seriously.

So here she is. An eleven year old girl starting school in another country not really understanding why she needs to know all of this. She is growing in her desire to learn, but she is definitely frustrated by the amount of ground she has to make up. There are days that I am frustrated as well. I know that she will learn quickly, but will it be quickly enough to keep her from feeling stupid? She does not like the fact that her four year old siblings know their letters better than she does. It gives me a lot of empathy for people who immigrate to the US. English is not an easy language to learn, and we don't accommodate other languages very well.

I did spend a year or two trying to homeschool once upon a time. The things I learned about phonics, and handwriting, and teaching first grade math are coming in handy. God does things in mysterious ways. It is interesting for me to be able to teach her how to read, and to write, and to recognize things in English. It is all good stuff, and I am grateful for the opportunity to do something new. I just wish it were easier for her. I am very very grateful for the wealth of knowledge that we have in Moscow. There are many ladies that have homeschooled for years and faced all kinds of challenges. They have been a wonderful resource and encouragement. I think Jubilee is impressed by how much time we give to education. She sees that it is not something she will be able to avoid. It is just one more cultural hurdle to jump.

Happily Ever After

Several people have commented on my post about seeing adoption from Jubilee's perspective. I didn't want to give anyone the impression that things are going badly, or that this is not what I was expecting. Things are actually going surprisingly well. I had read enough books, blogs, email discussions to know that adopting older children can ramp up the drama level in any life. I was prepared for things to be much bumpier than they have been.

Jubilee loves to spend time with her older sisters, and is being very patient with her younger ones. Much more patient than they are with each other. She does not appreciate it when they join us for reading time and answer the questions for her. But she plays with them, and helps them when they need it. Their interaction is quite interesting actually. She was asking me about when she can visit Ethiopia next. Nes said he didn't want to visit Ethiopia. She got quite upset and told him that he should because his mother misses him. He looked sort of puzzled since I am the person that he thinks of as his mother. Jubilee met his mom, and understood what she was telling me about wanting to see Nes before she dies. Jubilee feels much more strongly about this than Nes does at this point in life.

I do realize that her perspective will change as she get older, and lives here longer. For now she can only think about life one day at a time. I have asked her about her dreams. What she would like to do when she grows up. She doesn't seem to have a concept of being grown up. Her only vision for the future right now is to go back to Ethiopia. She wants very much to see her friends, and to find families for them. She told me that she wants to take their pictures and find families that will bring them to America. She is also saving her allowance to send back to AHOPE. She is very loyal to her "family" in Ethiopia. I hope that someday she will be that loyal to us, and that we will be as loyal to her family there as well.

Her English is getting better every day. She is asking me what things mean. She is very concrete in her thinking, so the abstract thoughts are hard to translate. She is getting there though. I am also trying to impress upon her the desire to learn, and to value education. I don't think she cared much about learning in Ethiopia. I don't think she thought it would make a difference in her life. I am not sure yet that she sees that she has a long life ahead of her. Death is a very real concept to her. She has known so many people, many of them children that have died. She knows that the virus she has has killed many people around her. I don't think she takes a long life for granted.

Our days are mostly sunny with times of overcast. She grieves the loss of her friends, and things that are familiar. She gets tired quickly trying to cram so many new things into her brain. I try to give her frequent breaks to recharge. We have spring break coming up which will be a good time to get away as a family and spend time together. I'm sure we will have tense moments, but I am hoping that it will be a good time for her to get to know us better. She will also get to visit with two very special friends from AHOPE. I know that they will be a great encouragement to her.

Thank you to all of you who commented on the post. I appreciate the encouragement and the prayers. We are doing very well, and I know that things will get better as we get to know each other better. Jubilee is an amazing girl, and I know that God has great things in store for her. I am so very thankful for all that she is teaching me, and the richness she is bringing to us all.