Nesradine had a hard day on the playground on Monday. I picked him up after school and he had a bruised forehead, a bump on his nose, and two band aids on his knee. He told me he had had lots of blood at school that day. I asked him if the secretary had worn gloves when she helped him, and he said yes, he had told her he had HIV. I know that many, many people are not okay with sharing their HIV status, and as my kids get older I do understand why. I have had several people tell me that part of the reason that they are not freaked out by HIV is because we are not freaked out by it. I guess that is one big blessing of living in a small community. I know it has been unsettling for many people, but they have been very gracious and asked a lot of questions and come to see our kids as kids. I think it has taught us all that we need to be careful in any situation involving health care precautions. You can't assume that these kinds of things aren't in our small town, they are here among us, whether we realize it or not. My kids have been great ambassadors for people living with HIV. They are very open about it, and willing to educate people when they have questions. Nesradine has no idea that his status is cause for alarm for many people. He knows he is not sick, but that he has a virus, and that he can't let anyone touch his blood. We will fill him in on the rest of the risks when it is appropriate. So far I have no regrets about being open with their status. We have had to answer a lot of questions, but they have been great conversations and I hope to have many more of them.
The harder adoption issues are the ones that are more subtle. One that I struggle with is being a humble mom. When my daughter struggles with depression, I feel like I am failing her. I want to fix it. I want to be the one she trusts and wants to talk to. I have had to be willing to let her talk with other people who are better equipped to listen and to guide her. That can be a bitter pill to swallow. It can be especially tough when I know there are times when I am part of the problem. A friend pointed out that the margin of error when you are parenting kids from hard places is very narrow. If I am having a bad day and choose to vent on my child that really can't take it, I am the one adding to the trauma. I have to be on my A game every.single.day. This is good for me, and keeps me at Jesus' feet much more often than I would be if I thought I had it all together. Parenting kids with difficult backgrounds (which all adopted children have) takes abundant grace and humility. Love is powerful, but a mother's love is not all that these kids need, and we all need the blood of Jesus.
The racial differences are also bigger issues than I would have imagined. I had read books by people who had been raised in families of a different race. I knew what the potential pitfalls were. It is so easy to think that because I don't think I treat other people differently that it won't matter. If only life were that easy. I am confronted daily with attitudes I didn't recognize as racially favoring everyone that looks and thinks like me. Folks, we are all blind when it comes to seeing your own racial bias, if you think you don't think your race is best, you are wrong. I was talking with Madie last night about whether or not it is okay to have pictures of God, or of Jesus. We were looking at the second commandment and trying to sort out what it means. I pointed out that most people draw Jesus to look like he is of their ethnic group. It is sort of laughable when you see the blond, blue eyed Jesus pictures, how Jewish looking is that? And yes, it does matter how you picture him in your mind. That may stumble people of a different ethnic group. It is very subtle, but very powerful. I'm trying very hard to stop and think before I give an opinion on how someone looks. We Schumakers tend to be very loud with our opinions, and I don't want Martha and Nes to feel like they are inferior to the rest of us in any way. It is one more thing that I can't let slip from the forefront of my mind. Words are powerful, and my kids are sensitive, I can't just let things fly out of my mouth without thinking about it.
I was talking with someone about this sort of thing and it reminded me of a very helpful blog post that I had read before we brought our kids home. It was an African American woman writing to all of us white adoptive moms giving us tangible suggestions for exploring out attitudes about African American culture. She suggested that you spend time with African American friends in their homes, and their neighborhoods. Watch African American movies, yes, they have their own movies that are not always on our netflix ques. Subscribe to African American magazines. Read African American books. Listen to African American music. This applies to Chinese, Korean, Russian, or whatever culture you may be adopting from. The point is to immerse yourself in a culture that isn't the one you live in, but that may be one your children will feel more comfortable in. Your family culture will have to change to accommodate your new child and their background. We did spend some time doing this, and it was very enlightening. It has been very good for my kids to think outside of their comfortable world. I have had to talk to my girls about criticizing some of the t.v. shows that Martha chooses. They look at it from a very different perspective than she does. It has been good for them to talk to her and find out what she likes about them, and to see that she doesn't see the world the same way they do. She has a unique perspective on our culture that we are too close to see. I am grateful for the new perspective, but it is a challenge and it is important to us all. There are things that we European folks take lightly that are a big deal to other cultures, hair is a big deal to African women, don't poo poo it, embrace it. Language is important to any culture. Food preferences are important, think comfort food. Attitudes about exercise, and cleanliness, and what is respectful are different in different cultures, don't assume yours is perfect.
Even the way we interpret the Bible is cultural, which as Americans we REALLY need to stop and think about. Americans didn't write the Bible, it is set in a different culture. There are so many times I have heard people dismiss Biblical principles because their culture was different. God set the word in that culture in that time for a purpose. It would do us well to get to know the culture Jesus came from, it matters, those were God's people for a reason. It is highly arrogant for us to assume our culture is superior and that we can reinterpret the Bible based on our cultural bias. The problem is that our culture is such a deep part of who we are we don't see that we are reinterpreting the Bible. I have had to think long and hard about some ideas I have held to and whether or not they make sense in Ethiopia, or Indonesia, or Canada. What is the gospel really? What have I inadvertently added or subtracted from it? This all matters when you have children that are looking at life through a different lens.
In our family these things are obvious. You don't have to guess which kids are adopted and which kids aren't. It is easy to think that all of these things don't matter if you get a healthy pink baby to adopt. Don't kid yourself. God has a story for each and every one of us. That baby in your arms has a story, and you are not the author. You are a character in their story, and you want to be the humble one. God is the great author. He uses plot devices in artistic ways beyond our wildest imaginations. Love him the most. Love your child, and remember that he or she is God's child as well. For the glory set before you, you are doing the hard work of being a parent. Sometimes our biggest failures are God's biggest victories. He gave his only son to die for us. The world taunted him, but he won the victory at the cross. Our victories will often look like crosses to those who don't believe. Don't shrink back from the hard roads that God might take you on, there will be some awesome views. Don't grow weary when it looks hopeless, God loves cliffhangers. Remember he is with you always, and he loves your children even more than you do. Trust him always.
Today I am thankful for...
Springlike days in the dead of winter
Saying goodbye to faithful saints
Watching my girls draw
Sisters doing each other's hair
Letters from Grandpa encouraging grandchildren to think about their future
Tenacious flowers popping up way too early
Friends who pour out their lives for others, often unnoticed
Watching engaged couples plan their weddings (none of them in my house)
2 comments:
This is a great post, Signe. So thoughtful and full of things I haven't thought through (or just perhaps, I haven't let it sink in).
I'm listening to the Peace Child and the effect of spreading the gospel in a cannibalistic, head hunting society is amazing! No concept of mine for yours.
The story is opening up a new concept for me - people don't think the same, even if they can understand the language.
Wow, you just described my week. With three budding teenagers, I, too, am realizing the "A" game is where it has to be - All-The-Time. And I am most definitely part of the problem at times. Thank you for helping to feel like I am not the only one.
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