I'll be honest, most days we don't mention HIV around our house. It is here, and we take medication everyday, but we have so many other things to talk about it just doesn't always fit in the flow of things. I have had a couple of opportunities to talk about it lately. The big questions seem to be, 1. When will there be a cure? and 2. How and when do you disclose your status? Those are both big questions, and neither has a straightforward answer.
There has been a lot of encouraging news about HIV lately. A baby in Mississippi was cured by early treatment. Our doctor explained that it is an encouraging development, but there has yet to be a functional cure for someone who has an established disease. She was very hopeful based on the amount of progress that has been made in the last 20 years. We have every reason to be hopeful that a cure will be found in the next 20 years. Even the ability to control it with one pill, once a day is miraculous. There is much to be thankful for, and still we hope for more.
How and when to disclose that you are positive can be much more discouraging. My mom instincts are to educate as many people as possible. Education does help, but often it isn't enough. Fear of things that are unknown is a powerful. People can have all the knowledge in the world, but if they think they are in danger, or someone they love is in danger they will act on that. One of my children was trying to put themselves in the shoes of people who don't understand HIV. How would she react if a friend told her that they were positive? It is such a "normal" part of her life she has trouble understanding the other side. That is cause for much joy on my part. Tearing down stigma happens when you realize that the people around you, that you love, were once "them" instead of "us." Getting to the point of being seen as a person, not an illness takes some personal contact. The scary part is knowing how much contact is enough to get over the fear. Once you tell one person you have lost control of who they tell, and then the personal contact is enough removed that fear creeps in.
This is especially tricky when you have teens that are positive. Being a teen is challenging enough all by itself. When you throw in a little adoption trauma, bi-cultural issues, and HIV you are just begging for drama. I want my teens to have some control over their lives. They all have so much to deal with, I want to carry some of that burden for them. Unfortunately they don't always want mom to help. I do realize that they have friends that are vital to them. I have to trust God enough to let Him watch over some of their friendships that make them feel safe, even when I see the dangers. I have been so blessed to have kids that will talk to me. They ask hard questions, and I don't always have all the answers. We have been blessed with good friends that are willing to listen and give wise counsel. One thing I am seeing is that teens need families that are supportive. They need mom and dad to listen and not freak out. They need to be able to talk about things that might be uncomfortable. They need to say what they think and be willing to be taught. It isn't easy, and it can be very humbling. I'm not all that my kids need, but they do need me. It takes a lot of time to listen to connect with them enough so that they trust me. I need to be where they are and study them. Most of all, I need to pray with and for them.
Putting yourself in someone else's shoes is very difficult. The hardest part is being patient while they work through things. It may not be all that difficult to see why they are upset, the difficulty is knowing the solution and not being able to communicate it when you want to. I need to remember that I was once a teen. I was once freaked out about being around people with HIV. I was once blissfully ignorant about the level of racial tension that still exists in the world. I am sure I am ignorant of all kinds of things that have not been revealed to me yet. I am thankful for all the people that took the time to patiently explain things to me. I am very vocal about my opinions, and I am very often wrong. It is humbling to realize that I was just spouting off about some subject only to be schooled in it days later and realize I was all wrong. This happens more often than I would like to admit, but I can think of at least two time in the last week. God is good, and abundant in grace. I pray that I would learn to be more like Him in this area. As I pray this I know that it means I will be given opportunities to practice, which means bumpy roads for my children and I ahead. It's all good, it's actually what makes life worth living. Growing up is painful, but maturity is so worth it (so I hear).
I'm thankful for...
Spring break
A lack of scheduled things to do
Children outside catching lady bugs
The frog symphony that serenades me from our pond every night
The hills around my house turning green
Lost teeth
Blue eyes
Love that covers a multitude of sins
Life in a small town with a large family. Trying to put God on display.
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