You can't earn it

One of the themes that keeps slamming me in the head this Lenten season is the theme of God's love for us that we don't deserve, can't earn, and ultimately can't even chase away.  In my own life I realized that I belonged to God, not to myself, sitting in a public defender's office.  He was identifying me as a foolish college student that needed to stay out of trouble for the next two years.  At that moment I knew that was a lie.  If I could have stayed out of trouble on my own, I wouldn't have been sitting there.  My weekend fun was landing me in the back of police cars with alarming frequency.  At that moment I knew Jesus was my only savior.  He has been faithful to me for every moment since.  I have had some heartbreakingly low spots, but He has been there through it all.

This Sunday the pastor asked us all, "What do you think God thinks of you?"  I know that God thinks of me in Christ.  I know that I do not, and never could deserve the gift of adoption in Jesus.  This fact has come back to me with increasing force every day.  For many years I was sure that I wasn't good enough, and there were times my actions proved me right.  But when I prayed, God answered.  He gave me wisdom I knew was not mine.  Time and again His still small voice brought me back to the narrow road.  I know it isn't anything in me, it is all grace.

We had some discussion about how God looks at our works.  Do our good works please God?  I have a hard time thinking that is true.  I am by nature a works oriented person.  My love language is service, I like to pitch in when something needs to be done.  When I finish a project, I give it a satisfied look and then race off to tackle the next.  As I look back at my life I can see that I have tried very hard to work for God.  I have nine children.  I adopted children.  I am committed to Christian education.  I volunteer for things at church.  I fully admit that at times I have taken pride in that.  This makes me laugh out loud now.  I know how badly I have done these things.  It is easy to look back and think I would have been so much better at this if....

The thing that gives me clarity is when I think of God looking at me the way I look at my kids.  Do their good works make me love them more?  No.  Yes, I am pleased when they make their beds in the morning, but do I love them more than the kids that never make their beds?  No.  I love them because they are mine, and they are God's.  When they are little stinkers I still love them.  I discipline them, and try to steer them back to pleasant land, but I still love them the same.  Having my adopted kids takes the lesson a little bit deeper.  These kids look nothing like me.  They don't respond the same way my belly babies do.  Sometimes I think they despise me.  They didn't choose me, and I know I am not the momma of their dreams, but I love them.  I sacrifice myself for them just as much as all of the others.  When their siblings forget to include them in their intimate family moments it grieves me.  I'm not grieved at the children, I'm grieved for the children.  I want them to feel included and secure just like their brothers and sisters.  When they feel distant, I want to pursue them.  They don't always appreciate it, but I don't want to let them drift away because they are being difficult.

When I think about God like that, it brings a much deeper peace.  I am more secure in my identity.  I am able to give more to my kids, to show them how much I love them.  It frees me from having to earn love from anyone.  God is love.  I am His.  He chose me, because He loved me.  He has brought my children to me from near and far.  Every day I learn more about Him through them.  All of our work becomes an act of love.  I give to them because I have been given to.  That is when I understand how I can become a fountain of living water.  It makes the piles of laundry one more way to give my kids peace.  I don't score any points with God by having more children, or sending them to the right school, or listening to holy music, or going to a church with the right liturgy or any of the other great things that I get to do, because God is good.  I get to do those things because I love them.  They are good gifts for me to enjoy because my Father in Heaven gave them to me.  The gifts become more pleasant when they can be enjoyed as gifts, not as rewards.  I can thank the giver and know that they were given in love, and love in return.

Today I am thankful for....

Pastors preaching the Word in wisdom

Prayer

Medicine that helps our bodies work better

Music, with a great beat that makes cleaning the kitchen fun

Mud that produces wheat that produces donuts

Plush tights that are warm and cozy, like wrapping your legs in a blanket all day long

Robins singing so loudly that I couldn't hear myself think

The trees that kept berries on their boughs all winter so the robins could feast in the spring