Can I stand in that day? When my darkest fears become my reality, will I trust God? Will I stand in my misery and pain and say, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord?" I hope that I will. God has stood with me in my misery in the past, and I have every reason to believe that He will be right next to me in the future.
I need to remind myself that in the thunderstorms of my life I clung to the word. I prayed without ceasing because I found it hard to breathe without it. I clung to good friends who were willing to sit with me and be quiet. I sat on the beach and remembered how very small I am and how very big God is. I was thankful for thousands of little things that I had not thought to be thankful for before. When I was angry, I walked and I prayed. When I felt alone, I prayed some more and hugged my kids. I discovered who my core group of friends were and promised to keep them close. I remembered how much God had forgiven me for, and forgave others with more grace than I thought was possible. I didn't try to figure much out, I just trusted that God knew what He was doing and wouldn't let me go.
I am not in the thunderstorms currently, praise God. But I expect that they will roll through my life again. My children are growing up. There are temptations all around us. I'm not a perfect parent and my shortcomings will probably blow up in my face. I take more risks than I should, and I let my emotions get the best of me sometimes. God is not a safe God. I know God well enough to know that sometimes our wicked neighbors will have us murdered to take our land, sometimes we are unjustly accused and thrown into prison, sometimes we are rejected by the people we came to save, sometimes God just wants to show us that we will stand fast in the day of testing. God knows there are weeds in our fields and He lets us all grow up together. Sometimes that fills me with terror, but then I remember that this is not all that there is.
"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2
I used to repeat this verse over and over to myself during labor. I could endure the pain of labor for the joy of holding that precious baby. I know that there have been many a mother who has labored only to see her baby fade away before her eyes. God is good. There will be joy for all those who trust that God is God, and that He is good. So good that He gave us Jesus to endure all the pain that we will face in our short lives here. I believe that with my whole heart. This is a crazy world where I can believe that completely and still watch innocent people suffer. I don't know why this world spins the way it does, I just know that it does, and it does it for the glory of God. There are days when all I can do is be still and know that He is. And yes, that is enough reason for me to trust and to follow Him. I know that the end of all this labor is glory in Him.
I am thankful for: lots and lots of children, food, God's word, music, laughter, the smell of smoke, the tanginess of garlic, the bitterness of coffee, red, hands to hold, sassy women, bad hair days, questions without answers, tears, the smell of cedar, the insane schedule of May, the community of believers all around the world.
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