Look for Joy

It's been a long week for this introvert.  I have had a lot of words to process, which is good and exhausting all at the same time.  One of the most helpful conversations that I had gave me the freedom to close the chapter on some events in my life that have taken up way too much brain space.  I always want to resolve things in my head before I put them on the shelf for good, but apparently that doesn't always happen.  Probably that doesn't often happen.  I was given the freedom to leave some things unresolved and finished.  Whew.

Now I can go back to looking ahead.  My temptation is to look too far ahead and start limiting options that I need to keep open.  My other temptation is to hound my husband about "what are we going to do, what are we going to do...?"  While I am looking forward I need to look up and trust that whatever is coming I will be equipped to handle.

I need to give myself this little pep talk, so that I can refer to it often over the next little bit:

God wants me to enjoy this crazy life he has given me.  He didn't put me here to figure out how to suffer for Him, He put me here to figure out how to enjoy Him.  There will be suffering, but I need to stop trying to find it before it hits me.  Pay attention self: He wants you to have joy!  He wants me to enjoy my children, so if I can't do that in whatever education method I am doing, then I need to look at that.  If I don't enjoy something in my life, then I should ask myself why I am doing it and be really honest with myself about the answer.  If there are things I do enjoy and I don't have time for them, what is getting in the way?  Stop being a martyr and and be honest, no one wants my cranky help.  Don't try to be someone you aren't, be who God made you to be.  If I am trying to live up to someone else's values regarding parenting, or education, or marriage, or home-economics, or anything else I need to figure that out and take it to God.  I need to be ok with looking different than the people around me.  God makes us each unique.  He makes us live closely with other people who are very different than we are.  If I doubt that, I need to go ask Rick what he wants to do this afternoon and then try to get excited about it.  Life is an adventure, it's short, God loves me and saved me from living on drugs, serve Him with what He has already given me.  I need to love what I have and share what I can.

Remember the list of stupid things I have tried to do for God: be a foreign missionary, have a large family, grow your own food, home school, courtship, grow your hair out, craft, going to baby showers every week, reading books about ancient Greeks, not listening to 80's pop music, making lists, have students board with us, watch all rated G movies... Did any of things make me holy or happy?  Possibly some of them did for a time, the 80's had some really bad music, but ultimately they are parts of me that need to be redeemed.  God has always walked with me starting from where I am.  I don't need to set the bar high for me and my family.  God frankly set it pretty low, I got in to His kingdom from a pretty dark place.  Some people never have to sink as low as I did, but I did and being real for me is not forgetting that.  My kids have higher standards than I did, and I need to remember that they can do so much more than I can, and that is good.  Don't get in their way.  Help the ones that need help getting to the bar, and raise it for the ones who need the challenge.  Help them find the things that bring them joy and encourage them.  Some of them like the ancient Greeks, don't make fun of them. They will bring things into my life that I will love, like track, who knew?  They will bring things into my life which I don't love, but I need to keep my trap shut (like bag pipes, ew).  God knows what He is doing, and He wants us to love this life in all of it's eccentricities.  Laughter is good medicine, use it liberally, so is wine... for some people, but be careful our family has its issues.

Love God, find joy, that is the goal.  If I'm not finding it where I am, pray.  Look in new places, maybe God needs me to get out of a rut.  Start with the things that have brought me joy in the past: exercise, reading, avoiding crafts and baby showers, cooking, growing flowers, skiing, getting out in the sun, friends that make me laugh even when doing miserable things like boring meetings and going to the gym and cleaning and cutting up meat.  Ask my kids what they want to do, and then do it.  I may put my foot down about football, but maybe not, I'll put that on the maybe list.  Too much work for the sake of work makes me cranky.  Find the work that I enjoy.  I do enjoy cooking.  Don't be discouraged in small beginnings.  Start small and finish strong.  In all things give thanks.