Still fearful

Obviously if you read my blog very often you see that I struggle with fear.  A dear friend, my pastor, and the Bible have all been so kind as to point out that I am lacking faith.  Actually I think that I am not fearing God, I'm fearing man.  I am afraid that my friends will stop getting together with me.  I'm afraid my husband will have to answer awkward questions about his wife's oddness.  I'm afraid my children will not have opportunities that would benefit them.  I am afraid that I am keeping my family from being the best they can be.  Those are the stones clanging in my tin can head.

What I should be fearing is that I am not pointing everyone to God.  I am trying to put glory where it doesn't belong.  Instead of worrying that people might think badly of me, I need to worry that God is thinking badly of me, or that people are thinking well of me when they should be thinking well of God.  I'm not trusting him to provide all that I need and abundantly more.  I just want to look normal, but Christ was anything but normal.

One of the endearing things about my oldest son is that he is not afraid to speak out loudly, even when he is wrong.  If he answers a question wrong, he listens to correction and moves in the other direction.  I find myself sitting behind him shaking my head, wishing he would just wait and see what other people say.  But I think he is doing the right thing.  He isn't afraid of being wrong and changing direction if he needs to.  He isn't afraid to ask questions and get clarification.  It actually makes him a strong leader.  He makes those around him comfortable knowing that he will step up and he will listen.  I wish I was more like him in that way.  I know it is a gift that God has given him, and he continues to grow in it.

One of the places where I feel the least fear is at camp.  Twice a year I have a weekend in a truly judgement free zone.  It is hard to describe how truly amazing this is.  I keep trying to figure out why it works, probably so that I can bottle it up and sip from it the rest of the year.  My little sinful clutching I suppose.  I should just bask in the glory of it, and be extremely thankful for the moments of sheer joy.  I think it is the sweet fellowship of the unashamedly broken.  None of us is trying to be holier than thou.  We have all smacked hard on the bottom and are just glad to have some smiles around circle of fellow failures.  We all have hurts, and joys, and we are able to just lay them out together.  One man said that he was thankful for his biggest challenge in life because it brought him there and gave him that family.  I tear up every time I think about him.  If only I could remember that every time I am sitting with every other group God has put me in.  Maybe the fear of fitting in keeps us from just admitting that we are a total mess and that is why we need each other.

Today I am thankful for time to think, vacuums, trees that bloom, friends that are not perfect, times of ranting, times of peaceful meditation, writers that make me laugh, kids that cry in church (unless they are mine), gray haired ladies, late nights with teenage girls, cold winds, warm hugs and tears.